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Old 02-02-2019, 09:15 PM   #1
iliketherain
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My Mood: Please Help: Should I be worried for the safety of myself or the safety of others?

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Default Please Help: Should I be worried for the safety of myself or the safety of others?

Warning: this posts contains many “triggers”, including stalking, violence, sexual abuse, crystal meth, gas-lighting, and psychological abuse. This post is also EXTREMELY long, however, I tried to condense it down as much as possible, while retaining the information necessary to fully understand the nature of these events. Thank you so much for any help you can provide.

In brief, I am trying to end a 1.5 year relationship with a guy who may be a dangerous psychopath. I met this guy in August of 2017 and so many crazy things have happened since then.

To start off, I met this guy through another guy I was an acquaintance if, after moving to a new place on a break (that ended with a break-up), following a 5 year relationship. The guy I was acquaintances of knew my neighbor and ended up hanging out with me a few times. One night he stayed late at my apartment and I ended up sleeping with him, due to the fact that I have trouble saying “no” to sex, even when I don’t want to, due to sexual abuse I experienced as a child.

After this, the “acquantance” invited my neighbor and I to a concert, as well as the original guy I mentioned in the beginning of this post. I will refer to the new guy as Matt from this point on. When I first met Matt, I thought he was delightful! In fact, I thought he was gay due to the way he presented himself (and modified his voice, speech patterns, and gestures) to appear so. What was super odd, is that the acquaintance (I’ll call him Tom) also vaguely alluded to the fact that he was gay, so I absolutely assumed Matt was.

Being that I was honestly looking for friends, and not new sexual partners, I immediately took a liking to Matt. We started hanging out every so often after the concert, but since I really do have trouble saying “no” and setting boundaries, Tom became very angry about this. Tom was a guy who seemed laid-back and humerus, but as I came to find out, he was actually quite aggressive, entitled, and dangerous, also. Tom stayed at my apartment every so often, simply because I had trouble telling him he couldn’t - although I repeatedly told him I wasn’t looking for a relationship and just needed “friends.”

Tom and Matt both said they understood and wanted to be my friends, as well, but then their behavior began to change. Matt (the new guy) started leaving “care packages” on my car, containing snacks or energy drinks, very soon after meeting him. Tom also we asked his way into spending the night at my apartment during this time and ended up finding the care packages with me when I went to work. At first, I figured Matt was gay, but was also lonely, insecure, and looking for a friend. Tom did not act like this behavior was as harmless, and became obviously angry and jealous when Matt did this. He told me that I shouldn’t trust Matt and that he “knew he’d do this again”, but left it at that.

One day I ended up hanging out with both of them and figured that was okay, since they’d been close friends since high school (or so they said). At some point that evening, Tom started looking angrier and angrier and eventually confronted Matt in front of me, and mentioned a “hard-drive.” As more time passed and I leaned more about these 2, I found out this hard-drive contained nude photos of girls they knew that they had obtained from the girls themselves or had stolen of their mutual “friends’” girlfriends. Although Tom was essentially threatening blackmail, he had participated in this stolen photo exchange with Matt. At this point, I had come right out and asked Matt if he was actually gay, and he told me he was confused and didn’t have a lot of experience with women. For some reason, I trusted him way more than Tom, at first, and somehow didn’t see this photo ordeal as a major “red flag” (I know and I am sorry because this was horrible for any of the women who unknowingly had their photos traded).

Flash forward: Matt started offering me prescription stimulants, like Adderrall, and because I thought Matt was a “good guy” and I had a few friends who took Adderrall in college, I thought it was not the worst decision I could make. At first, we just took this occasionally on the weekends, hung out, talked, laughed, and avoided Tom (because Matt knew I didn’t want to sleep with him but had problems saying “no”). I thought I had made a great new friend, who although dark, dangerous, and disheveled, was a good person.

Fast forward again: Matt talked me into trying crystal meth. I had never tried meth before and nor did I ever want to, but when Matt began the process of convincing me to try it, he had already gathered enough info to manipulate me into thinking it was safe, not addictive, and that it had been depicted in a similar way to marijuana during the “reefer madness” scare and crack in the 1980s. Since I have major codependency issues and wanted someone to enmesh myself with, after my breakup, I believed him. In fact, I even looked up articles online, trying to determine the truth to what Matt was saying about meth.

