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Old 03-03-2019, 12:12 AM #1
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Default Avoiding. Breaking. Captive.

I'm struggling now like I've struggled before. But I go into therapy and say everything is fine. I dont lie exactly. I just focus on the good things and minimize the bad and ignore the real problems. And I don't know how to stop. And I dont know how to get the help I need.
I'm smart. I'm capable. I work full time and am in grad school. I could be on top of things. But I ignore them instead. I ignore my meds and they run out. Or I forget to take them. But, of course, I don't talk about that either. I'm not trying to seek attention or be bad. I know I could fix it. But I dont. And I know that's bad. I do. But it doesn't change what I do.
I'm starting a spiral again. And I dont know what to do to break the cycle. I'm supposed to break free of these memories that are holding me captive but I don't know how.
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Old 03-03-2019, 01:42 AM #2
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Default Re: Avoiding. Breaking. Captive.

I get it. I do the same in therapy. It's hard for me because it feels like I'll lose control if I open up about it. As dysfunctional as the cycle is, it's how we survive and do amazing things like grad school.
I've recently experienced a "bottom" of my spiral, and am forced to face the reality that my way doesn't work anymore.
Don't let yourself have to hit a bottom. Your recognizing it. Talk to your therapist and tell them you are coming in saying everything is fine when it's not. They probably already know this anyway and are just waiting for you. I wish you luck!
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Old 03-03-2019, 03:04 PM #3
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Default Re: Avoiding. Breaking. Captive.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Nemo1934 View Post
I get it. I do the same in therapy. It's hard for me because it feels like I'll lose control if I open up about it. As dysfunctional as the cycle is, it's how we survive and do amazing things like grad school.
I've recently experienced a "bottom" of my spiral, and am forced to face the reality that my way doesn't work anymore.
Don't let yourself have to hit a bottom. Your recognizing it. Talk to your therapist and tell them you are coming in saying everything is fine when it's not. They probably already know this anyway and are just waiting for you. I wish you luck!
Thanks nemo.
I too have hit bottom before, but I've always come back because we csn always come back. And each time I go higher. And each subsequent time I spiral it is less far.
I'm sort you are hurtling, but you can do this. I know you can.
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Old 03-03-2019, 06:08 PM #4
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Default Re: Avoiding. Breaking. Captive.

Are you afraid to love yourself unconditionally? Often that is what PTSD can interfere with, it's not just trust in others but trust in self that's affected.
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Old 03-03-2019, 09:31 PM #5
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Open Eyes View Post
Are you afraid to love yourself unconditionally? Often that is what PTSD can interfere with, it's not just trust in others but trust in self that's affected.
Well, my normal answer is no because that's the "right" answer. But to be honest, that's a huge problem for me. And it's gotten better - a lot better - but it's still a really big problem. I used to bro trust anything i thought or believed or remembered. Now my lack of trust is less intrusive - more questioning the facts of different abuse memories, different childhood memories...
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Old 03-03-2019, 10:39 PM #6
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Default Re: Avoiding. Breaking. Captive.

I think there can be a tendency to get self critical and I also think that someone struggling and trying very hard can experience a time period where there might be a feeling of gaining on the challenge and then something can trigger bringing on once again a period of self doubt, even at times self loathing for not progressing as was desired.

Patience with self is extremely important. If I am finding I am getting triggered I have learned to step back from whatever it is and give myself time to recover myself.
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Old 03-04-2019, 04:02 PM #7
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Default Re: Avoiding. Breaking. Captive.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Silent_Tears_17 View Post
I'm struggling now like I've struggled before. But I go into therapy and say everything is fine. I dont lie exactly. I just focus on the good things and minimize the bad and ignore the real problems. And I don't know how to stop. And I dont know how to get the help I need.
I'm smart. I'm capable. I work full time and am in grad school. I could be on top of things. But I ignore them instead. I ignore my meds and they run out. Or I forget to take them. But, of course, I don't talk about that either. I'm not trying to seek attention or be bad. I know I could fix it. But I dont. And I know that's bad. I do. But it doesn't change what I do.
I'm starting a spiral again. And I dont know what to do to break the cycle. I'm supposed to break free of these memories that are holding me captive but I don't know how.
Hi Silent_Tears,

I empathize greatly with your suffering! It is SO frustrating when we are held down by our trauma. Even after 6 months of normalcy - a single trigger can bring back all the trauma. Memories, the body sensations, the flashbacks, the physiological pain, the anguish, the anger, the fear, the sadness, the injustice and lack of accountability, lack of faith in humanity, the isolation!

Spending time identifying the triggers and avoiding them doesn't help, because I can be triggered by things that aren't in my control. Having all the coping mechanisms in place for when I am re traumatized doesn't really fix the problem, it just makes it tolerable.

And I think that is the trick with trauma.

It never goes away, it just becomes more tolerable. That is our burden. We have to learn to integrate our trauma into our lives. What that looks like is different for everyone.

What does that look like for you?

We will never be cured, but we can heal.

Thanks,
HD7970ghz
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Old 03-28-2019, 09:43 PM #8
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Old 04-05-2019, 07:32 AM #9
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Default Re: Avoiding. Breaking. Captive.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Silent_Tears_17 View Post
I'm struggling now like I've struggled before. But I go into therapy and say everything is fine. I dont lie exactly. I just focus on the good things and minimize the bad and ignore the real problems. And I don't know how to stop. And I dont know how to get the help I need.
I'm smart. I'm capable. I work full time and am in grad school. I could be on top of things. But I ignore them instead. I ignore my meds and they run out. Or I forget to take them. But, of course, I don't talk about that either. I'm not trying to seek attention or be bad. I know I could fix it. But I dont. And I know that's bad. I do. But it doesn't change what I do.
I'm starting a spiral again. And I dont know what to do to break the cycle. I'm supposed to break free of these memories that are holding me captive but I don't know how.
Hi Silent Tears,

I re-read your post with a different pair of eyes. The bold states that you go into therapy knowing what the deeper issues are, but that you refuse to talk about them. Your plight is in how you can go about changing that as you feel you're not changing the way you would like.

The first step to changing that is being self aware of it - which you are. (Pat yourself on the back because this is often times the hardest part). The next step is to stop doing it, however, if you feel there are obstacles in the way, the best way to navigate the problem is to ask yourself why you don't just do it.

First thing is to rid yourself of shame surrounding this. It is absolutely normal for those of us in therapy to have walls up to protect ourselves. Not everyone needs to share everything in therapy to move forward, but if you feel compelled to do so - I would suggest asking yourself honestly why you don't want to share those things.

Is it trust issues? Is it that they are too painful? That you feel you aren't ready? That you are scared of change?

Many different hypothetical scenarios.

I hope this helps and I am curious what you think the reasons are for avoiding bringing up these issues in therapy. \

Thanks,
HD7970ghz
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"stand for those who are forgotten - sacrifice for those who forget"
"roller coasters not only go up and down - they also go in circles"
"the point of therapy - is to get out of therapy"
"don't put all your eggs - in one basket"
"promote pleasure - prevent pain"
"with change - comes loss"
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Old 04-11-2019, 06:45 PM #10
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