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Unread 05-18-2017, 02:03 AM   #1
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Default My family is ruining my life

I've posted here once before about my family. My brother is 39, but he's mentally slow and has a child. His wife left him last year and he's been living with his in laws but they say he has to get out. He has a son who is 6 and who just starting this fall which is creating a scheduling nightmare.

Basically my brother is going to have to move in with me and I'm going to have to help him raise his child. I have a hard time getting out of bed anymore. My sister just died in a fire a year and a half ago and she left behind 3 kids, one of which had leukemia.

My real parents were killed in a car accident when I was 2 and my uncle who raised me committed suicide about 20 years ago.

Im broke and an emotional wreck and credit card debt is piling up. I've had to turn down two jobs this week because I would have had to move and can't because of my brother so it looks like I'm going to have to take whatever job I can find that fits his schedule. I feel nothing but rage and anger at my brother for what he's done and what he's putting me through.

I really am at the end of my rope.
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Unread 05-18-2017, 07:24 PM   #2
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Unread 05-22-2017, 08:35 AM   #3
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Default Re: My family is ruining my life

Wow. That is so much to deal with!

You know you can't be responsible for all of this.

Why can't your brother and his child move with you?

Aren't there any other resources for your brother - I'm not versed in resources that provide independent living resource for folks that are slow.

Maybe it would be easier for you to assume care for the child and let him live in an independent living situation?

Where is his ex wife? Is she involved in the child's life? What's going on with her that makes it so she can't assume responsibility for the child?

Are his in-laws willing to care for the child but just don't want him living there?

Bottom line is you don't have to take it all on and assume responsibility. Reach out to social service agencies for help with your brother. Reach out to the child's family and make them assume part of the burden as well. Work to reach a compromise that doesn't involve you sacrificing your whole life.

Hope things work out for you.
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Unread 05-22-2017, 12:03 PM   #4
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Default Re: My family is ruining my life

Quote:
Originally Posted by Brownmike View Post
I've posted here once before about my family. My brother is 39, but he's mentally slow and has a child. His wife left him last year and he's been living with his in laws but they say he has to get out. He has a son who is 6 and who just starting this fall which is creating a scheduling nightmare.

Basically my brother is going to have to move in with me and I'm going to have to help him raise his child. I have a hard time getting out of bed anymore. My sister just died in a fire a year and a half ago and she left behind 3 kids, one of which had leukemia.

My real parents were killed in a car accident when I was 2 and my uncle who raised me committed suicide about 20 years ago.

Im broke and an emotional wreck and credit card debt is piling up. I've had to turn down two jobs this week because I would have had to move and can't because of my brother so it looks like I'm going to have to take whatever job I can find that fits his schedule. I feel nothing but rage and anger at my brother for what he's done and what he's putting me through.

I really am at the end of my rope.
I'm sorry that you are going through such hardship. Society should have better resources to help people that are going through the unimaginable hell that you are, but the fact of the matter is that this world is a cold, heartless place.

You might not like the advice that I'm going to give you, but I see one logical option: turn down your brother.

You can't be responsible for him or his child if you can't even take care of yourself.

If you must move to get a job than move. In fact, it might be healthy for you to move if where you reside now is where you experienced any of your trauma at. Getting a fresh start might be what you need.

Maybe your brother should either get on disability or other government assistance or live in a group home or independent living facility because you won't be able to help him if you can't help yourself.

As for the child, maybe he should go stay with his mother or another relative or even be put up for adoption or placed in a foster home? It sucks having things like that happen to children but life sucks and if you try to raise the child right now you might end up doing more harm than good.

So yeah, take care of yourself first and foremost. The advice that I have given you may seem heartless, but sometimes you have to make choices that don't take into account the feelings of others to ensure your own survival.

Survive. Thrive.
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Unread 05-24-2017, 02:14 AM   #5
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Default Re: My family is ruining my life

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Originally Posted by DarknessIsMyFriend View Post
I'm sorry that you are going through such hardship. Society should have better resources to help people that are going through the unimaginable hell that you are, but the fact of the matter is that this world is a cold, heartless place.

You might not like the advice that I'm going to give you, but I see one logical option: turn down your brother.

You can't be responsible for him or his child if you can't even take care of yourself.

If you must move to get a job than move. In fact, it might be healthy for you to move if where you reside now is where you experienced any of your trauma at. Getting a fresh start might be what you need.

Maybe your brother should either get on disability or other government assistance or live in a group home or independent living facility because you won't be able to help him if you can't help yourself.

As for the child, maybe he should go stay with his mother or another relative or even be put up for adoption or placed in a foster home? It sucks having things like that happen to children but life sucks and if you try to raise the child right now you might end up doing more harm than good.

So yeah, take care of yourself first and foremost. The advice that I have given you may seem heartless, but sometimes you have to make choices that don't take into account the feelings of others to ensure your own survival.

Survive. Thrive.
If I moved it would kill my brother and he doesn't have anyone else to help him. I love him, but he can't take care of himself and he just sucks the life out of me.

Both he and my sister were just totally irresponsible in having kids and their life choices and as a result they drag everyone around them down too. The past three years have just been the worst period of my entire life.

