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Old 05-18-2018, 07:19 AM   #1
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Default My T was suntanned and now I feel worthless!

My T and I are both Scandinavians and during just one week of summer weather, from when I saw her last, my T came to session very nicely suntanned! We also live in the same town so in theory I had the same chance to be out in the sun.

But! And this is what makes me feel worthless is that I, even if she doesnīt tell me those things, understand she had been either on a boat or in a summer house with a garden or somewhere similar where one can just spend all day in the sun together with friends or family.

Itīs not that I would want to know what she actually did, itīs enough to see her that way. But it makes me feel like a real loser, I live alone, I donīt have a boat, nor a summer house and I donīt have a family to spend time together with.

So itīs not just the actual sunburn per se but whatīs connected to it. I can also imagine that she do some kind of exercise, like running in the sun as her suntan was very even.

As Iīm in a low mood/depressed I donīt do that kind of stuff and everywhere there are reminders of what a loser I am.

I donīt want to show this envy openly to my T as sheīs so kind and would never brag or even mention what she has been doing during a weekend or similar. Itīs just me adding one plus one and as I know sheīs married and where she lives and it tells me those things about boats, summer houses and such.

Can anybody understand or relate to this?
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Old 05-18-2018, 07:48 AM   #2
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Default Re: My T was suntanned and now I feel worthless!

I think I understand, but: Could she have gone to one of those spray tan places (they're very popular here) or used self-tanning lotion? I have fair skin and certainly wouldn't be suntanned in just a week somewhere (if I was in the sun that much, I'd be more burned than tan). So she probably used some other means.
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Old 05-18-2018, 07:51 AM   #3
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Default Re: My T was suntanned and now I feel worthless!

I can relate to parts of this. I imagine my therapist has a charmed life which is full of movement and friends and outdoor life. It's hard because I know it's true, at least in part. I feel slow and alone in comparison which only feeds into the power imbalance. I wouldn't want to be a part of her life, but I suppose the problem is that I am not sure that I want to be a part of my own life.
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Old 05-18-2018, 08:13 AM   #4
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Default Re: My T was suntanned and now I feel worthless!

Maybe she went to a tanning booth?
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Old 05-18-2018, 08:22 AM   #5
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Default Re: My T was suntanned and now I feel worthless!

I understand the feeling of envy, and how powerful and unpleasant it can be.

Aristotle had a very good perspective on envy, I think. He had previously identified the motive/impulse or feeling of "emulation". Which makes a lot of sense -- people see what others do or have and if it seems good we do or try to get the same things. Lots of times that works out well.

But, Aristotle said that if a person can NOT, for whatever reason, emulate the other -- if they don't have the resources or the situation, or lots of whatevers -- then the feeling of envy results.

So, basically it's 2 impulses -- emulation, which can be a positive thing. And stopping or inhibiting the impulse to emulate when realistically it is impossible for you to do. Which is good not to try to do something which you can't, if you don't have the things that you mentioned.

Is there anything, though, which her suntan means to you that you think you can and might add more of to your life? Just being out of doors, maybe, walking in a park or by the seashore, enjoying nature?

I do understand how much you would like more friends and family in your life, too. That seems like a long-term goal, though not impossible, though I suspect it seems kind like that right now? Is there anything that you can talk to your therapist about that, how you would like to have more people in your life? Although I suspect you already have.
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Old 05-18-2018, 08:31 AM   #6
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Default Re: My T was suntanned and now I feel worthless!

Thanks. Yes, perhaps, it was a very even suntan so not one where you like sit in a deck chair and gets suntanned on just one side of the body. She doesnīt seem to be that type of person though but one never knows. I agree, I couldnīt get such a suntan even if I had access to a boat or a summer house, I now mean during just one week.

Also, she has worked for most of those days, she wasnīt on holiday.

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Originally Posted by LonesomeTonight View Post
I think I understand, but: Could she have gone to one of those spray tan places (they're very popular here) or used self-tanning lotion? I have fair skin and certainly wouldn't be suntanned in just a week somewhere (if I was in the sun that much, I'd be more burned than tan). So she probably used some other means.
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Old 05-18-2018, 08:33 AM   #7
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Default Re: My T was suntanned and now I feel worthless!

