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Unread 03-20-2017, 02:55 PM   #1
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Default can forgiveness be forced?

I'm posting this in here because right now I'm mentally exhausted. Many people here already left their abusive relationship with narcissist, or trying to move on with their life while questioning all the experience they've been through. While I'm here, right now, rendered helpless, with nothing in my life even though I already figure what's going on.
I married to a covert narcissist. I figured that one. Immediately figure him out since he started crossing the boundaries that I made. Since he started trying to make me the crazy ones. I figured him out.
There's no love in this marriage. I married him because the pressure my family put me in. He said he married me because he 'loves' me. Now I question his love. Why his love always comes with a heavy price to pay. I just realized he is asking for my love, while I have nothing to begin with. So he started the abuse.
He make me lose everything. My family, my friends, my life, my future, my sanity...
I literally left with nothing but a borrowed laptop and a wifi access. Oh also, a son. 12 day old son.
He always keep his hands clean, by playing martyr he pushes me around. He can't never control me directly, he knows that so he turn to my family. Making them his private flying monkeys. He showcase his love to me for everyone to see, he gives me things I don't ask for, he please everyone around me... So I have no choice but to worship him. To let him do whatever he please with me.
After showing symptoms of C-PTSD my family agreed to let me separate from him for a while. Now they are starting to regret that. They keep pushing me out of the safe zone. Putting him into my safe zone, (right now he is literally sleeping soundly outside the door of my bedroom). They are playing with their hurt, to guilt trip me into accepting him back. They told me to only look at his kindness, to get rid of my hate. They forced me to forgive him.
HOW CAN I DO THAT?!
He is the one who are asking for forgiveness why I'm the one who are mentally tortured?
He know exactly what state my family is in right now, with sister having schizophrenia, financial abused by relatives, mother having mental breakdown, father in debt, sickly grandparent, yet he keep come back to my family showing his face of sorrow and 'poor me' attitude because I'm still not accepting him back in my life again...
How can I forgive him if that forgiveness he's asking for is coming from blackmails, guilt trips and verbal abuses he make my family done to me?
After all the the murder he done to my identity, yet I'm the one who HAVE to forgive him.
Right now, I need to pretend to get along with him or the abuse from my family continued. I can't do anything against this since my fight will only adding on my family suffering. I can't no longer be the one who is responsible of my mother's tears, or my grandpa sickness...
I hope I can holding on long enough till I can get out, I hope my son will follow me and not become one of his flying monkey someday...
Sometime I envy my sister who has schizophrenia because my mom did everything to protect her from hurt yet I'm not protected. Because I'm not broken enough...
God... I need a hug...
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Unread 03-20-2017, 03:12 PM   #2
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Default Re: can forgiveness be forced?



Hold on, you did the right thing for you and your baby boy.

Forgiveness can't be forced, your family is as twisted as he is for thinking they can force u to.

I hope you can find somewhere safe to stay, maybe a shelter or a cousin or friend, anywhere you and your son wont be hassled by your mother or husband.
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Unread 03-20-2017, 03:36 PM   #3
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Default Re: can forgiveness be forced?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Trippin2.0 View Post


Hold on, you did the right thing for you and your baby boy.

Forgiveness can't be forced, your family is as twisted as he is for thinking they can force u to.

I hope you can find somewhere safe to stay, maybe a shelter or a cousin or friend, anywhere you and your son wont be hassled by your mother or husband.
Thank you for replying.

There was a shelter for me but I don't have it any longer since the relatives who gives me shelter don't want to have any bad blood with my family.
Cousins too already on my family side, after my mother told them with sadness about my situation they want me to finally reconcile with him so I'm not adding burden to my mother.
My friend, my supposed to be best friend after hearing my mother side of story literally told me that I can get karma one day because of my immaturity.
They are friends who actually understand me, but they can do nothing to help me except trying to cheer me up through all the situation. I feel grateful just for that and I don't want to drag them into my problem since they all have their life on their own.

If it fine, I hope I can use this place as a "dump site" of my feelings. I need support in every kind of form. It can be very exhausting journey from now on.
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