Ultimately, I just didn’t want to be alone, wanted to believe Matt’s “facts” about meth, and, in some ways, wanted to have a slightly “dangerous experience” to signify the end of my last relationship. So I tried it at the end of September and didn’t get addicted.

Then I tried it again in October and basically spent a whole month binging on this drug with Matt. At first, I didn’t even notice what was happening. This drug allowed me to open up about my feelings and talk way more than normal. During this month, I told Matt my entire life story. It was like a dream - I had a friend that actually listened to me whenever I spoke, said all of the right things, and seemed to think I deserved better than my previous long-term relationships, which were fairly abusive. It wasn’t until I had my first psychotic episode that things became extremely frightening.

During this month-long binge, I didn’t sleep almost at all. There were maybe a few days that I didn’t do meth. I also didn’t even notice that a couple of days into this binge, Matt started going to sleep earlier and earlier after having done meth with me and just left me awake. I later realized that he had already had a major tolerance and had been addicted for a couple of years. Of course I was stupid enough to believe him when he said that he wasn’t addicted and didn’t do it that often - he just didn’t do it in front of me that often.

When Matt was sleeping in my place, I would either clean, unpack more stuff, or read psychology articles online. I also worked full-time during this time, but didn’t have any major problems at work for a long time. It wasn’t until my longest binge without sleep in October, that I became psychotic. At the end of this binge, I came home from work (Matt was sleeping in my apartment) and found Tom outside. He was clearly upset and told me he had just gotten back from visiting a different date and had been extremely depressed. I could tell he was upset that I hadn’t been talking to him as often and was likely jealous of mine and Matt’s relationship. Although I was clearly super strung out when we spoke, Tom didn’t know about Matt’s crystal meth habit and didn’t appear to even notice how out of it I was acting.

I managed to get away from Tom and get inside my place without him also getting in. As he was leaving, he asked if Matt was in my place. Since I was already a little paranoid about him finding out about meth (Matt had warned me people would “judge” me and wouldn’t understand, if they knew), I lied and said no. Tom looked at me suspiciously, but left. A little while later, he started beating on my door and yelling about Matt being there. He also said stuff like, “he’s a dangerous psycho”, which I chalked up to his jealousy, until later that night.

I had planned on finally getting some sleep, but I got a message from a friend who was coming to visit from out of town. Since I hadn’t gotten to see her in awhile, I asked Matt if we could get some more meth so I could stay awake and be functional while I saw her. He clearly did not want to do this, even though I offered to pay. I felt guilty then, like I was keeping him from sleeping, but I later realized he wanted to control when I used meth. He ended up reluctantly getting hit, did some with me, hung out with me and my friend for awhile, and then went back to sleep.

My neighbor ended up stopping by and played a card game with us. This guy had recently undergone a giant break-up with a girl, who he had openly spoken about struggling with crystal meth addiction. Once my friend from out of town went back to get parents’, I ended up confessing what I had been doing to my neighbor, as I had become increasingly freaked out as he spoke about it again that night. I kept thinking, “Am I addicted? Did Matt lie?”

When I told my neighbor, he flipped. He suggested that I get Matt out of my place and tell him I needed to stop using meth or having it around. My neighbor stayed up with me in his apartment until Matt would be waking up for work. I had made a plan with my neighbor for confronting Matt and when down there to do so. My apartment door was unlocked and Matt was gone. I became increasingly more freaked out. Just as I was about to lock my apartment and go to sleep, Matt walked back into my apartment with the most black and unemotional eyes I have ever seen. He said to me, “I thought you were going to come to sleep with me.”

I became increasingly more alarmed. I explained to Matt what had happened and how I had spoken to my neighbor and realized I actually was developing a problem with meth. As I was trying to explain, I couldn’t help but become more alarmed about Matt’s eyes and lack of emotional response. I was so freaked out when I finished talking that I basically asked his permission to quit using. Instead of answering, he repeated, “I thought you were going to come back to bed with me.”

At this, I lost it. I was terrified. I thought to myself, “holy s**t, this guy was trying to get you addicted to crystal meth. What is going on?” The pain I felt at this realization was immense. I realized Matt had groomed me into getting addicted and had never cared about me at all. I sobbed and begged him to leave. He sorta hissed at me and left for work black, dead eyes and all.

