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Old 12-23-2018, 05:31 AM   #1
Só leigheas
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Trig The Truth

I'm not really sleeping, but sleeping is all I want to do. I wake up jumpy or so lost in negative feelings that I can't escape.

I opened up about something recently. I admitted that I've been abused. I thought I had admitted it before but... I don't know, maybe I'll go right back into denial. For now I'm sober, which means I have to actually deal with these feelings. Anger seems to be the most prominent, followed by disgust and deep sadness that won't lift. I figured I'll try to write things out here, though my memory is limited because of DID.

Triggering Below

I'll talk about the abuse from family later, for now I'm going to talk about what happened when I was eight. I was playing with tonka toys in the woods next to my house. I could still see my dogs, so I figured I'd be fine. Mom and dad were passed out from another night of hard drinking. So I was alone because... well I was almost always alone.

That's when he came. My neighbor tapped my shoulder, I didn't hear him approach really because I was so into my little game. I jumped and whirled around. He grabbed my wrist and then just stared into my eyes. This is when I got scared, really ****ing scared. There was something wrong with his eyes. They weren't human. They were wild and had a deep darkness to them. Oddly enough, that's what I remember the most. His eyes. I tried to get away, tried like hell, but his grip on my wrist was too tight. He pulled me to the ground.

I won't discuss details any further because I just can't. In short, he raped me. That's the first time I remember typing that. It's a really difficult thing for me to admit. Makes me feel defenseless and weak. I feel like a damn child half the time. That's why I'm starting this thread. This thread is so I can discuss things that happened that I can't hardly admit to myself.

I'll try not to delete this, this time. Thanks for reading if you did. I just don't want to feel so alone anymore.
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Old 12-24-2018, 12:15 AM   #2
HopefullyLost1211
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[QUOTE=Só leigheas;6375551]

I am so sorry that happened to you Só leigheas. It was not your fault. You deserved peace and safety and love that day just as much as you do now. I have not experienced rape but several friends shared their stories with me. And of course, I realize that every survivor's story is unique.

I think that sharing your truth, when you feel ready and able, could be an important part of healing. Thank you for sharing your truth here on PC. If you change your mind about being open, that is okay too. You set your own time, pacing, and method for healing. Can you trust this information with a therapist for 1:1 support?

It is okay to "feel like a child half the time." I would think maybe your frightened inner child is communicating with your adult self...asking for your help. No shame in that.

You are not alone though I understand why you feel that way. I admire your courage and ability to survive through harrowing circumstances.

Again, I am so very sorry that happened to you
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Old 12-24-2018, 12:23 AM   #3
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Does anyone in your non-PC life know that information? Anyone you could trust? Peace and love and healing and hope to you.
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Old 12-24-2018, 08:49 AM   #4
Só leigheas
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Quote:
Originally Posted by HopefullyLost1211 View Post
Does anyone in your non-PC life know that information? Anyone you could trust? Peace and love and healing and hope to you.
A few people do. Only my T knows details though.
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Old 12-24-2018, 09:13 AM   #5
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Default Re: The Truth

A while back (not sure when or if it was a posting or pm, we have been "talking" on and off since June 2016) you said you were raped but I had no idea how young you were when it happened. You shouldn't be ashamed. I hope talking about this will help eventually help (though it must be h*** to talk about). Thinking of you and, as always, you are in my prayers).
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Old 12-24-2018, 12:27 PM   #6
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Originally Posted by Só leigheas View Post
A few people do. Only my T knows details though.
For what it's worth, I am proud of you for sharing your truth with a few folks and for trying therapy. I cannot possibly know how you feel but I imagine it must be so tough to walk around in your shoes. I hope folks respond to you with gentle compassion and dignity. Hope your T is a great one!!!

Take good care of yourself, Só leigheas You deserve it!
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Old 12-27-2018, 05:59 AM   #7
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I'm so sorry Só!
Sharing this "aloud" is a huge accomplishment and a step forward! Although the topic is immensely hurtful, I'm glad that you're courageously on your path to healing.
Hugs and love to you.
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