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Old 09-08-2018, 07:59 PM #101
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Default Re: In Session Today: Part V

Quote:
Originally Posted by stopdog View Post
I have done that. I told the woman she was a just a consultant and therapists are a dime a dozen etc. I don't see that is a bad thing to remind them.
I doubt it fazed her any.
LOL

Quote:
Originally Posted by LonesomeTonight View Post
I've told him before that he's probably had very attached clients, but they just haven't told him. That it took a long time before I told even ex-T about my attachment for ex-MC. I'm mostly open about it with current T because I've been through it before and know that keeping it inside often just intensifies it (at least for me). So if it's the first time in therapy for one of his clients (likely, as he sees lots of teens), they may not realize what's going on and/or feel like they can talk about it with him.
Idk If I buy that. Maybe he has some not so good attachment experiences or he's never had one with such intensity as yours... but none at all in all those years? Seems very unlikely, even if it's mostly teens. My T has only been a T for 5 years and has dealt with it quite a bit in the past already.
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Old 09-08-2018, 08:03 PM #102
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Default Re: In Session Today: Part V

Quote:
Originally Posted by DP_2017 View Post
LOL



Idk If I buy that. Maybe he has some not so good attachment experiences or he's never had one with such intensity as yours... but none at all in all those years? Seems very unlikely, even if it's mostly teens. My T has only been a T for 5 years and has dealt with it quite a bit in the past already.

True, mine's been in practice over 15 years. Probably closer to 20. Maybe clients who feel that toward him just end up leaving because they feel he can't deal with it or doesn't understand? I don't know.
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Old 09-11-2018, 04:32 PM #103
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Default Re: In Session Today: Part V

T yesterday. Went back and sat down. I noticed that the shell was still where I'd put it in sand tray, which was somewhat comforting.

He asked how I was. I said kind of anxious for some reason. He asked why that might be. I said I'd woken in a panic from a dream the night before, where I was struggling to control a car going down the road at the beach (where I'd recently been with my parents). T: "I don't know. I think it would take someone with a PhD and 30 years of experience to interpret that one. And I only have 15 years." I kind of laughed because he was obviously being sarcastic, because it's pretty clearly a beach stress dream. Said I'd had some other weird dreams lately, including one the other night where I was a man. Thought he'd want to pursue that one more, but he didn't.

I said I was still feeling panicky and emotional, but didn't know why. He asked what might be going on. I said how it's the 6-year anniversary of H's friend's death, and I'd been reading a post by his friend that morning that made me tear up. Plus, the friend's mother had just died a few days ago, and H had gone to sit shiva with his sister a bit on Sunday. And had talked some about it that night. I'd said he could talk about his friend more, but he didn't that much, and I feel I wasn't paying as much attention as I should have, so I felt bad.

Crying (I went through lots of tissues this session), I shared more details of the friend's life and death, how he'd had a few medical conditions.
Possible trigger:


I said how H never seemed to want to talk about the death much, including in marriage counseling. T said made a rather awkward analogy that I won't share here, but basically came down to it often needing to be the right time/place for men to talk about feelings. I said how it seemed like his feelings came out as anger directed toward me and D, which I tried to make allowances for because of his loss. T said it was good of me to do that. But I said eventually, it just became too much, which led us to marriage counseling.

T said how emotions are going to come out in some way or another. Ideally, we deal with them internally and/or talk about them with other people. But if we don't, they can come out in other ways. He mentioned complex grief, how it can lead to depression and/or anxiety. I said with H, I thought it was maybe depression leading to anger. T said that sounded more like what would go with anxiety, that maybe he had a mix of both.

From what I said about the friend, H's relationship with him, and my relationship with him, T said he wondered about something. He said that sometimes, we can have mixed feelings about a loss. How he had a client who'd always fight with his brother, then the brother passed away. The client was sad, but also would feel some relief going to family functions, knowing the brother wouldn't be there. And he wondered if in H's case, could have been something similar. And also in my case. I cried more and said maybe, in some way, but I feel awful thinking that. T said it's completely normal to think.

I said I guessed it was that way with my grandmother, too. How the last few years of her life, she was bedridden, and that she was normally vibrant and active. So it was hard for me to see her like that. And caring for her took a big toll on my mom and aunt. So when she passed away, it was like, I was sad, but relieved in a way for my mom. T said it's very common with caregivers, like maybe my mom/aunt felt a mix, too. I said i felt really guilty for not seeing her more near the end, that it was so hard for me to see her like that, how I feared she thought I'd forgotten about her. And also that I didn't mourn her much at time, maybe partly because no funeral. T said it could be my grieving process had been going on for a long time, like since she'd been sick. I said that made sense.