I went back to my neighbors apartment after he left and told him what had happened. He was very alarmed at Matt’s behavior, but justified it with stuff about how “this is just what that drug does to you”, etc. I was terrified of Matt. He started calling me at about 10 AM on Day 6 of no sleep, and called at least 30 or 40 times. As my neighbor and I sat through the calls, I absolutely panicked. Eventually my neighbor got on FB and messaged him for me, telling Matt’s I needed to “take a break.” Matt said he understood and would give me some space.

I was so terrified that I still was not able to go to sleep by about noon. My neighbor was an insomniac, so he stayed awake with me. Eventually I ran out of cigarettes and asked my neighbor if he’d go with me to a gas station. I was terrified of goin anywhere by myself at that point. My neighbor said he didn’t feel like it and because I knew I was likely a becoming a burden on him by this point, I didn’t say anything. I walked down to my apartment to grab my wallet. When I got there, my heart started racing; remembering the events of that morning. Normally if I needed someone to talk to, I would’ve called Matt, but all things considered, this was obviously not an option. I searched through my phone for someone (anyone) to call, but the only other person I felt like I could confide in was, Tom. Tom had been the one who introduced me to Matt, after all, as well as told me he was a “psycho”, as well as his friend since high school. I should’ve known these conflicting details about Matt was indicative of a major problem with Tom.

Tom answered immediately when I called. Upon hearing a familiar voice, I broke down. I told him about Matt’s meth use, how I had started using it, how Matt had reacted that morning, and about the romantic relationship that had started developing between us during my time with him on meth. I told Tom I was going to go to a store to buy some cigarettes, but he offered to come and drive me. I had basically forgotten Tom’s alarming behavior early on, at this point.

When Tom shows up, I got in his car and started sobbing. I thought Tom was crying too, but I think he was fake crying to seem a certain way. On our drive back from the gas station, Matt started calling me over and over. I was terrified and showed Tom. As we were pulling in, we saw Matt peeling by the building. He began calling again. Tom answered my phone and told Matt he needed to leave and leave me alone, or we would have to call the police. Matt hung up the phone on him. A few minutes later, Tom and I received the same text - it was a copy of a text I had sent Matt the afternoon before, asking to buy meth.

I was physically abused as a child and if I feel in danger enough, I will essentially flip and act insane as a defense mechanism. When I saw this text, I went into a rage, called Tom, and began yelling at him. I am not even sure what I yelled - something about involving the police if he came back and not to threaten me. Then I heard his response, and although I don’t remember exactly what he said, I know it matched his terrifying eyes from earlier that morning. When I heard him, I threw my phone down and started screaming. Tom looked super freaked out, but tried staying calm. Almost instantly, Matt started calling him. Tom answered and repeated the police waning. Then he hung up.

I cried for hours after this, with Tom in my apartment. I didn’t realize it then, but there was never an emotional response in Tom’s eyes when I spoke about the pain I was experiencing. I had sincerely believed Matt was my friend, that our experiences in meth weren’t just “being high”, that he actually cared about me and understood me, and worst of all, he had helped me believe I had some worth, which was something I had struggled with throughout my life, but particularly after my last long-term relationship. When I realized Matt was lying, manipulating, using, and tricking me, it put me in an even worse spot than I had been in when I moved into my new place. I now believed I was only told any of the positive things by Matt to groom me (which was true), but instead of deciding to know I was worthy of love (despite what Matt has said and done), I totally lost the last bit of hope I had for myself and my life.

Tom reassured me and somehow I calmed down a bit. Tom insisted that I should stay at my own place and told me he would stay on my couch. He said I shouldn’t have to run from where I live. Of course, I thought he was sincere.

Day 6 was the longest day of all of my binges, but gradually it became night time. I was almost ready to go to bed, when I looked out my apartment widow. There was Matt.

He was sitting at a patio table in direct view of my window, editing a photo on his phone. His facial expression and body language came across as both sneering and unpredictable. I yelled for Tom. Tom didn’t confront Matt himself OR call the police. Instead he called another friend, who called Matt and told him he needed to leave right then of the police would he called. I looked out the window literally less than a minute later, and Matt was gone.

