Dear T:I Really Need to Tell you Something... Part XXXVII - Page 43 - Forums at Psych Central


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Old 12-26-2018, 01:03 PM #421
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Default Re: Dear T:I Really Need to Tell you Something... Part XXXVII

T,
You let me down again, today. We have our moments when things are good and I feel cared for and connected, but those are few and far between. I think today was the nail in the coffin today, I give up on our therapy ever being productive. I try to tell you with words, instead of show you through unhealthy actions, how miserable I am, and I feel like you ignore my words. I repeatedly, day after day, wrote to you in my journal that I want to die, and it feels like you ignored that entirely. Well...you always ignore that entirely. Maybe thatís because I havenít ever revealed the extent of my current ideation. I just donít want to be involuntarily hospitalized. I used to talk about my suicidal thoughts all of the time with S, and sheíd make them go away. But when you ignore them, they just continue to grow. Honestly, I donít even feel inclined to share anything with you anymore, because when I share, it never gets me what I need. You make me miss S so much. Your advice today was crap. I told you I want to die and you come back with telling me to listen to motivational podcasts?? And you donít even have any to suggest...I tell you my ex contacted me on Christmas to ďbe friends againĒ and you have absolutely nothing to offer regarding that. I feel so alone in life. You know that. I donít think you know how much you contribute to that. I guess I just have to deal with this until summer. I assume Iíll be leaving the program then and finding a new T. I feel fine with that at the moment. I have determined today that letting you in and letting my walls down is never going to be worth it. You canít help me like S could. You remind me way too much of M, sometimes, and we both know how my therapy with her worked out...I tried to tell you how I feel and you donít seem to care. All I have left to do is to show you. Iím done trying to prevent self-harm. If I need it, Iím going to do it. I have to. I have no better emotional release. Skills stop working when you realize there is no getting better. Skills arenít supposed to make me feel better, so what is? It used to be sessions. Now I just leave session unsatisfied the large majority of the time, feeling like my needs havenít been met. And it hurt me when we talked about this once and you said that I have had a problem with every T that Iíve seen, except S. Thatís so far from the truth. The only one that I saw for any period of time longer than a month/trial period and didnít like was M. It feels like youíre blaming me for our therapy not working. Youíre probably right to, though, Iím the one building the wall between us. But maybe that wall is a good thing...thatís what Iím starting to see today...
I could write to you all day...but I donít think youíd ever really hear me...
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Old 12-26-2018, 01:56 PM #422
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Default Re: Dear T:I Really Need to Tell you Something... Part XXXVII

I'm so mad at u rn
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Old 12-26-2018, 03:13 PM #423
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Default Re: Dear T:I Really Need to Tell you Something... Part XXXVII

I know I said don't email back but...don't listen to me!
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Old 12-26-2018, 03:16 PM #424
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Default Re: Dear T:I Really Need to Tell you Something... Part XXXVII

1.I've got more family drama to tell you, but it just makes more angry with my grandmother and I've been avoiding her as much as I can. The odd 2 mins hello each day but nothing more. Maybe I am just being selfish but I can't forgive her and just move on.

2.I was angry at you going away on holiday and if I'm being honest I feel like a bit of me still is.

3.
Possible trigger:
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Last edited by Lemoncake; 12-26-2018 at 04:19 PM.
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Old 12-26-2018, 03:41 PM #425
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Default Re: Dear T:I Really Need to Tell you Something... Part XXXVII

I get to see you tomorrow AND Friday!

Thank you for emailing me this entire break. All the hugs.
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Old 12-26-2018, 04:19 PM #426
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Default Re: Dear T:I Really Need to Tell you Something... Part XXXVII

I am trying to be mindful and not run away with my negative thoughts. It has helped me not be so miserable.
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Old 12-26-2018, 04:29 PM #427
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Default Re: Dear T:I Really Need to Tell you Something... Part XXXVII

Hi R,

Tonight I feel like hammered dog crap physically, which sure as heck isn't helping my mental state. Hopefully the crud will have passed through by the time I see you next.

Warmest wishes for the New Year,

Lost
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Old 12-26-2018, 04:31 PM #428
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Default Re: Dear T:I Really Need to Tell you Something... Part XXXVII

When will this pain stop. When will my automatic thoughts about you and our next appointment stop. Today I have been searching for ways to connect with you. I have googled you more in depth than ever before. I just want to feel your warmth. Instead All I feel is more sadness because Ieill never see you again in this lifetime. It doesnt help that t is takening a week off. But because of the holidays falling in my appointment day I will have almost 2 weeks where I will not see her. I cant handle this pain anymore. If she cant really understand the grief I deal with in regards to my mom. I cant imagine she would understand about you. Dhe is very supportive though and mentioned even before your passing, you maternal roll in my life.
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Old 12-26-2018, 04:43 PM #429
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Default Re: Dear T:I Really Need to Tell you Something... Part XXXVII

I'm using again cuz if I didnt I'd kill myself. So its actually a good thing ???😑
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Old 12-26-2018, 04:58 PM #430
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Default Re: Dear T:I Really Need to Tell you Something... Part XXXVII

I am so excited to see you tomorrow. I have you all to myself for three hours!!! Tomorrow come soon...
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