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Old 07-11-2018, 02:54 PM   #401
DP_2017
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I hate processing ****. I hate the limits of therapy. I wanna be able to talk to you when the desire comes. So annoying.

Not sure a week from now any of this will matter anymore.
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Old 07-11-2018, 03:28 PM   #402
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Default Re: Dear T: I Really Need to Tell You Something...Part XXXIII

Dear T,


I can't wait to see you tomorrow. I'm counting down the hours but also dreading the pain afterwards. I'm desperate to reconnect again after I felt so distant from you last time. The only way I know how to feel connected to you is by seeing the worry on your face.



Possible trigger:
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Old 07-11-2018, 03:28 PM   #403
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I love you so much.
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Old 07-11-2018, 03:32 PM   #404
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Never mind, just being pathetic.

Last edited by LonesomeTonight; 07-11-2018 at 05:24 PM..
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Old 07-11-2018, 04:08 PM   #405
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Quote:
Originally Posted by LonesomeTonight View Post
Hugs, that's scary...Do whatever you need (safely) to cope...

Quote:
Originally Posted by unaluna View Post
Oh butterfly, do be careful - xanax can get very possessive and not like to let go
Thank you both. I've been playing silly games to distract myself mostly. Pdoc says I can take up to 1.5 mg of Xanax a day and I've only taken 0.5 mg today and it's already 4 PM so I'm within my limit. I'll be okay.
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Old 07-11-2018, 05:18 PM   #406
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*inarticulate howl*
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Old 07-11-2018, 06:32 PM   #407
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I'm trying not to listen to that voice that wants me to go to the dark side and to ascribe dark intentions to things I say/do. In the past few weeks, I felt that you kind of knew what I told you today, and the shame/guilt resulting from you learning who the real me is, or at least how the real me feels and thinks, spurned my disclosure.



About the movie incident and about my perceptions of what happened when I went to get my hair done, both disclosures were totally humiliating, as well. I feel really exposed. I know the therapist you, but I don't know if you go home or talk to coworkers and say, What a looney tune. I hope the real you doesn't think that.



But I don't think you are judging me. I think I am okay. I think we are okay.



Thank you for being so consistent, kind, empathic, and accepting.
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Old 07-11-2018, 06:35 PM   #408
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I blame my emailing you on being shook up from the accident. Sending the email let me feel the comforting connection with you more strongly than just holding my little owl. It hasn't quite been 3 weeks yet since we ended. I'll explain this when I call you later in the week.

I heart you.
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Old 07-11-2018, 06:48 PM   #409
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When I talked about my dream, I was so upset that my hands were shaking. And when I held them together then sat on them and said, "My hands are shaking," you asked "What is going on for you right now? What are you (feeling? experiencing? something like that)?"

For a very brief moment, I considered saying what I was really feeling: I just want to curl up on the floor and cry forever.

What would you have said? There's not really anything to say to that, is there? Instead, I took some deep breaths and I strung together some words that sort of made sense, and redirected into something that was more coherent and less vulnerable, less raw.
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Old 07-11-2018, 07:12 PM   #410
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Apparently there is something worse than not hearing from you while you're on vacation: hearing from you, but it being haphazardly written with "I'm not sure what to say about that" in the response. Ouch. I won't be emailing again, that's for sure. Bye.
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