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Old 01-13-2019, 08:46 PM   #11
ScarletPimpernel
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For my relationship with my T, I pay her for her expertise, experience, and time, but I don't pay for her to care about me. She does that for free. I know she cares based upon things she has said and backed it up with action. It's hard trusting her sometimes because of past experiences, and other times I'm reminded that I am her job (i.e. no contact during maternity leave, no reduced fee even though I'm struggling financially). But the relationship is real, the caring is real.

One of the reasons you might be struggling with your relationship with your ex-T is because it wasn't a therapeutic relationship. You didn't get therapy from him. So it's no wonder why it would be confusing now. I'm sorry he did this. My guess is that the care was genuine, but for some reason, he didn't do his job.
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Old 01-13-2019, 09:09 PM   #12
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Quote:
Originally Posted by zoiecat View Post
I'm sorry you're having such a hard time DP.
I am not downgrading your therapist but from the sound of your last post it's like he was more of a friend than a therapist and you thought of him the same way. I would not necessarily say he does not care or he thought of you as just a job but it sounds like he wants to keep his options open to be a therapist in the future if things don't work out with what he's doing now that is why is keeping up his license. It sounds like he really did care for you not in a therapist way which isn't good for him as far as his license is concerned so that is why he is avoiding you for the next two years.

I can't say yes or no that he will want to see you in two years he may have a totally different life by then and so may you.

You probably don't want to hear this and I know you've said this in the past that you don't like making friends with people but it sounds like he pretty much had a friend relationship with this guy who happened to be your therapist. Why not make the effort and try to make friends with another guy someone that you can actually be friends with now and it may lead to something deeper down the road.

Right now it seems like you're experiencing a break up as you would with any boyfriend. That takes awhile to get over and eventually people end up replacing the one they broke up with with someone better.

I think you should give it a try in my opinion that is always up to you. You have proven to yourself that you are capable of making friends with somebody.

Another thing that I noticed from all of your post as you constantly say that you're not good enough to be friends with or that the rules should change.

Looking at reality I seriously doubt the rules will change. Also in looking at reality your feelings about why he is not talking to you are not fact either. The fact is he can't be friends with you right now because he wants to keep his license and he has to follow the ethical rules of his profession. It has nothing to do with you it doesn't even mean he doesn't want to talk to you but he has to follow the rules. You do deserve to have a relationship it just can't be with him right now.

I wish you the best.
I really like this post so thanks.

As for the new friends thing, what I mean is, I'm not wanting to actively go out and meet new people and hope we click and be friends, it's more of a by chance thing for me. I had 2 guys, at the start of this year and both have already backfired, it's part of why I'm feeling so frustrated with my life.

One I work with and he asked to hang out and I did, but I was so uncomfortable the entire time, I came home and blocked him. (He was going on and on about weapons and hating people etc)

The other was a guy from my past, who contacted me after 8 years.... we chatted briefly via text and I found out, ironically he's a T now too, so I was wanting to meet up and talk and meet his new dog, but the day he told me we should meet up, I texted to ask if we still were on and *silence*... it was a week ago tomorrow. Not a word since. This type of **** happens to be constantly. so much so my best friend says that if she didn't know me and see this **** herself, she wouldn't believe this much crap happened to one person.

I never intended to have any relationship with T, other than a client.... and I don't think he did either. At first, things were fun and nice but it got deeper and we got closer and closer after the divorce. I once told him, we kinda helped each other get through the first year of loss, his divorce was 3 days before my dog died.
That could have been hugely what bonded us.... and we just got along so well. I don't find that click with many people... if my best friend lived closer, it would probably be a huge difference in my life. She's the only other person I have that with

Also, yes you are right about 2 years. Neither of us know that, and I've always been aware of it. We discussed just contact and if we both decide to meet up, go from there. I told him that "if the bond we had was a real thing and not just therapy, it will be easy to pick up like no time has passed" and he agreed.
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Old 01-13-2019, 09:10 PM   #13
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Quote:
Originally Posted by junkDNA View Post
there are some things in life that we are not granted closure for. I've dealt with a few. it takes acceptance and a willingness to keep moving forward. whether your t was being fake because it was his job or whether he and you had a very authentic relationship outside of the realm of therapy... doesn't really matter at this point. if you got what you needed from your therapist at the time then that's what matters... he helped you thru rough times in your life regardless of it being just his job or not. I don't think we can ever get a real truthful answer about this from therapists... at least I don't feel I can trust any answer from any therapist... which in my case is wise because I've been hurt before by people under the guise of help and therapy. I get the emotional turmoil over such questions but at some point I had to accept that I won't ever truly know.. and what matters is my life and the direction I want to take
This made a lot of sense, thanks
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Old 01-13-2019, 09:29 PM   #14
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I know this may not be what you want to obsess about now but... could not help myself to have a thought reading this in the OP: "In the final sessions, he admitted to having feelings (although wasnít specific on that) and a connection with me that he didnít have
with the others. He said repeatedly with happiness and hope (some times) that I can reach out in 2 yrs."