I said how I guess one death makes me think of others. T agreed. I mentioned how when ex-MC's wife passed away, I was really emotional, and I felt weird about it because I was more emotional about her than my grandmother or H's friend. But that maybe it just brought up their deaths in my mind. And plus it made me think of my own mortality, because she wasn't that much older than me, was also a wife and mom. T said any death can make you think of your own mortality.

I said I worried I wasn't keeping myself healthy enough for D. That I felt care for her should be enough to motivate that. But it isn't that simple, right? T agreed. I said how I didn't want to have to leave her because of unhealthy habits. T said how almost every parent does something that's unhealthy.
Possible trigger:


Somewhere in there, we also talked about D's autism diagnosis. How she was starting to go through testing (more for language delays) around the time of H's friend's death. T said maybe that's part of why H struggled so much with her diagnosis. I said how at one point, he'd said to me, "You want something to be wrong with her." But of course I didn't. T said the worst feeling in the world is to think something might be wrong with your child, especially in their development. The way he was talking, I felt he was speaking as a fellow parent there, rather than as a T. And as a fellow parent with a child on the autism spectrum. Even though we don't talk about his son (and I intentionally don't ask questions about him), it just helps at times to think "he gets it."

There were a couple moments of levity mixed in with the death and tears. I mentioned how maybe the reason I'm thinking of my grandmother so much is that the Hurricane heading toward the East Coast shares her first name. That I wanted to post on Facebook, "Don't worry, we haven't forgotten about you, you don't need to remind us in the form of a giant storm!" T laughed. I said how she's Italian (though born here). T said, "Isn't naming someone Italian Florence like naming someone from Texas 'Houston'?" I said I guessed so. He said they used to live next to Israelis and that he told them their dog had a unique name. Then they told him it was Hebrew for "dog," which amused him. I said, "Here's my cat, gato!" (Spanish word for cat.)

Confirmed Thursday, scheduled for next Monday and Thursday. As I went over to his desk, I said how I felt exhausted from the session and the crying. But that apparently I needed to get the stuff out. T agreed. I said, "And crying releases stress hormones, right?" T: "You got it!" I paid, while talking about football. He shook my hand, saying, "Enjoy Monday Night Football!" I said thanks, I would, then left, still feeling really emotional and raw, which continued throughout the evening and led to email exchange that didn't really help. Seeing him tomorrow instead of Thursday now, since he had an opening.

Last edited by LonesomeTonight; 09-11-2018 at 08:32 PM.
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Old 09-11-2018, 05:25 PM #104
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Default Re: In Session Today: Part V

Had my session yesterday with T2, and I was debating on whether to go sit on the couch or not while I was in the waiting room. But as soon as I went back, I chickened out and sat in the chair instead. He asked how this weekend was and I said it was horrible, and he got the sense that was the case as soon as I came in. I told him about taking my son to a walk in crisis center and how hard that was for me. I also told him about my appointment with my pcp yesterday morning, and how my doctor wanted to admit me to the hospital. Told him she said that I had to see the general surgeon about my wound immediately afterwards or "We'd hunt you down." He didn't know if that was a joke, but I told him she seemed pretty serious about it.
Talked about my H pressuring me to give him sex and what I did about that. T2 has been asking me about how I feel when I come to sessions, and I said I was nervous because I didn't want to breakdown and cry so we talked about that. I held it together during the session and wish I could have let myself let go. Supposed to see him tomorrow evening as well.
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Old 09-12-2018, 03:53 AM #105
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Default Re: In Session Today: Part V

T: You are incredibly brave and I am almost always in awe of it whenever that side of you comes out. But I wonder how long you can keep this up.

Me: Isn’t this what people are expected to do? Keep yourself together, get on with life, move forward?

T: And what happens when that doesn’t work?

Me: Then you keep yourself busy. Keep yourself active.

T: Because if you stop moving, then everything will catch up to you

Me: I’m just trying not to completely fall apart

T: But Em, this is exactly the place to fall apart.

Me: So should I make sure to schedule my emotional breakdowns specifically so they will only occur session times?

