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Old 08-05-2018, 10:49 AM   #1
here today
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Default I think the time is coming...

When I need to face the fact that I am not going to get "OK", whatever that even is in a personality. The damage was just too great -- both the initial childhood stuff, genetics maybe, and then the inadequacy and lack of knowledge in diagnosing and treating interpersonal trauma and personality disorders over the last more than 55 years that I have been in therapy, off and on. My "belief" that I would get OK, that I could find or get or "make" therapy work for me was, instead, most likely a feature of the disorder, an idealization, pipe dream, fantasy. I did give up on therapy 2 years ago, but I still somehow kept on hoping for something better.

I am not functioning well, can't -- and don't really want to -- take care of my home, and the most realistic assessment that I can make is that I need to get out. The question is timing, and how. . .There will clearly be some loss of control on my part, too.

Maybe this realization is, in fact, an indication that I am more "well". It just sucks. Still better to realize it myself, I think, than to have something forced on me. That happened to a friend of mine several years ago. She has adjusted OK now, and is better off in terms of her living conditions, health, too, probably, but she surely didn't like the process of getting to where she is.

Personality disorders suck!
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Old 08-06-2018, 04:25 PM   #2
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Many years ago my father used to say: "You're not required to like it. You're just required to do it." So that's what I do day-in & day-out. I've made a couple of previous attempts to remove myself from this level of reality, so to speak. (Obviously I did not succeed.) And at this point it pretty-much just feels like more trouble than it would be worth to try again. Fortunately I guess... or unfortunately... depending on how you look at it... I'm old enough now that I probably don't have all that many more years to worry about it. So I just let it be...
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Old 08-10-2018, 06:59 AM   #3
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Default Re: I think the time is coming...

Thanks, Skeezyks. I understand that attitude "You're not required to like it. You're just required to do it." May have been fairly common in our day. And in my childhood and early years, that's what I did, too. Could even not eat very much, trying to diet as a teenager. But then I got so thin my parents took me to a doctor, who referred me to a psychiatrist, and the rest of my story as a "mental patient" is history.

I really appreciate your post, and lots of other posts that you contribute on PC. I know that I'll be removed from this level of reality eventually, too. I decided not to try it about 18 years ago when it seemed that my life was of no use to me or my adult children. Still think that that would have been the rational thing to do, but since "they say" that it hurts the survivors, my daughter especially would have felt "hurt" and put upon even though she decided several years later to have nothing to do with me for several years. Still, though, she made that decision, not me, so maybe it was just as well for me not to be gone, so that she could reject me. . .and then eventually things have gotten better. Strange level of reality, this one. Maybe I'll meet you in the next, if there is one.
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Old 08-13-2018, 08:50 AM   #4
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I think I feel the same. I'm tired of trying to fix me. I'm just going to accept I am where I am .
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Old 08-16-2018, 02:56 PM   #5
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Default Re: I think the time is coming...

This is something I've accepted in degrees ever since I knew I wasn't "normal". I understand how the realization of "I'm never going to be traditionally okay" can feel like a strange since of foreboding because you're "stuck like this" just like I'm also stuck with it. I hear you.
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Old 08-16-2018, 03:58 PM   #6
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Quote:
Originally Posted by here today View Post
When I need to face the fact that I am not going to get "OK", whatever that even is in a personality. The damage was just too great -- both the initial childhood stuff, genetics maybe, and then the inadequacy and lack of knowledge in diagnosing and treating interpersonal trauma and personality disorders over the last more than 55 years that I have been in therapy, off and on. My "belief" that I would get OK, that I could find or get or "make" therapy work for me was, instead, most likely a feature of the disorder, an idealization, pipe dream, fantasy. I did give up on therapy 2 years ago, but I still somehow kept on hoping for something better.

I am not functioning well, can't -- and don't really want to -- take care of my home, and the most realistic assessment that I can make is that I need to get out. The question is timing, and how. . .There will clearly be some loss of control on my part, too.

Maybe this realization is, in fact, an indication that I am more "well". It just sucks. Still better to realize it myself, I think, than to have something forced on me. That happened to a friend of mine several years ago. She has adjusted OK now, and is better off in terms of her living conditions, health, too, probably, but she surely didn't like the process of getting to where she is.

Personality disorders suck!
My personal belief is that normalcy is something that can be for everyone, even if it's just a little bit of it. It takes a lot of hard work, blood, sweat, tears, but it's worth it, no matter how long it takes to achieve it. I don't know you personally, but if I was a gamblin' man, I'd say that you have what it takes to pursue and work towards a better life for yourself... you are good enough, you have what it takes.
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Old 10-03-2018, 09:53 AM   #7
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Default Re: I think the time is coming...

“She decided.. to have nothing to do with me for several years”

This sounds similar to a PU I had... it really sucks. . However it’s “their decision” and I too have seriously considered removing myself from this reality. But I couldn’t and wouldn’t do that for the (few maybe) who do care. Also the “reality” of the removal likely being... messy at best. I haven’t completely given up on the “dream” that things might “get better” for me. I haven’t given up on working on fuzzy bear. I think my PUs and others were and are more disordered than I ever was..

But I do know I’ll never be traditionally “normal” ...


I like this quote someone sent to me “every saint has a past, every sinner has a future”

(I’m not a fan of thinking about “the future” and much less talking about it, debating it etc.. but I do like this quote. I’m on the “one day at a time” bus, it’s the only thing that “works” even somewhat for me.

(Those who painted me black were... mistaken )
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Old 10-12-2018, 12:28 PM   #8
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Default Re: I think the time is coming...

It was a crappy culture, and a crappy family dynamic that I was born into. My temperament was different from most, and there was an abandonment trauma at 3 that "broke" something.

I've gotten that perspective on things from years and years of therapy. But not a better adaptation to reality, to the world, to other people.

Several weeks after I wrote the OP I injured my foot, the doctors didn't diagnose a hairline fracture at first, a podiatrist told me 2 weeks ago to stay off it for at least 4 weeks (two more to go). That is realistically very difficult -- I live alone and have 4 cats to take care of. And how much did I damage it walking on it before they told me to stay off?

What annoys me the most, though, is the medical system's overlooking of me reminds me of the extent to which I "trusted"/idealized the mental health system, the idea of therapy, to "help" me become a person who did fit in somehow. Who was worthy. Something . . .

All those years. . .It didn't "work". . .Don't know what would have, I've tried 12-step programs, religion, other forms of spirituality.

I like the notion of one step at a time, too, but the time comes when the stepping will end.

In the meantime, I am trying to stay off the foot as much as possible, because I don't know for sure. But I surely am ready for it to be over -- except for the cats. I need to stay around for awhile to take care of them, they are aged 15 and maybe 17. They have special diets and medications and one gets allergy shots twice a week. Hope I can continue to take care of them till they go relatively peacefully.
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