Fast forward and in summary:

This began one of the most terrifying experiences of my life.*

*The sexual, physical, and psychological abuse I experienced as a child left me with a few interesting symptoms - namely pathological people pleasing at best and Stockholm syndrome, at worst. Since I had forgiven my abuser way too soon after the abuse and had thus began a life-long process of proving to myself that no one was evil, we should have empathy and forgiveness for everyone, and that anyone could be unconditionally loved and treated with enough kindness and understanding to “cure” them of their inner wounds and traumas (and help them stop mistreating others), this was, of course, not the last time I saw Matt.

Tom’s summary:

Before I get to Matt, I would like to summarize the way Tom acted for the next year. He started stalking me. In fact, I used to refer to him as the “anti-stalker, stalker, to my therapist, once my psychosis had subsided enough for me to talk about him. For the next year, he weasled his way into spending he night with me on my couch or on my bed to “protect me from Matt.” He drove by my work, by my apartment, and by my ex’s house (who I had luckily started being friends’ with during this time). When things would get to be too much with Tom or I became freaked out enough about his “Matt’s coming to murder you soon” comments, I would finally have enough and start avoiding him. Being a codependent and having no one to talk to, eventually I ended up talking to, seeing, and doing meth again with Mayt. During this time, Tom would show up screaming, beating on my door, calling and texting me super verbally abusive stuff (when drunk). One day later that year, Matt walked outside and all 4 of his tires’ were slashed. Another day, I got a call from a different neighbor saying Tom was suicidal over me and needed me to go stop him from shooting himself in the woods. Luckily I was alarmed enough to refuse (and had a friend that assured me this was a lie). The neighbor later told me Tom had asked him to walk me out into the woods, at night, where he would be holding a gun to his head. My neighbor somehow didn’t find this extremely alarming at the Ike and never knew what’s Tom had planned on doing, when I got out there. Another friend of mine received a call from Tom asking what it would take to get me to “visit him in the hospital?” Would it be a “car accident” , a “broken leg?” Somehow my friend didn’t tell me until a month or so later. Tom knew I had problems saying “no” by that time and constantly tried to take advantage of me with this, whether it be through allowing him to stay the night, have sex with me, or drop by my work. Tom actually started showing up at my work every single day with fancy coffee he knew I liked. Since I had literally almost no other friends or support during this time, I thanked Tom, felt obligated to take the coffee (that he’d paid for), and then felt obligated to pay him for it. Some of the worst things that Tom did to me during this time was: intentionally make my psychosis worse, convince time that Matt was going to murder me constantly, convinced me that I was more addicted to meth than I was, convinced me I was losing my mind, and in doing so, literally perpetuated every single problem I had. He also prevented me from reaching out to anyone else or to get help, because he was supposed to be “my help”, but literally made me more afraid for my life every single day.

Matt’s summary:

A summary of Matt’s behavior is a little different than Tom’s, but at least as much, if not more, alarming. Matt started stalking me very soon into this time. On the surface, Matt’s stalking appeared a lot different from Tom’s. Matt wore all black, hid in the basement of my building, in the stairwell outside of my apartment, in different people’s lawns across from my apartment (so he could see in my window), within the playground equipment of an elementary school across from my apartment building, between or behind bushes at my work, in random labs or classrooms at my work, or would just be staring up at my window with an assortment of terrifying espressions on his face at night.

