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Unread 09-13-2017, 11:11 AM   #1
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Default Reasons for why people obsess about their T's

I keep hearing that the only reason people obsess with their T's is because they are in love with them. And of course we automatically believe that the only reason we would obsess about someone is because we have in love with them.

But could other reasons be that we are dependent on them for solving our problems? Or any other reasons?
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Unread 09-13-2017, 11:32 AM   #2
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Default Re: Reasons for why people obsess about their T's

I believe my obsessing with my T has more to do with wanting more of what she provides for me in my life and lacking stuff from my childhood. I don't want my T to be anything than what I see of her in those 4 walls of her office; which does include maternal transference. In one way, I do feel very dependent on her. I don't look for her to solve my problems.

I love her as a T for what she is providing for me. A part of me sees a part of her as mommy and in those moments I am most dependent on her. It is a longing and a need that seems so basic, so fundamental that I can't put words to it. I don't even really understand it because outside of those moments, I manage large IT projects with little to no problems. In those moments, I have felt things like
- tell me I did a good job picking out matching clothing
- I can't cross the road without her

It is changing for me. This last time when I was in one of these moments, I was walking to the store and I felt more like it was the first time mommy let me to go to the store on my own. I was a little scared because I didn't want to mess up and it is a big world, I was excited to be out on my own and that I was trusted to do an important task. All these feelings were with her in mind as mommy.

So, I am not in love with my T; however, love is a component of the extent she has permeated my daily life.

I hope this helps.
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Unread 09-13-2017, 12:00 PM   #3
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Default Re: Reasons for why people obsess about their T's

For a while thinking about my T took up the mental space and energy that would otherwise be taken up with dark, self-critical thoughts. I felt bad and weird about it until I talked to her about it and realized she didn't think it was creepy. I like the way she makes me feel, and at times I have focused on the idea of her as a way to keep those feelings alive outside of session. I'm not in love with her, although I do see her as a mother figure. I'm not dependent on her to solve my problems, but I do depend on the connection sometimes.
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Unread 09-13-2017, 12:23 PM   #4
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Default Re: Reasons for why people obsess about their T's

I don't know if I've ever considered my thoughts about my therapist in the obsession category--but I certainly think about him a fair amount outside of session. To me, the therapy relationship is an intimate one (albeit one sided and artificial), and as part of a relationship, you naturally want to get to know the other person. My therapist and I are in agreement over the merits of interpersonal psychology, so we're building a relationship, and for me, it's the relationship that helps heal. (He's literally the first person in my life who has ever validated or heard the stories of my childhood abuse, as I'm an only child.) I know some people develop romantic feelings for their therapist, and despite the fleeting times when I realize my therapist is quite handsome--I don't have an romantic feelings towards the man. I think one of the inequities of therapy is that the client has just one therapist (usually), but the therapist has many clients, so one person will naturally think a great deal more about the other in this relationship. I'm also a super observant and naturally curious person, so I've spent a fair amount of time (perhaps more than other patients) researching my therapist. I realize I do this partially to keep myself from getting hurt, to assure myself my therapist is a good a trustworthy person.

I also think Manatee has a good point here (Mantee for president! ) that those thoughts about the therapist can help displace negative or self destructive thoughts. I just realized how often I do that as well, for me, having that positive relationship as a compassionate witness helps validate, and not minimize, my own feelings and experience. (I have a tendency to tell myself and my feelings to shut up and suck it up.)
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Unread 09-13-2017, 12:34 PM   #5
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Default Re: Reasons for why people obsess about their T's

I don't feel like I'm in love with my therapist, but I do honestly love him. I feel like I have three fractured parts to me- two of which are children aged 3 and 7. When I know is when the abuse started. I see him more as a parental figure than a therapist. He provides me with something, I never really had as a child growing up= safety. When I'm with him, I don't feel like I'm waking on eggshells. I don't have to second guess what kind of mood he's in and I know he will never snap at me no matter how much I rage at him. He has only ever really shown kindness, so I do find it hard being away from him out of session. Like a child I just want him me to comfort me when I'm upset. I want him there with me. I try not to contact him out of session as much as I can usually just one message a week which we talk about next session.

I spent the majority of today in tears. He was the one I thought of not my real parents. I spent today reading his blog posts and going through his website and photos which I found. The only information I know about him are things I've seen online which would be available to anyone- but I do feel obsessive: I've seen his twitter, linkedin and facebook accounts. I clicked on his wife's profile when he'd tagged her in a photo. I wanted to see what the rest of his home looked like (he works from home) and not just feel like Peter Pan peeking through the living room, whilst I waited on his doorstep. When I first googled his address old estate agent photos came up.

I guess all of this is just because I want to feel closer to him.

Last edited by Lemoncake; 09-13-2017 at 12:49 PM.
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Unread 09-13-2017, 12:54 PM   #6
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Default Re: Reasons for why people obsess about their T's

In my experience, therapists manipulate emotions by appearing to care deeply about every client. That is very very addictive and seductive and spawns obsession. They are also secretive and that leads to obsessive rumination.
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Unread 09-13-2017, 01:45 PM   #7
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Default Re: Reasons for why people obsess about their T's

Yes, dependency is to me a big part of what kept me in therapy.

Unfortunately, the way I had developed into adulthood, I was very independent but disconnected from my emotions, so I wasn't really socially, emotionally "there" in lots of ways. That affected my ability to function well, too.

The artificial "intimacy" and feeling like I was "there" socially and emotionally for the therapists was definitely a big draw for me. But I had no way to really understand how artificial and potentially damaging those relationships could be until, finally, I DID get connected with those cut-off emotions.

Going through h**l with gobs of therapists for decades is a pretty poor way to do that, though. Would it have happened eventually with time and normal life? Maybe. A lot of feelings came through only AFTER some of the people died. In one case, the DAY after.
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Unread 09-13-2017, 01:45 PM   #8
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Default Re: Reasons for why people obsess about their T's

Quite interesting to hear these answers. I've never really felt in love with my T as well, but I have thought a lot about her. Unfourtunately as someone who has symptoms of Pure O OCD (one being the Relationship OCD kind) I kept dwelling on these thoughts and worrying that they will replace the love for the person I'm actually in love with! Which in turn made the thoughts about my T much worse.

And also because therapy is so intimate and I reveal so much it makes me kind of emotional and I get the urge to tell her absolutely everything about me. And yes, I am kind of dependent on her and immediately feel like running to her whenever there is a problem.
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Unread 09-13-2017, 02:45 PM   #9
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Default Re: Reasons for why people obsess about their T's

I'm not obsessed with my T but I am very attached to her and she is the person I want to talk to when I am struggling/upset etc. I think because I have told her things, and trusted her with stuff that I have never spoken about to anyone else in my whole life. I agree the relationship is A symmetrical.. I don't think she even cares about me to be honest, although I think she cares about helping me get to a good place as I pay her to do that. I used to think she cared about me as a person but that was when she used to say she was proud of me, I was doing well, say she was there outside of sessions if I needed her .. but she hasn't said any of those things for a while so it doesn't feel like she cares now. Having said that I overthink everything and get paranoid about a lot of things.
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Unread 09-13-2017, 03:29 PM   #10
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Default Re: Reasons for why people obsess about their T's

It doesn't just have to be about being "in love" with them. I have strong paternal transference for my marriage counselor. For whatever reason, he taps into stuff from childhood for me, like unmet needs and wants. There's a part of me that's like a little kid wanting to be around, to please, to be protected by, and to be cared for by him. Along with that comes fears of abandonment. I also have OCD, so I'm naturally obsessive about people and things.
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