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Old 01-15-2019, 10:52 AM   #61
DP_2017
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Originally Posted by Waterloo12345 View Post
I agree that talking about something is v v v unlikely to effect change itself. For me, we talk, then I perhaps understand more or get a different perspective, then I force my self to act in a different way to reflect this new perspective. Or we talk about theory and I began to recognise emotional states and try and respond mindfully instead of just being swept along. So for me there is always action out of the talk. I agree with someone else that said you didn't really do therapy with your t so perhaps your antipathy to it is not reasonable? I mean has a rational basis - not an insult.

My initial reaction is that it would be difficult to do therapy just for one issue as issues are probably interrelated. But then you did that for grief and it worked (for the grief) so maybe it's a good way for you. We are all different.

I do hope you continue to find a way out - Am with Anne on the you are defo moving forward well and not in a closed off fashion. Much better than I would so I'm like wowww.
We did SOME therapy, most of the sessions were not but we did sometimes, esp with the grief and phobias. I don't like opening up about things, the avoidant thing so that's why therapy isn't for me. I for sure frustrated him at times, he would try to get me to talk about things and I'd shut down. Over and over and over. I wanted to change the topic so we did.

Not sure I'm moving forward, I feel stuck in the same mental cycle. Who knows though.
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Old 01-15-2019, 07:10 PM   #62
DP_2017
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Originally Posted by precaryous View Post
DP, I’m sorry. What you’re going through sounds really painful.

This is a thought/question that came up for me as I read your thread:
Is it possible being upset with him helps your grieving hurt less?

I hope you find the comfort you need.
Maybe.... I did tell him I wish he was dying instead because it would be easier. In that case, he's gone forever but everyone loses him. In this case, not everyone has to lose him.... so it really sucks and makes me feel ****** so much. I've def felt more angry lately

Quote:
Originally Posted by scorpiosis37 View Post
What you are experiencing has a lot of similarities to what I went through with my T. However, she actually did lose her license (not related to her relationship with me) and she entered into a friendship with me immediately (no 2 year wait). What is similar, however, is the way I felt when I realized that the relationship we had in therapy did not hold up in the real world. I was also forced to confront the fact that what we had been doing for 5.5 years was not really therapy— we were just chit chatting and connecting. While it felt fun and helpful at the time, without seeing her every week in therapy the stability of having an emotional support disappeared. As an actual friend, she totally sucked. She flaked on me all the time, she was selfish, and she demonstrated that I was pretty low on her priority list. I was her “favorite client” but in her real life, other people came first. That would be totally understandable if she were actually my T— she hadn’t been that either. I had been in therapy for 5.5 years, but I hadn’t actually been getting therapy during that time. So it was like she just came in, filled a void, and then left— and that void was still there. For me, it started to hurt more that she was in my life, but in a superficial way. We would have coffee and she would ramble about dumb, meaninglessness things. It was nothing like the deep, connected stuff we talked about in therapy. It sent me on a mind spiral of “Does she really care about me? Did she ever really care about me? Does she really want me in her life? What is her MO?” It was incredibly confusing and she was totally inconsistent. One minute she would be saying “I love you” and “you’re going to be in my life forever!” and the next minute she would disappear for two months with no contact. The more I focused on my relationship with her, the more pain I was in. What helps me is detaching from that. After a long period of anger I am once again able to remember the good stuff, but if I focus on it too much and either live in the past or think about creating more good times in the future— then I get sucked into the roller coaster again. For me, focusing on other parts of my life is the best way to get through it. She is incapable of providing closure or fully recognizing the kind of damage she did— even if it felt good at the time. I just need to take hold of my own life and move on. I don’t think she’s evil or anything— I just think she has bigger problems than I do and I need to find happiness outside of her.
Wow that really sucks, I'm sorry to hear. Maybe this is why the 2 yrs is good, even for friends. It sucks no doubt but it gives you time apart to grow and be better versions of yourself. I'm hoping we could be friends someday but more than anything I just hope we meet up at least once. IF we decide to be friends, great, if not, thats ok too. For me, I don't expect much from people as far as friends so it would take a lot to bother me. I already know he's very much like me in wanting space and not hanging out constantly etc. Who knows though, I originally had like 50% or so hope for 2 yrs, now its like 0%, I cant imagine he will care, he will be happy with other people by then
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