True to my Stockholm form, I forgave Matt multiple times after having too many boundaries crossed by Tom or becoming scared of Tom himself. I also started using crystal meta again. It was odd, because although I had told Matt I wanted to quit using every single time I did it again, and although he agreed, he somehow always wound up offering it to me again. And I was weak. Although I was terrified of Matt (and Tom and meth), I was less scared I getttint addicted to meth or dying (from it or one of them), than I was of even processing the pain of my last relationship. What was even worse was that, often, at first, I would feel safe around Matt again. In fact, I would feel like a fool or even like I had caused Matt to act this way and that he had never actually done anything wrong to me to begin with. And every single time I felt safe with Matt again, something would happen to make me terrified of him, even more than before. It could be anything from meth-induced psychosis combined with one of them suggesting the other was going to kill me to the many other alarming behaviors Matt engages in: faking his own death, uploading photos of me or my neighborhood or apartment building at night with cryptic captions about killing I stalking me (which many of my friends “liked”), to making it obvious that he didn’t remember key information I had told him about me early on (info I know I had spoken with him about so many times), all the way to threatening blackmail many, many times, hacking into all of my online accounts (almost constantly) and letting me know he’d done it (in one way or another), stealing my debit card and taking money from my account, to telling another guy he could have sex with me while I was blacked out drunk from alcohol. One time Matt stole a copy of my keys while I was sleeping and made a copy. Sometime around then, when I had managed to get Matt out of my place (and Tom wasn’t there), I would often dream that Matt was in my apartment, watching me while I slept. Matt told me he had made a copy of these keys about 6 months later, when we were on meth together. I had recently wisened up to someone entering my place and had gotten my locks changed. Matt gave me his key copies and told me “they never worked anyway.” Matt also kept me from sleeping as much as possible. So did Tom, actually. He rearranged my place often and without my permission. I didn’t even feel that my apartment was my own anymore. Matt also tried cutting me off from every single other friend or family member I had, if he couldn’t get them to think he was a “great guy.” What was harder was that Matt and I continued to have and on-and-off sexual relationship. Matt often told me that he had never really been that interested index with women in the past, and was instead fine using drugs instead. I am not sure if it was the meth, brainwashing,
toxicity of the relationship, or the fact that I was so terrified of him, but we had super passionate sex.

Matt (and Tom) has been love-bombing since very soon into meeting them, although I didn’t believe they were actually “love-bombing” me at the time. On top of this, the alteration between fearing Matt would kill me and the way his eyes seemed to go black and envelop me when we had sex, I started losing further touch with reality. At one point, I officially started dating Matt and didn’t even seem to remember the months of psychological abuse and trauma I’d suffered at his hands. Matt also pushed me to cut off contact with my ex completely. Since I had come to view this ex as one of my only “friends” or “family members” in the area, due to my lack of a support system and major codependency issues, this made me lose my mind, even more.

My adrenaline must have been so high during this time. I spent most of my time trying to work (or HIDING at my work), trying to concentrate on what I was doing and hoping my boss or coworkers wouldn’t notice how sped up, strung out, or psychotic I was. At home, I had no time to myself. I was terrified to be alone - way more so than when I moved into my apartment. Every day Matt or Tom would alternate grooming me and scaring me into submission and giving them control, until one scared me or enraged me enough to kick them out or the other forced their way in and the other out. I started dissociating majorly during this time. I stopped being able to sleep, almost at all, even when I wasn’t on meth. I was terrified of almost everyone, including my own parents. Matt (or Tom) somehow continuously convinced me separately) that my family was out to get me, out to molest me, or out to kill me.

Thanks to meth and our pre-existing relationship, Matt usually “won” and was usually able to get me to turn against Tom (“he’s the murdered”), until he did something super messed up and that hollow black look returned to his eyes. At some point, when I would go back to Tom and say “you were right - it happened again” and recount whatever horrifying thing had happened this time (and so forth), I gave up. Whereas Tom had formally told me “yes, Matt was trying to get you addicted to crystal meth on purpose to have control of you...he will kill you”, he instead started offering me cocaine (at first) and then later, methamphetamine. Luckily I had quit meth during the time he offered it, but his actions still helped destroy what was remain g of my self-esteem.

I literally believed that I had no worth other than being used for sex or to prove Matt or Tom had “beaten the other.” Combined with the major traumas I’d experienced in my childhood, how I was treated by my peers and friends throughout my life, how many times I’d been moldsted by different people growing up (not just family), how often I’d been victim-blames by women and men alike for behavior that was a coping mechanism for extreme terror and distrust, for how many people had ignored me or just flat outside say anything when I’d asked for help, for how worthless my romantic relationships had made me feel, for the way these two guys had preyed upon me without any concern for my safety or welfare, and for how many times I had thought I could be kind l, forgive, have empathy, and “help” predators change their ways, I completely lost my will to live.