Thanks. Yes, but as the "sunbeams" are so strong in a tanning booth Iīm a bit hesitant if she could spend so much time in a tanning booth during just one week and get such a suntan. It seems almost unhealthy if so. But perhaps, yes.

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Maybe she went to a tanning booth?
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Old 05-18-2018, 08:45 AM   #8
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Default Re: My T was suntanned and now I feel worthless!

Thanks. That was a good quote, it is at it says that as long as one could get what another person has, like my T:s suntan, it doesnīt lead to envy but as one canīt get what another person has, it creates the envy.

I could go out more, putting on short shorts and tank top and then "force" myself to walk in the sun. I think thatīs the most effective way to get a suntan if one doesnīt have access to a boat or a summer house. But for me getting such a suntan, (if my T doesnīt have a fake one), would take a very long time and I canīt stand the heat that well. I bought some betacarotene pills that should add a little to oneīs skin tone.

Yes, Iīve talked to her about loneliness and my feeling of being outside society and that works fine, I feel supported by her. But I at the same time understands she lives a very different life from mine and seeing her suntan was kind of a very obvious proof of that.

Some have suggested she perhaps got a fake tan, she doesnīt seem to be into such things, but Iīll also see next time. A spray tan doesnīt stay for long and neither do different kinds of bronze creams.

I could perhaps mention this in more general terms like "now when I walked to your office I saw a lot of suntanned people and that makes me feel like a loser". But the risk is she'll connect that to herself anyway as she obviously has made an effort to get so suntanned.

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I understand the feeling of envy, and how powerful and unpleasant it can be.

Aristotle had a very good perspective on envy, I think. He had previously identified the motive/impulse or feeling of "emulation". Which makes a lot of sense -- people see what others do or have and if it seems good we do or try to get the same things. Lots of times that works out well.

But, Aristotle said that if a person can NOT, for whatever reason, emulate the other -- if they don't have the resources or the situation, or lots of whatevers -- then the feeling of envy results.

So, basically it's 2 impulses -- emulation, which can be a positive thing. And stopping or inhibiting the impulse to emulate when realistically it is impossible for you to do. Which is good not to try to do something which you can't, if you don't have the things that you mentioned.

Is there anything, though, which her suntan means to you that you think you can and might add more of to your life? Just being out of doors, maybe, walking in a park or by the seashore, enjoying nature?

I do understand how much you would like more friends and family in your life, too. That seems like a long-term goal, though not impossible, though I suspect it seems kind like that right now? Is there anything that you can talk to your therapist about that, how you would like to have more people in your life? Although I suspect you already have.
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Old 05-18-2018, 09:29 AM   #9
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Default Re: My T was suntanned and now I feel worthless!

I understand how you feel. I don't have any advice but I feel you because I'm in a similar position.
I know this isn't really about the tan and if she got it naturally or artificially. Your point is that it felt hurtful because it reminded you of your situation.
I hope you'll find a way to feel better, perhaps do some self care or some activity you enjoy? I've got used to going to cinema alone, as well as for walks in the nature. At first it feels weird but we need to remind ourselves we can enjoy many activities even alone.
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Old 05-18-2018, 11:00 AM   #10
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Default Re: My T was suntanned and now I feel worthless!

Quote:
Originally Posted by seeker33 View Post
I understand how you feel. I don't have any advice but I feel you because I'm in a similar position.
I know this isn't really about the tan and if she got it naturally or artificially. Your point is that it felt hurtful because it reminded you of your situation.
I hope you'll find a way to feel better, perhaps do some self care or some activity you enjoy? I've got used to going to cinema alone, as well as for walks in the nature. At first it feels weird but we need to remind ourselves we can enjoy many activities even alone.

I can relate to the over-arching issue here: envy. I think it's my own personal deadly sin!

I am not proud to admit that I was deeply jealous of a former T when she was getting married. She was preening and telling me about her beloved and I was GREEN with envy.

I can certainly relate to this !!!
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