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Old 12-12-2018, 03:09 PM #1
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Trig Feeling so small

So my therapist is always talking about being more vulnerable because I dont like to tell her what I am thinking or feeling alot. Anyway, today with in reference to my fathers innapropriate behavior she wanted to give me some ideas of what to say or do next time it happens( and now she thinks my father sexually abused me but thats not what this thread is about) So she was asking if he just reached down and started rubbing my legs she was quite concerned. Later when i told her that i sit on the right side of the couch kind of up my hip and my feet are beside him. She said oh well that sounds less intrusive maybe thats how he shows affection but he should at least be asking you. I just felt like she was saying I led him on or made it out to be more than it was even though i told her I didnt want to make more out of it than it was. So I sent kind of a ****** text saying well none of that explains why he would take a crotch shot of me then show it to me and thats why I dont like to share things because they get trivialized or i feel like they say i led someone on. Am I being reasonable or unreasonable? I feel so small. She also says she thinks I dissociated as a child when he did things( which i do dissociate sometimes but i havent near mu father that i recall) and do it now because thats what I am used to then in the same breath maybe thats how he shows affection. I feel 3 inches tall right now.
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Old 12-12-2018, 03:39 PM #2
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Default Re: Feeling so small

From what you posted, I don't hear she was suggesting that you led him on or was exaggerating but it is understandable that you feel that way. Do you think it might be because you tend to feel you have inappropriate desires/fantasies yourself (what you shared on other threads)?

I personally don't like how this T pushes things that she cannot possibly know... before it was about your mom and now about your dad and claiming that you dissociated while he did things. That is what would make me angry, all these assumptions and making them sound like facts.
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Old 12-12-2018, 04:00 PM #3
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Default Re: Feeling so small

It was more that she said ok thats innapropriate to ok well the way you were sitting makes it less intrusive. That made me feel stupid for even mentioning it to anybody. I dont know why she claims what she claims. I said so dont worry about it? She said that is your decision if you want him to rub your legs. Maybe its how he shows affection but he should be asking first.
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Old 12-12-2018, 04:35 PM #4
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Default Re: Feeling so small

I think an important thing here is, you don't like it when he rubs your leg, and you do not have to put up with it. It is absolutely your right to decide how you want to be touched and by who. Regardless of what his reasons are, you can say, "Hey Dad, I don't like that, please stop it."
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Old 12-12-2018, 04:37 PM #5
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Default Re: Feeling so small

It should be up to you how you get touched by anyone, it shouldn't matter who they are
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Old 12-12-2018, 07:36 PM #6
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Default Re: Feeling so small

I am not sure what your therapist was actually trying to say. Her statements sound kind of bizarre to me to be honest. The suggestion that the way your father touches you may be his way of showing affection is grossly inappropriate and invalidating, but, again, I don't know exactly how it was said, in what context since I wasn't in the room. It's sometimes difficult to understand what happened just based on someone's description.

Regardless, if you felt blamed and invalidated, those feelings are real and need to be respected. The important thing to remember is that your father has absolutely no right to touch you the way he does. Your body is sovereign and no one has the right to touch you the way you don't like or to touch you at all if you don't want that.
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Old 12-12-2018, 07:56 PM #7
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Default Re: Feeling so small

Quote:
Originally Posted by Ididitmyway View Post
I am not sure what your therapist was actually trying to say. Her statements sound kind of bizarre to me to be honest. The suggestion that the way your father touches you may be his way of showing affection is grossly inappropriate and invalidating, but, again, I don't know exactly how it was said, in what context since I wasn't in the room. It's sometimes difficult to understand what happened just based on someone's description.

Regardless, if you felt blamed and invalidated, those feelings are real and need to be respected. The important thing to remember is that your father has absolutely no right to touch you the way he does. Your body is sovereign and no one has the right to touch you the way you don't like or to touch you at all if you don't want that.

Yes thats the word I was looking for, invalidated. Although I was trying to make it clear that I didnt know if it was that bad. When she suggested the way I sat made it less intrusive I felt really invalidated be6cause I cant understand why that would matter. Like I was asking for it or something.
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Old 12-13-2018, 12:42 AM #8
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Dnester View Post
Yes thats the word I was looking for, invalidated. Although I was trying to make it clear that I didnt know if it was that bad. When she suggested the way I sat made it less intrusive I felt really invalidated be6cause I cant understand why that would matter. Like I was asking for it or something.
So, when she said that the way you sat made it less intrusive, did it feel to you that she was implying that you can be in control of your father's behavior and that the way you sit would make a difference and that if you sat in a certain way that would deter your father from touching you inappropriately? In a sense, did it feel like she was suggesting that you are in control of the situation?
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Old 12-13-2018, 02:16 AM #9
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Default Re: Feeling so small

Quote:
Originally Posted by Dnester View Post
So my therapist is always talking about being more vulnerable because I dont like to tell her what I am thinking or feeling alot. Anyway, today with in reference to my fathers innapropriate behavior she wanted to give me some ideas of what to say or do next time it happens( and now she thinks my father sexually abused me but thats not what this thread is about) So she was asking if he just reached down and started rubbing my legs she was quite concerned. Later when i told her that i sit on the right side of the couch kind of up my hip and my feet are beside him. She said oh well that sounds less intrusive maybe thats how he shows affection but he should at least be asking you. I just felt like she was saying I led him on or made it out to be more than it was even though i told her I didnt want to make more out of it than it was. So I sent kind of a ****** text saying well none of that explains why he would take a crotch shot of me then show it to me and thats why I dont like to share things because they get trivialized or i feel like they say i led someone on. Am I being reasonable or unreasonable? I feel so small. She also says she thinks I dissociated as a child when he did things( which i do dissociate sometimes but i havent near mu father that i recall) and do it now because thats what I am used to then in the same breath maybe thats how he shows affection. I feel 3 inches tall right now.
This is painful stuff, and how you feel is how you feel. Learning to have feelings and believe them is a long journey. This is the stuff to talk about in therapy, even though it hurts and seems like conflict.
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Old 12-13-2018, 07:18 AM #10
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Default Re: Feeling so small

Quote:
Originally Posted by Dnester View Post
She said oh well that sounds less intrusive maybe thats how he shows affection but he should at least be asking you. I just felt like she was saying I led him on or made it out to be more than it was even though i told her I didnt want to make more out of it than it was.
I don't see the interpretations of her statement the same as you. If you dole out information like it's rationed and a person gets the wrong impression, she will correct it like your T did. "Less intrusive" just means he made a somewhat smaller, inappropriate, possibly sexualized gesture by touching you without your permission compared to what she thought before. It's still the same thing and "intrusive" (wrong) is the key, it doesn't matter where on the scale you place it, it's a violation. There is nothing in her words that suggests you exaggerated it, only that she didn't understand at first.

In my field we call trying to place things on a harm continuum in s e x abuse "d*cksizing." Who can say whether this act or that act is somehow worse? The moment I read "intrusive" I felt a flash back to my own CSA, different in acts than yours but the *feeling* of being intruded upon is terrible.

Violation is violation. In the research literature on rape, those who survived an attempt are more psychologically harmed than those who are victims of a completed rape. Maybe at least in part based on what you are experiencing.

To deny that something is painful is a great short term strategy in coping, it gives you some distance and maybe the ability to see the thing more clearly than before. But in the long run it will come back and kick you in the teeth until you acknowledge it, or so has been my experience.
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