One weekend I was sitting in the bathtub after kicking Matt out. Matt has done meth with me that weekend, completely rearranged my apartment against my wishes, and had just started to get that terrifying look in his eyes when my phone started going off. Of course it was Tom with his usual “he’s a psycho and will kill you” stuff. He also included some of his new favorite ways to upset me. Things like, “I hate your guts”, “you’re en evil *****”, and/or “everyone said you were a *****”, and “you took advantage of me.” For the hundredth time, I snapped, but instead of holding back like before, I ended up letting him have it. I thought being mean might actually be the best thing to do at this point. That’s when I told him I never wanted to sleep with him, that I just couldn’t say no, that he should have never taken advantage of me like that, that I never wanted to see him again, and worse/meaner. I thought this dwas finally the response that would get Tom out of my life, forever, and although I knew this would leave me completely alone with Matt, I couldn’t deal with seeing him say I took advantage of him or that I was a ***** one more time. He literally knew about my issues with saying “no” and had purposely driven me crazy and endangered my life over the past year, just to “win” a competition with Matt:

Tom showed up at my door a few minutes later and pounded on it over and over. Matt already had the evil, black eyes at this point and the accompanying personality switch (or “mask shift”) at this point and basically sneered something about how I needed to go out and talk to him. I was terrified of Tom, but I was also terrified of Matt. I started to open the door while Tom was yelling. I was careful to keep it latched, but Tom ended up saying something about how much money I owed him. That was it. I had let this guy take advantage of me, abuse me, and had literally paid him every cent of the money he spent back to not only buy my freedom, but also protect me from him. In the back of my mind, I still always hoped that my kindness would pay off, Tom (or Matt) would become good people, and I’d have a real friend that didn’t just take advantage of me sexually, financially, etc.

When I heard Tom say this, I unlatched the door and started to stand up for myself about the finance comment because I knew I didn’t know him any money. Matt must have walked up behind me an sneered at Tom. Thats when Tom punches Matt through my door and tried to push it open. Although this wasn’t their at time Tom has punched Matt unexpectedly, I was still very scared and pushed against the for with all of my weight to close and latch it. At the same time, Tom and Matt were both trying to prevent me from doing so and trying to fight each other. Matt later told me (I didn’t even notice) that he had shoved me down while trying to open the door to get to Tom. Somehow I got the door closed as relocated and then, Tom was gone. Matt became extremrlu angry with me at this point, and said I had prevented him from standing up for himself and again since I’d been shoved down, insulted, some of my stuff was broken; and they were both LITERALLY trying to go against my rights to the place I live, I got extremely enraged - especially since I was actually preventing them from being arresstsrd or hurting one another. I told Matt to get out.

I went to the police that day, as an way to show myself that I could take back control of my life and get these predators out, before they killed me or similes myself. If it had been for revenge or to punish them (well, Tom), I couldn’t have done it. I was instead doing it because I felt that this was maybe my last option or my life would soon be over. When I drove to the police station, I was informed I would need Matt to come down there (as a witness). I called him and although he still sounded like he was in his mean, crazy personality, he jumped at the opportunity to get Tom a felony (just like he himself had - go figure). When he arrived, he had his fake “con” personality (or mask) back on and managed to have he officers laughing at his jokes and ready to lock Tom up without an arrest or trial. I worked with him to create the report, simply because although it was disgusting to see the glee I his eyes over ruining someone else’s Judie (though maybe Tom deserves it), I also had no their choice. We both wrote statements and signed them and then parted ways.

I came home, ran a bath, and started actually trying to write a post on his exact forum. Just like today, writing the post took me hours , but for some reason, I felt incredibly hopeless and believed no one would even want to read it or take the time to respond. So I deleted it. And then I read about suicide.

Writing that post (although since deleted), which included mentioning each person that had sexually molested, abused, or preyed yupon me in some way throughout my entire life (not literal names, obviously), had pushed me over the edge. I decided that either needed to kil myself, to prevent myself from murdering every pedophile, rapist, or Matt/Tom in my life. I had honestly lost it completely. I have no idea how long I sat in that tub, but I know at least a few hours had passed before I heard a knock at the door.

I knew it would be Matt before I checked it. I opened it. When I saw him, I had no clue how I had ever believed he was a totally different person. I told him to leave. He begged me to come in and speak with me for awhile, since it was out “anniversary.” With quiet defeat, I let him in. I was totally dissociated when I came to, to something he was saying about everyone telling him what a great guy he was for putting up with me and how horrible I’d been to him. I lost it again. I told him every single horrible thing I could think of (things that would enrage him). As he was hissing me (literally, hissing), I told him I would die before giving him my mind. Then I peed myself.

