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Old 12-12-2018, 04:27 PM   #11
Wild at heart
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Me too on both accounts. I do sort of think she has a point in regards to mom. When I started with T 10 years ago one of the issues was that I was still really struggling with it 8 years after her death.
To call grief unhealthy seems a bit judgemental. If you still have deep distress at times about it, there's a reason for that. We are all made differently, by genes and our life experiences.
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Old 12-12-2018, 04:43 PM   #12
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Last week Emdr talked about how eventually after the loss of a loved one we should get to the point where thoughts of the loved one should bring happy memories not sadness.
I think this is core therapy pathology... mere opinion presented as truth, along with the implication that not aligning what that opinion means you are mentally ill. Only a crazy person would try to define appropriate grief for someone else.
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Old 12-12-2018, 06:01 PM   #13
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To call grief unhealthy seems a bit judgemental. If you still have deep distress at times about it, there's a reason for that. We are all made differently, by genes and our life experiences.
She agree there is a reason. She suspects it might have to do with my abuse and abandonment issues. She knows how much pain the grief still causes me and would like to help me get to the point it isn't so painful for extended periods of time.
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Old 12-12-2018, 06:07 PM   #14
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So many are commenting on the unhealthy/inappropriate grief. Is it healthy to frequently be in extreme pain to the point of effecting a person's life for an extended period of time sometimes up to a month? That is what she said and I believe that was her intervention. She is the least judgmental person I know at least as a therapist.
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Old 12-12-2018, 06:41 PM   #15
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I don't think the comment on it being unhealthy was meant in a judgemental way.

I can't tell you what other people exactly experience. But from what I've heard from friends and family, 'healthy' grieving seems to stop being so intense quite quickly. You're still sad of course. You're still grieving. But it's not so painful that a person can't work or concentrate on something else for a while.

When some of my pets passed, I was sad. I cried for a day or two. After that it was still painful to think of them being gone, but I could fall asleep, I didn't cry myself to sleep, and after some months I was able to look at pictures of them without being overwhelmed. Same with the only person I've ever lost, I was sad for a few days, but it quickly got better to the point of not crying a whole lot anymore and not thinking about it much either.

I think that if something like your situation happened to me, I'd react very similarly. I'd experience it as something very traumatic, which sounds similar to what you're describing. I'm not sure what is the best thing to do when being in such a situation. But I'd think it's talking to somebody who knows how to deal with trauma, which you are doing. Talking about things that are traumatic can be even more traumatizing, but I'd hope that EMDR T can judge how far and fast you can go with this. So I don't think you just shouldn't talk about it anymore, just to not bother her. If it's affecting you and you're having trouble with it, it's fine to bring it up and seek help for that.
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Old 12-12-2018, 07:41 PM   #16
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I don't think the comment on it being unhealthy was meant in a judgemental way.

I can't tell you what other people exactly experience. But from what I've heard from friends and family, 'healthy' grieving seems to stop being so intense quite quickly. You're still sad of course. You're still grieving. But it's not so painful that a person can't work or concentrate on something else for a while.

When some of my pets passed, I was sad. I cried for a day or two. After that it was still painful to think of them being gone, but I could fall asleep, I didn't cry myself to sleep, and after some months I was able to look at pictures of them without being overwhelmed. Same with the only person I've ever lost, I was sad for a few days, but it quickly got better to the point of not crying a whole lot anymore and not thinking about it much either.

I think that if something like your situation happened to me, I'd react very similarly. I'd experience it as something very traumatic, which sounds similar to what you're describing. I'm not sure what is the best thing to do when being in such a situation. But I'd think it's talking to somebody who knows how to deal with trauma, which you are doing. Talking about things that are traumatic can be even more traumatizing, but I'd hope that EMDR T can judge how far and fast you can go with this. So I don't think you just shouldn't talk about it anymore, just to not bother her. If it's affecting you and you're having trouble with it, it's fine to bring it up and seek help for that.
Thank you Chicken, she is really good when I say I can't/ dont want to talk about it any more. She immediately will say okay done. Okay what do you want to talk about? No questions or pushing.
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Old 12-13-2018, 01:44 PM   #17
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Has your EMDR T ever lost anyone? I know she hasn't lost her parents, but has she lost anyone else important? I find that people who have never lost a significant person to death simply are incapable of understanding grief.

For me, the majority of my friends have never lost anyone significant, and some of them have tried to relate to my grief by comparing it to their grief over breakups. I find that they do not really understand. I know people can grieve the end of a relationship or the loss of a job, but that kind of grief is simply not the same as grief over the death of a loved one.

Until I lost my T, I have never lost anyone significant either. And, looking back, I can see that I did not understand grief at all. I've experienced lots of breakups, and I've even been fired from a job. But none of those experiences were even remotely comparable to losing my T. They're not just quantitatively different. They're qualitatively different.

When you break up with someone or someone breaks up with you, something was already wrong with the relationship. And you knew on some level. You may have been in denial, but deep down inside, you knew. That kind of loss could be extremely painful, but it is qualitatively SO DIFFERENT from losing someone you love to death. Death is involuntary. It is thrust upon you and your loved one. Death is also final, with no possibility of reconciliation.

I don't know if I'm explaining this well, but, to me, these different types of grief are completely different. You can't extrapolate what grief over death feels like by drawing on your experiences with grief over breakups.

So, I guess my point is, if your EMDR T has never lost anyone significant, then she probably really just doesn't understand grief. I don't think it's something you can learn from books or training. It's something that can only be learned through personal experience.
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Old 12-13-2018, 07:04 PM   #18
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[QUOTE=RaineD;6365714
So, I guess my point is, if your EMDR T has never lost anyone significant, then she probably really just doesn't understand grief. I don't think it's something you can learn from books or training. It's something that can only be learned through personal experience.[/QUOTE]

She mentioned her grandfather's death but thats all. I know her parents are still alive.

For me the pain of T's death death ranks up close to the pain of losing my mom
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Old 12-13-2018, 09:31 PM   #19
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I really agree with RaineD- Iíve also found that people who have never lost anyone like a parent genuinely have no idea what that kind of grief is like. And it seems like many of them donít even realize that they have no idea what that kind of loss is like - how wrenching and overpowering and horrible it can be, and the way the waves of grief can be incapacitating.
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Old 12-13-2018, 10:04 PM   #20
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I really agree with RaineD- Iíve also found that people who have never lost anyone like a parent genuinely have no idea what that kind of grief is like. And it seems like many of them donít even realize that they have no idea what that kind of loss is like - how wrenching and overpowering and horrible it can be, and the way the waves of grief can be incapacitating.
I have found the same thing to be true. My husband is a perfect example. He has lost his grandparents and tries to be supportive but ends up saying things like "you just need to accept it and move on" I have also my grandparents but that grief has been nothing compared to my mom and to a degree my T. T understood the pain because her dad died and he was no far the parent she was closest to.
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