My sister was in and out of jail, she stole from my aunt (who I call mom, she raised me after my parents were killed) she was hooked on drugs, she was an alcoholic, she lost her kids to CPS repeatedly. She finally died in a house fire about 1 1/2 years ago after passing out while smoking which left her kids without parents (their dad has been to prison for armed robbery and uses drugs so he wasn't allowed to get the kids).

My sister's kids were in limbo for the past 3 years basically, living in a foster homes several states away but we finally got that sorted out and as soon as that crisis was resolved my brother's POS wife leaves him and their kid to....and I **** you not.....shack up with some guy named "Jim bob" who lives (or was last I heard) in a tent.

His wife is a huge reason I'm so angry at my brother because everyone in the family told him she was no good and in the whole time they were together (12 years) she never got a job or helped my brother out financially in any way. They decided to have a kid without spending five minutes thinking about how they would afford it and now my brother is alone and about to be homeless with a 6 year old kid and he just expects me to save the day.

My brother is an emotional wreck (he always was, even before his wife left him) and very needy. It's not his fault but he's completely incapable of taking care of himself, let alone a kid. He has a job in a warehouse where he makes OK-ish money, $600 a week before taxes.....but the problem is he's paying $200 a week for health insurance, which is insane.

He doesn't understand that you can't spend 40% of your take home pay on insurance. I mean, insurance is obviously very important but not as important as basic shelter. I've tried to calmly explain that to him, I've yelled at him, I've ranted at him but he just doesn't listen.

He's known for about 2 years that he had to find a place of his own to live and that whole time I've been telling him he needs to find another job or cancel his insurance because he can't afford it but of course he never did cancel it. He says he wanted to keep it for his kid but his kid doesn't even have a home. Now he can't cancel his insurance until the next enrollment period which I think is in January and who knows if he will even then?

I have had to turn down two jobs in the last month because of him. Both were out of state and involved travel. I figured I'd be traveling for work and he could stay at my place. That way I could help him without actually having to live with him. But it turns out (and he didn't tell me this, I just asked him who would be watching his kid while he was at work) not only does he need to live with me but I'm going to have to watch his kid while he's at work because he has no one else to do it. He didn't even think that if he leaves for work at 6AM but his kid doesn't go to school until 7:30 AM that means someone has to watch the kid for that hour and a half period.

I've never had any desire whatsoever to have a kid. I don't have the personality for it. But now I have to play Mr Mom because my brother ****ed up his life.

I don't mean to whine but I don't really talk to anyone about this in real life and it's just ruining my life. It's just gotten to the point where I feel completely hopeless. I can't sleep (which is why I'm writing this at 3AM), I can't think. I just feel like a huge blanket of depression and anxiety is over me. All I see is a long miserable future of living with my brother because he's never going to change.


Anyway thanks for the replies.
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Unread 05-24-2017, 10:58 AM   #6
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Default Re: My family is ruining my life

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Originally Posted by Brownmike View Post
If I moved it would kill my brother and he doesn't have anyone else to help him. I love him, but he can't take care of himself and he just sucks the life out of me.
You have to make a hard choice; him or you.

It sucks but that's the way life works. Sometimes you have to do things that you don't want to do to ensure your safety.

As far as I'm concerned, anybody can learn the things that you've tried to teach your brother if they put the work into it. Unfortunately, it doesn't seem like your brother wants to change.

My background is a perfect example to use: I was a victim of Marachen (still can't spell this word worth a damn) by proxy. Another wards, my mother failed to teach me life skills and instead lied to the mental health system about mental illnesses that I didn't have as a way to garner sympathy from the doctors which messed me up as an adult because I've had to learn a bunch of different life skills such as managing money, socializing with people, or driving a car even all on my own and I spent most of my adult life unable to hold a job, yet I have my own place now and I'm about to go back to college AND start a business so if I can change so can your brother and I wouldn't use him being "slow" as an excuse either because I've known somebody who has downs syndrome actually succeed and hold a job and take care of himself.

If he isn't willing to even try and instead continues making reckless decisions like having kids or budgeting his money poorly than it isn't your job to bail him out because he made his choices and he should be the one to pay the consequences for his actions and not you.
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Unread 07-16-2017, 05:15 AM   #7
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Default Re: My family is ruining my life

Hello, Brownmike. Your brother sounds like my mom's sibling or my uncles. They keep coming back to my mom asking her money for their daily life but refuse to do something to help themselves. At least your brother has a job. My mom brother and sister refused to work and expect my mom to pay for their children tuition, clothes, transportation, food, housing and everything. They even trying to kick my step grandma from her house because they wanted the house my late grandpa left for her.

I think you need to strike the deal with your brother. If he has a job that pays that much, and he has shelter (basically your house) he can pay for sitter and food (for him and the child) by himself. And make a deal about insurance too. I will sound evil but if your brother is not really that intelligent you can guide him to sign a promise that can help you. Your brother won't budge if you only nagging him because I think he is kinda getting used to it. You can't use words and try to make him understand, you need to get into action. Making a deal that can help you with consequences that he fears the most. Like being homeless, or having his child taken away by the foster home. This is sound mean, but you can't expect to be a good brother forever if you can't afford it. You need to survive so is your brother. But why are you the only one who suffered.
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