I’m not sure if he left because he’d been kicked out by me or my neighbors so many times before, the police event earlier that day, or that he simply wasn’t getting what he wanted very often any more, but he left. I still had to force the door shut, as he was pushing back and hissing he hated me again and that’s I would regret this. As I was laying in bed, shivering and praying for death again, heh started his usual abusive texts alternating wth threats of blackmail alternating wtb vaguely unstable or murderous ones and back to how he was a victim again.

I honestly have no idea when this was, anymore, at all. The latter half of 2017 and the entirety of 2018 were like this. I ended up droppingy statement against Tom behind Matt’s back, because I was truly afraid someone would have gotten murdered, just like I was every time I was faced with the option of involving the police, getting orders of protection, or trying to get away from them.

So far this year, I have kept Tom out of my life completely - through both blocking every method he has of contacting me AND getting the security at my work to “ban” both him and Matt. I are sure they wouldn’t get in trouble before I did this, and even then I was reluctant, due to that same fear.

As far as Matt goes, hopefully today is the last time I will see or hear from him. I had managed to keep him blocked throughout Christmas-time, when I was out of town, but he did his usual maddeningdd combination of super abusive emails, leaving obvious trails on all of my online accounts that he somehow always finds a way to hack into (regardless of the number of times I change the passwords), and then his usual emails that were poorly written apologies that seemed insane or didn’t make any sense, but because the rage I experience toward him is too great, I would cling to instead.

I’ve done crystal meth a handful of times with him since I got back front Chrismas and I am really hoping today was the last time. I was addicted for the better part of a year when I did it, off and on, but now it hs become increasingly harder to quit. I was not in a stable place whatsoever before my experiences with those 2, but now, for using meth, I am extremely depressed and unmotivated every time I stop using it.

Matt’s behavior has become increasingly more alarming again, each time we’ve used meth. Several times ago, he brought his “criminal friends” over, for several reasons, one of which being to tell me what a great guy he is. During that experience, on of his friends got out an unloaded gun and twirled it around. I could be paranoid, but I am pretty sure that guy was trying to intimidate me.

The second to last time, about 2 weeks ago, he used meth with me and started blaming for something that did y make any sense. When I simply kept saying?, “no, I know that isn’t true because...[insert fact]”, he snapped out to his blank stare, got up, raised his hands in a motion to strangle me, and started walking toward me. I am not sure what even happened next, except I likely said something like “just kill me and get it over with”, and somehow he snapped out of it again (without apologizing or acknowledging he’d do e that, st all). Later that night, he told me he would clean out my dishwasher (it’s been broken for a bit and had collected mold). I told him didn’t have to, but he insisted. While I was in the shower, he cleaned it.

When I went back into the kitchen, I saw the dishwasher, thanked him profusely, and went to take a drink of water that I had left in a mug beside of my filtered-water pitcher. The water I drank tasted awful, but I swallowed it without thinking. As soon as I did, I told him that water tasted awful. He responded with, “that’s probably because it has bleach on it.” The fear that had deadened my response to came back and I asked him if he poisoned me. He said he did not, but instead, wrang out bleach from the sponge he was using, into a glass of water that I had been drinking. I responded with “that IS poisoning someone.” He immediately went back to his blank eyes, muttered something about how I was wrong, and told me, “I didn’t need to call Poison Control, because that was such a small amount.” Luckily, I was already looking up the number as he walked back into the room. He tried grabbing my phone, but an operator came on and I began talking before he had a chance to stop me. The lady told me if it was just a few drops of bleach, I would likely not have any symptoms, but if it was more, I could have nausea, vomiting, and burning in my esophagus. I had severe nausea, burning of my esophagus, and kidney pain for the rest of the night.