I remember there was some discussion on why the T was strict about the 2 years while there is no ethics rule that ex-T and ex-client cannot have a non-romantic friendship sooner. Plus, you constantly told us about how personal the relationship got, that you played some mysterious game that is way beyond normal boundaries/disclosures etc. So what if the T actually had some serious romantic feelings for you and that is the kind of relationship he would want to explore later? Why the 2 years? That in fact it's not that he does not care but he cares in really "inappropriate" ways? Dunno, it was just my first thought reading this post.
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Old 01-13-2019, 09:34 PM   #15
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^ could be, none of us knows what another is thinking. I've made more peace with the 2 yr thing, after talking to other people about it, that's not as big an issue to me now. I just really want to stop obsessing how the relationship being meaningless, I WANT to see the good in it.

Maybe it's part of grief, idk. When my dog died... I refused to talk about memories or anything with anyone, even T, for months. It wasn't that I felt it was meaningless, in that case, I knew he loved me and that he cared, no doubt, but it was that it was taken from me... I felt at times like he intentionally did it too and even told T that, which is absurd of course, but grief does weird things to your mind
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Old 01-13-2019, 09:42 PM   #16
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What would help you to see that it was/is not meaningless? Because, for me as a distant reader of your stories over time, it seems everything but meaningless. I think you are right that it is the grief coloring the whole thing now, that losing him (and not knowing whether there will ever be a follow-up) is what you focus on right now, not on what the relationship had provided.
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Old 01-13-2019, 09:55 PM   #17
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Xynesthesia View Post
That in fact it's not that he does not care but he cares in really "inappropriate" ways? Dunno, it was just my first thought reading this post.
I have wondered this as well.

btw - I am terrible at making friends. I explain it to my T as, I'm the person that there's nothing wrong with, I just am not thought about when other people are thinking of the "who" to invite to their things so I don't get invited. It's not even that they don't like me. I'm not sure she gets it. And yeah, I thought I was making progress in 2017, then I had surgery and complications from surgery. I reached out to those potential new friends and got silence. They knew I had surgery. One was my personal trainer that I thought might move into friendship zone (I was seeing her 2x a week for over a year, I had shared a lot of personal stuff and she had shared some back). After that I went through a period where I felt like see I can't even pay people to be my friend. Ok, that still stings.

I did get another personal trainer because I had/have goals that I cannot reach on my own. I was/am much more reserved with this personal trainer and we have no friend like interactions.

Anyway, kind of feel like going off topic here. I wanted to add my voice to this possible theory. We won't really know until the 2 yrs are up and you are able to contact him.
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Old 01-14-2019, 12:16 AM   #18
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You seem really bothered by the last text he sent you. It seems to be the thing that triggered a downward spiral. If I remember correctly, you texted him a photo of you guys that you took during that last session. He replied with something like, "Thanks, I'll save everything on this phone before the factory reset." He's basically saying he will save the photo and other photos and texts between you. I'm not sure why that upset you so much. I think he was trying to say that he cares and wants to remember you so he's saving everything. Why did that text make you feel like everything was fake or you were just his job?

Maybe if we talked about that text more we can figure out why you feel so bad.
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Old 01-14-2019, 12:56 AM   #19
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I would have read it like RaineD: him wanting to let you know he saved things you sent, that they were meaningful.
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Old 01-14-2019, 01:12 AM   #20
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Quote:
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You seem really bothered by the last text he sent you. It seems to be the thing that triggered a downward spiral. If I remember correctly, you texted him a photo of you guys that you took during that last session. He replied with something like, "Thanks, I'll save everything on this phone before the factory reset." He's basically saying he will save the photo and other photos and texts between you. I'm not sure why that upset you so much. I think he was trying to say that he cares and wants to remember you so he's saving everything. Why did that text make you feel like everything was fake or you were just his job?

Maybe if we talked about that text more we can figure out why you feel so bad.
Wait, this is his phone he had from work, the one he had to turn in correct? Then yeah, doesn't his statement mean that he'll save it all off the phone to someplace else before he had to turn it in? Unless RaineD is quoting that text incorrectly or if there was others that we missed; I'd read it as he's saving all the stuff. Why would he save it all someplace else (like his computer) if he didn't want to keep it, if it didn't mean something to him?

Granted, high probability here that I'm missing something, forgive me if I am.
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