T: I know you are being sarcastic, but there is some truth to that. Right now, you are not giving certain emotions any space because you are worried that you won’t be able to control them. You don’t have to control them here.

Me: What if I can’t control them after leaving here?

T: Then we can work on safety nets. We’ll plan for it. One thing to put on that list is contacting me during the week if things get too much.

Me: I might be too much for you.

T: Em, I know I’ve said this a lot, but I want to reiterate it because it’s true. I am partly responsible for helping you through this. And although my goal has always been to help you through this pain, I am very aware that I am also responsible for causing some of it. I ask you questions, push you to be vulnerable, and when you go out that door, that responsibility doesn’t stop.

Me: But aren’t you supposed to make sure you have strict boundaries

T: I do. I’ve never seen you even come close to crossing them. If you are worried about logistics and practicality, I deliberately schedule a specific amount of clients so there is enough time to focus on each one individually even after sessions. Em, you don’t have to worry about me.
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Old 09-12-2018, 08:18 AM #106
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Default Re: In Session Today: Part V

I made some big progress with a phobia and T suggested I take a picture to prove it so I did, it's pretty cool to look at it.

He wanted to discuss the feelings I still have from our rupture in May but I declined and he said that was fine and we can close that chapter. So I'm happy about that. I don't wanna dig up old things and make more problems.
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Old 09-12-2018, 02:26 PM #107
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Default Re: In Session Today: Part V

He was outside. He apologised and said he was negotiating flowerbed positions with workmen.

I went in and put the stone (transitional object) on the table, telling him I would like him to hold it when he's ready (he was cleaning his glasses).
He said okay and I got my phone to read him a poem I wrote. I read it and I looked over and the stone was gone. He said "I've got it". I carried on reading. The poem mentioned the pendulum in his clock and how it still spins when he's not there. After I read it he asked me if he had told me the story with the clock (he put it in the room because it means there is constant movement in the room) and I said yes, I'm not completely psychic. I said he told me a long time ago but I remember.

He said he liked the poem I emailed him. He said it reminds him of tortioses, poking their heads out then going back into their shells. He said that analogy is tainted by the fact tortoises are notoriously slow, but he can't think of another animal that does that. I said maybe some sea creatures? He said yeah he thought of a crab "especially the one that takes the shells of other sea creatures" I said "hermit crabs" he said "yeah".

I said I was worried he would see the email as critical, and it wasn't meant that way. He said not at all, and he wanted to reassure me that he is examining his part in it.

I told him that I figured out part of what was happening with the arm wrestle conversation, and why I became upset. I read back over something I had written for myself about it.
Possible trigger:


After that I told him I was extremely anxious to say this even though it's not bad... my heart was racing and my chest was tight...and i told him (slowly) that I'm going on a workshop run by his ex therapist. I tried to justify it the whole time I was saying it. He said it makes sense, it's a subject I'm interested in and it's a specialist subject of his ex-T's. I said I was anxious he would feel I was doing it just because it's his ex T.
He said he doesn't think that but it's important to notice my anxiety and that it's linked to previous times when he has felt intruded upon. He said he is sorry I felt anxious.
I told him I think his response here will be added to the tapestry of my experience of his responses just like his past responses and will play a part in how I expect him to respond in the future. He said he noticed he's curious about how his ex T is, he hasn't seen him in a long time.

I asked for my stone back, he said it might be warm. I said "good" and he laughed. He asked me how that had worked as a connection experiment? I said good I think but time will tell as I wanted him to hold it for it to help me between sessions too. I said it felt nice to have him hold it in session.

I told T I bought dobble to play when we feel disconnected or when we need a change of pace but I haven't brought it today. I talked about playing it with my kids. I said it is more practical than chess or arm wrestling.


We talked a little about how time passes and how he lets me manage the time. He said he always sees quarter to till 5 past as a crucial time. I said yeah and things often get brought up at that point. Which is another reason i was anxious about the workshop conversation. We stood up, hugged (without me asking) and went to leave.

A lorry was coming and he said it's delivering stones, watch out. I said I'll try not to get run over. He said or a stone dropped on your head. I said have you risk assessed this?! He laughed and said No!. I said seeya next week and left.
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Default Re: In Session Today: Part V

(((Echos))) i like your session writeups they remind me of some of my sessions. The intimate time i missed with my mom.