Afterwards, I had another fear-induced dissociation and just kinda went away somewhere in my mind. The next thing I knew, one of his “criminal” friends was back in my place and when I became aware of what thy were talking about, I realized he was sitting there telling his friend how he was a victim of me. With some of the fight left in me, I tried standing up for myself. Since Matt is very unpredictable and I didn’t want to enrage him or his friend. I tried begging them to tell me what’s I was doing to “hurt” Matt. I also said that I was just be treated like a human being and didn’t ask anything of Matt and didn’t try to get him or even expect ANYTHING from him, even when he’d “accidentally” wronged me (even though I knew most of Matt’s accidents couldn’t possibly be “accidental”). When i looked up from my brief plea for mercy from Matt, I am not sure exactly what expression was on his face, but his friend looked angry. I have no idea how that was possible. I didn’t say ANYTHING offensive or out of line. Then, Matt’s friend told him he didn’t know how he sat there and let me talk to him like that, and then, I believe he implied that if it were him, he would have hit me.

I am not sure how I ended up hanging out with Matt again yesterday and today, but it happened. I had made it 2 weeks without using meth, which although my depression is bad and I have strong cravings, it is much easier to do when Matt isn’t trying to “push” me to use it. Unfortunately, he is now dealing it. I believe it started with him showing up here to tell my neighbor, who was here, he was a victim of maltreatment by me and everyone. It wasn’t very clear because he must either be losing track of what he says, because of meth abuse, or is just completely losing his mind, or he’s trying some manipulation technique. My neighbor said something about how he “didn’t have a problem with him (although he looked a bit scared), but just didn’t want him to seek me meh anymore.” Matt agreed to never do it again, and then went right back to defending selling meth, asking my neighbor weird questions to guage his response to what he thinks of him (I guess?), and then defending himself out of nowhere.

The next day he knocked on my door. Again, I knew it was him. I had made it 2 weeks this time and suffered through each day in slow motion. I knew I should t do it, but it happened again. I’m not even really sure what happened this time. J think he tried to show me or have me discover he is talking to their girls (or guys or both) online, even though I have stuck to my usual, “you know I am too messed up for a romantic relationship at this point in time, for you, but I would still like to be your friend.” (He is less enraged by this answer than other ones.) I think he then tried to engage an argument between a couple and then we may have had sex, although I don’t remember it very clearly. I am not sure why I don’t remember that much of our it interactions anymore - it’s likely either due to major dissociation or something he’s doing to get me to forget. He finally went home, after binging for 7 days.

If you’ve made it this far, thank you so much for reading this whole post. I didn’t mean to make it this long, but I felt I had to include a significant amount of background in order to properly convey this past year-and-a-half.

When he left today, I decided this HAS to be the last time I see hmm, or So am never going to get away from him. In order to do this, I know I will need to cut off contact with him again. The problem is that every single time I’ve blocked him, I’ve been okay for a week or two, but then the horror of the whole situation comes rushing back in. And then I believe my murder or death is inevitable and feel compelled to reengage contact to either preempt whatever trick he has up his sleeve OR so that he will think I am compliant and therefore not target me, as much.

I have been more successful with not blocking him and not responding, although getting constant abusive texts and calls is almost as bad. I can’t go to rehab because of my job and lack of finances, and I can’t tell my family because they each have separate financial or health struggles, that prevent them from being able to help or even handle knowing I have had Matt and meth in my life, this whole time.

If you have any advice, I would be eternally grateful. If you have any suggestions on what is wrong with Matt (or Tom) that caused them to act this way, or any better tactics for dealing with them, please let me know. Lastly, if you have any advice on dealing with an almost nonexistent support system and getting through the withdrawals of codependency/relationship addiction, while going through this process, please let me know.

In addition, if you feel that I am in serious danger and this will absolutely escalate OR if these people will hurt others (in the future), if I don’t go to the police, please let me know. I am terrified of them and would be even more so ideal i were to get either of them in trouble, but, due to my life circumstances, I CANNOT let someone fall prey to someone I could have stopped, if it weren’t for fear. Thank you and God Bless.
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Old 02-03-2019, 02:58 PM   #2
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My Mood: Please Help: Should I be worried for the safety of myself or the safety of others?

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Heart Re: Please Help: Should I be worried for the safety of myself or the safety of others

Thank you for sharing all of this. I'm sorry you have encountered so much difficulty in your life. Unfortunately there's really nothing I could suggest in terms of how to proceed here. Perhaps there will be other members, here on PC, who will have some helpful suggestions they can offer. My only thought would be to contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline & see if they can perhaps be of assistance. Here's a link to their website:

Home | The National Domestic Violence Hotline

Their phone number is: 1 (800) 799-7233

My best wishes to you...
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