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Unread 08-13-2017, 03:45 AM   #11
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Default Re: Done With T

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I found the therapy relationship had little connection to how interacted outside it. As a supplicant seeking some kind of vague enlightenment the therapist seemed to dose in tiny drops, it left me enfeebled, infantilized and adulating. They made the rules, owned the narrative and identified me as the defective in the presence of their powerful omniscience. I disrobed emotionally, they concealed. I thought I needed "something"; they pretended to sell it. They pretended to understand me--but didn't. There was no mutual flow or give and take. Every exchange was within the time-limited framework of an engineered structure. Whatever affection shown stopped when the money did.

My outside relationships were by no means perfect. I had many changes I needed to make. But nothing was as delusional, exploitative and unbalanced as this.


I know that the dynamic you describe is incredibly difficult, because I have been in therapeutic relationships like this. And while there was an inherent power differential between T and me, there was also a deep understanding on his part of me and he shared quite a bit with me as well. Too much at times, actually. One of his pitfalls. H also never owned the narrative. That's contrary to his practicing modality.

This is why I said in my initial post that I was looking for support. I'm terminating with a therapist who at one time was a wonderful match for me and I was able with him to do some good work. That's why I'm so heartbroken that it needed to end. It's different now, and we don't have enough time to fix it. I don't want to continue to try to invest time to fix it.
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Unread 08-13-2017, 05:14 AM   #12
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Default Re: Done With T

Seems like some people didn't notice that what Daisy asked for was support. Not yet another debate about therapy and whether it's helpful or harmful.

((Daisy)) that was a very well written and honest and clear message.

I really don't believe that you're beyond help or that any of this is your fault. RoboT just wasn't good enough for you. He couldn't help you because he wasn't the right therapist for you.

ETA: ...and I agree with others that you don't seem to be idealising or devaluing here. You seem to be being very rational - recognising the good and bad points of the relationship and the help you have received but concluding that it's not the right thing for you. Whether you have BPD or not, it's impressive that you're doing that.
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Unread 08-13-2017, 05:35 AM   #13
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Seems like some people didn't notice that what Daisy asked for was support. Not yet another debate about therapy and whether it's helpful or harmful.



((Daisy)) that was a very well written and honest and clear message.



I really don't believe that you're beyond help or that any of this is your fault. RoboT just wasn't good enough for you. He couldn't help you because he wasn't the right therapist for you.



ETA: ...and I agree with others that you don't seem to be idealising or devaluing here. You seem to be being very rational - recognising the good and bad points of the relationship and the help you have received but concluding that it's not the right thing for you. Whether you have BPD or not, it's impressive that you're doing that.


Thanks, luc. Sigh. I don't agree with you that it's all his fault, though.
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Unread 08-13-2017, 05:54 AM   #14
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Thanks, luc. Sigh. I don't agree with you that it's all his fault, though.
I didn't necessarily say that it's all his fault! Although my personal opinion is that he's not a very good therapist (though as I said to you, I don't see my opinion as particularly relevant here)... His approach might work great for some people. It just wasn't right for you. So in that sense it isn't anyone's 'fault'.

I just really don't want you to beat yourself up over this, I guess. I really think you're handling it so well despite the pain it is causing you. I suppose that's why people think you're coping so well...

I relate, though. I was thinking about how I will feel if I leave my T... and the answer was, I will feel like a failure, like I'm broken and beyond help. So... The same as you. I think that comes from somewhere deep inside us.
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Unread 08-13-2017, 06:33 AM   #15
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I guess I've always conceptualized diagnosis in a way where it helps to makes sense of all of the internal strife. But you're right. There's really no need to cling to a diagnosis, save if I were to start exploring starting to take psychotropic medications again. I'm considering it.

Thank you for asking about support from T. I honestly don't think there's anything to gain there. I said to him today how hurt I was a couple of weeks ago when I felt that he wanted to be rid of me, and his response was to express his frustrations in my treatment. Anything that he says now...I probably wouldn't believe him.
Geez. Are you and I twins? Because this is me exactly. The only difference is I mailed my termination letter and didn't ask for referrals.
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Unread 08-13-2017, 06:37 AM   #16
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Geez. Are you and I twins? Because this is me exactly, although I mailed my termination letter and didn't ask for referrals.

I figured since one of the ways he's pushed me away is the future promise of good referrals, I might as well take him up on it.
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Unread 08-13-2017, 06:38 AM   #17
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I figured since one of the ways he's pushed me away is the future promise of good referrals, I might as well take him up on it.
Are you gonna trust his referrals though, given that you've lost your trust in him? Might it be better to look for a new T with no relation to him?
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Unread 08-13-2017, 06:41 AM   #18
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I know that the dynamic you describe is incredibly difficult, because I have been in therapeutic relationships like this. And while there was an inherent power differential between T and me, there was also a deep understanding on his part of me and he shared quite a bit with me as well. Too much at times, actually. One of his pitfalls. H also never owned the narrative. That's contrary to his practicing modality.

This is why I said in my initial post that I was looking for support. I'm terminating with a therapist who at one time was a wonderful match for me and I was able with him to do some good work. That's why I'm so heartbroken that it needed to end. It's different now, and we don't have enough time to fix it. I don't want to continue to try to invest time to fix it.
This is exactly my situation is well. I find it remarkably strange, reluctantly, how something that once worked so well can devolve- or even plummet- to something unsalvageable and what looks to be completely foreign, in the end.

Heartbroken. As am I. You have something I don't encompass and which I commend you for...you could terminate your T relationship, not having to block the person out, worried you may not be able to leave. My heart goes out to you.

You're self-aware enough to know this doesn't work for you. There is growth in that and in your reply. I have found the regulating my emotions is by only going through them. I get stronger with each heartbreak and this too, will be in your favor. It will serve you.

To walk away from this is very hard, I know...especially being attached. I hope you're not in too much pain, but just know someone out there completely gets everything you're saying.
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Unread 08-13-2017, 06:44 AM   #19
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Default Re: Done With T

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I figured since one of the ways he's pushed me away is the future promise of good referrals, I might as well take him up on it.
Do you think this is punishment for him? From you? No judgements if it is. Just curious.

My T once did this, although in a different way. My instinctual reaction was, "Is she trying to push me to show her I can do this?"

I have BPD. I've slowly grown past its symptoms with age. Or experience. I surmise I'll always be challenged by it, but I don't fall for the stories online that say you can never heal from it.
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Unread 08-13-2017, 06:51 AM   #20
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Default Re: Done With T

Yes, asking for referrals was 100% motivated by a desire to rub his nose in it. I want him to know that I am not interested in returning because of how badly he's hurt me.

I know this sounds like sarcasm or that I'm being flippant but I'm so serious.
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