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Old 12-11-2018, 08:11 PM   #1
nottrustin
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Last week Emdr talked about how eventually after the loss of a loved one we should get to the point where thoughts of the loved one should bring happy memories not sadness. So tonight I brought it up and asked if that really happens with bbn parents when you had a close relationship. She responded I dont know I haven't lost a parent. I respect her honesty. But it was a little frustrating. She thought about people who she knows who lost a parent. Her parents were the only ones she would think of. Yup makes me jealous. In all fairness I know two people in my age range.

She did explain more what she meant and how it applied to.
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Old 12-12-2018, 12:26 AM   #2
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Old 12-12-2018, 06:55 AM   #3
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I'm not sure about what EMDR T said regarding grief. I lost my grandmother, to whom I was very close, almost 4 years ago, and I definitely still have feelings of sadness mixed in with some good memories. I mean, with my other grandmother, who passed away when I was 9, I still feel some sadness if I think of her. I say that not to make you feel hopeless in your grief, but more realistic. I think it's different for everyone. And though he was talking about a non-death loss, current T has told me that grieving can be along process and sadness can hit at seemingly random times and also at anniversaries. I think it's a different path for everyone and every situation. You feel what you feel.
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Old 12-12-2018, 07:41 AM   #4
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I don't know about the "should" part of grief-- if indeed that is literally what she meant. Now a few years after my spouse's death I can say I recognize the phenomenon of the flutterings of happiness at some of the random memories, or times when I deliberately think about him or revisit his gravesite. There is still sadness at the loss, and I doubt that goes away. The sadness is not as painful or profound as it used to be, and I don't mind feeling sadness. It's just a feeling and so far hasn't killed me, and I don't experience it as negative even if it is typically considered a negative feeling.
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Old 12-12-2018, 08:56 AM   #5
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When I dspoke to her last night I asked her to clarify what she meant last week. What she meant was that there is healthy grief and not so healthy. With me it isn't so much that I have those floods of emotions it is how long they last. She used the example of my mom and the month of May. Between mothers day, her birthday and her anniversary to my abuser it can really effect me for a month. I typically start getting very irritable and anxious a week or two before without realizing why and then trying to avoid those days. Even though I am a mom I despise Mother's day because of sadness. May is just one example if this. She believes this is because the are so many issues that tie into it such as my abandonment issues, did she or didnt she know about the abuse, her (and my young age), etc. She thinks once we are able to process and work through those issues my grief will become easier and healthier. She also pointed out that it is understandable I would struggle with it. She isn't in any way trying to rush the process.
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Old 12-12-2018, 10:37 AM   #6
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The other thing is should I, for the most part, not bring up when this is going on? I've managed to deal with the grief long before starting therapy. I now imagine her thinking "not again" in the future. Ugh. I don't want to revisit the subject again next week especially since after that she is takin one week or potentially for the holiday. On the other hand she doesn't SEEM to mind when I bring up our discussion from the week before.

Therapy can suck...ugh.
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Old 12-12-2018, 12:24 PM   #7
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I'm surprised she categorises grief as either healthy or unhealthy.

Sometimes I still like to talk to my new T about my T that died.
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Old 12-12-2018, 12:37 PM   #8
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Wild at heart View Post
I'm surprised she categorises grief as either healthy or unhealthy.

Sometimes I still like to talk to my new T about my T that died.
Me too on both accounts. I do sort of think she has a point in regards to mom. When I started with T 10 years ago one of the issues was that I was still really struggling with it 8 years after her death.
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Old 12-12-2018, 02:15 PM   #9
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Originally Posted by nottrustin View Post
The other thing is should I, for the most part, not bring up when this is going on? I've managed to deal with the grief long before starting therapy. I now imagine her thinking "not again" in the future. Ugh. I don't want to revisit the subject again next week especially since after that she is takin one week or potentially for the holiday. On the other hand she doesn't SEEM to mind when I bring up our discussion from the week before.

Therapy can suck...ugh.
NT, it's YOUR therapy, not hers. If you want to mention it at every session, so be it. If you don't want to talk about it, then don't.--Cool
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Old 12-12-2018, 03:22 PM   #10
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I can't say much regarding the grieving process, I have only lost one person in my life so far and from that experience I'd conclude that everyone feels different about the whole thing, from how you feel at the start, how you deal with it and how it is after a while.


But what I can say is that I agree with coolibrarian. If you want to talk about it, if it helps you, it doesn't matter what she wants or thinks. If you don't want to revisit it for a week, a month or however long, that's fine. If you want to talk it to no ends, that's fine too.
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