Its like, all i needed was for my mom to like me. That was her only job, ya know? Who else did she think was gonna do it, if not her?
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Old 09-12-2018, 11:07 PM #109
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Default Re: In Session Today: Part V

Had my 2x session of the week with T2 tonight. Told him I wasn't in the right head space and he saod he got that vibe. I wanted to laugh and asked if he was psychic or some crap like that. Told him I've been feeling like peacing out from evertrying, and cancelling all my appointments. He asked what I think he would do if I didn't show up, and I said nothing...that I expected nothing from him because it's just a no call no show appointment and that would be that. He said he would have called me and asked what was going on and to call him back. Told him I don't want people to waste their time and energy worrying about me, that they have their own lives to worry about...he said I feel like I'm not worthy of others caring about me. He asked about EMDR sessions and wondering if I'm wearing myself thin trying to open up to different people but said if I think it's helping me and I want to continue with Emdr that it's fine too. Also told him I worry about keeping myself safe after last weekend with my H.. He asked if there's anything he can do to help me. He asked if I would call him if I wanted to hurt myself and I said no, that my emotions and meltdowns don't happen on business hours. He laughed and said he's not saying that I can only call him between 9-5, but said sometimes he might not be able to answer right away but he'd call me back as soon as he could. See emdr tomorrow.
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Old 09-13-2018, 07:28 AM #110
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Default Re: In Session Today: Part V

First session back was difficult to put into words. R came to the door and pulled me into a hug as soon as she crossed the threshold.

She confirmed what had happened and then said that she did not want me to feel as though I cannot talk honestly about my experiences.

‘If anything comes up and you feel that you aren’t sure whether to talk about it, please bring it into the room.’

She then asked me how I have been. ‘The word that comes to mind is intense, but that doesn’t really tell you anything.’

‘It says something.’

‘I’ve actually written something I would like to share with you.’

‘Of course.’

‘I would appreciate it if you read it to yourself and then we can talk about it.’

I fiddled with my pebble as she read.

‘Thank you, Lost. This gives me a good idea of how things have been. Firstly, an apology…do you feel that not knowing how long I would be away for had an impact?’

‘Yes, that was hard.’




‘If I could go back, I feel like I would have managed expectations better, but I didn’t know how long I was going to be away for.’

I waffled more about the pottery experience and how I felt as though I ought to have cut her off when the topic of first came up, but I didn’t feel able to.

‘Do you think you would have been able to if you hadn’t experienced the freezer sensation or the panic attack?’

‘I am not sure. It took me a while to come back from it, and when the beer bottle exploded, I didn’t even register the noise.’




‘That is an indication to you of how far you were into that different space?’




‘Yes, I thought to myself later of when you’re at the dentist and they say “If you need me to stop, put your hand up.” Why isn’t there a more universal signal like that?’




‘When you say ‘Come back from it’, what did you do?’




‘Journalling, meditation…anything that brings me back to the present moment. This is now.’




‘Of course, it snowballed from there. I was just coming back to solid ground when I got the news that a longtime supporter of my music had died suddenly.’




‘I’m sorry to hear that, Lost.’




‘So, there was a feeling of ‘If you don’t go back, there may not be a session for you to return to…It is not as if there’s going to be an event which will wipe out the musicians!’

I went on to say that I sometimes feel like a hedgehog. ‘I want to curl up but I am afraid that my spines will hurt people.’




We also talked about the links between my inner critic and filtering system. R gets a very strong sense that I am not able to speak freely.

‘Sometimes there ware pauses when you are thinking, but sometimes I get a strong sense that you are fighting with something. I feel a sadness, because I want to say ‘Just say it!’




R asked whether the filtering happens in all my conversations and then we talked about how I allocate so much energy to the avoidance of triggers that I am not really involved in the conversation.




‘On a good day, I am running at 50% capacity.’

Is there a goal?’




‘I would like to hit 80%.’




‘So you don’t envisage this going away and leaving you with 100% capacity?’




‘Second weird metaphor of the day. If we are talking about cars, then I am running on a quarter of a tank, and as the nights are still hard…’

R felt that we had broken through something, in that we’d spent the session talking about my communication.

‘Even though it began with me handing you a piece of paper?’

‘Don’t knock it. You’ve problem-solved that yourself. If you’d tried to express that verbally, we wouldn’t have got through half of it.’

Next session we are going to pick up and talk about crisis planning, and other people’s responses to my situation.




There was a slight scheduling snafu, but she is willing to shift some things around, and we will hopefully meet next Monday.




The words 'You are a priority' ring in my ears.
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