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Old 01-06-2019, 10:23 AM   #1
Anonymous46369
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Mad Sense of entitlement

I don't have BPD myself, but my girlfriend does and there's an aspect of her behaviour that has always baffled me. It's her sense of entitlement and accompanying rage.

The latest incident happened around Christmas. She dumped me the day before Christmas eve. Nothing new there particularly. She basically dumps me every time we part company. After Christmas she got back in touch and the first thing she asks is if she can borrow some money because she's gone overdrawn. I had £20 in my wallet that my mum had given me for Christmas, so I gave it her on the condition that she paid me back. She promised that she would and said thank you.

A few days later, on new years eve, we met up and went for a meal and some drinks. She paid for the meal and I paid for the drinks. Roughly £20 each. She asked if buying the meal could count as paying me back and I said okay. I think that was a nice thing to do. Instead of insisting on being paid back, that money had been used to treat her.

Apparently she didn't see it that way. The next day, she started accusing me of being selfish for expecting her to pay me back. When I bought up the fact that we were already settled up, she said the point still remains and started getting aggressive with me.

I don't really understand the thought process behind this? I did something nice for her . I basically gave her £20, or at least treated her to a night out since she was using my money to pay for it, but for some reason I'm a villain?

When I've asked her about it, she's gone through every excuse in he book to insult and coerce me, from the fact that i have more money and should give it to her out of "fairness", to accusing me of taking advantage of her kindness, to paying her compensation for mental anguish.

This is just one incident, but this kind of entitled behaviour is pretty common. I could give other examples, some much more sever than this one, but I'll refrain.

What's the deal here?

Last edited by Anonymous46369; 01-06-2019 at 10:46 AM..
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Old 01-06-2019, 10:48 AM   #2
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i think that this was a trigger for her in some way that basically invalidated her sense of self worth and security. It may have been interpreted as, she is less valuable than the 20 pounds and that she, as a whole, is worthless so in turn to try and cope with that painful feeling she went into an attack mode to try and elicit reassurance from and a response from you, albeit aggressively, that she is actually more valuable than the money.. Because people with BPD generally have humongous issues with communicating emotions well, instead of asking you and telling you that i feel hurt and i feel like i am not valuable to you it ends up being communicated with aggression, other times it can be communicated by a complete withdrawal from the from the situation etc.

That how i see it.

You could try and validate her by stating that you value her and that nothing in that situation was and is a reflection of her self worth to you. I'm not sure how you could do that smoothly but it not an easy feat.
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Old 01-06-2019, 03:38 PM   #3
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Default Re: Sense of entitlement

I don't know. It just feels exploitative. The line between someone being ill and them just being a terrible person has become really blurred for me.
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Old 01-06-2019, 05:14 PM   #4
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Itís things like this that lead me to ask what the heck happened to women being equal to men. I am sure she feels entitled to that right? She should be a responsible person then. She should pay you back when she borrows money. I think you can find a much nicer girlfriend. Sheís not even friend material in my opinion.
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Old 01-06-2019, 05:38 PM   #5
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Default Re: Sense of entitlement

I have bpd and i know it i borrow money i have to pay it back. Simple as that
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Old 01-06-2019, 06:41 PM   #6
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Default Re: Sense of entitlement

Quote:
Originally Posted by Zehm View Post
The thing is, the way she acts makes me feel like I'm crazy. I'm going to post our recent coms here, just to show the sort of thing I have to go through.







It continued the next couple of days, and got progressively nastier.
What i read so far doesnt sound nasty or hateful . just sounds like she worries too much
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Old 01-06-2019, 07:18 PM   #7
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Default Re: Sense of entitlement

Zehm, sorry you are going through this. Have you asked yourself why you are trying to partner with someone who "dumps" you every time you part, feels entitled to your money, and makes you feel "crazy?" There seem to be some relationship basics (such as stability and mutual respect for boundaries) which are absent here. I question why you want to continue the relationship. Perhaps think about why you are allowing someone to treat you disrespectfully over and over again. It is healthier to be without a significant other than to be in a relationship which as you said makes you feel "crazy." Bring your thoughts back to you and your needs. Perhaps make a list of what you are looking for in a relationship/partner. Then compare the list to your current reality. Take some time and thought on your own. Is this really what you want?

Any relationship (friendship or romantic) should enhance your life. By that I don't mean that it should be perfect. There's no such thing as a perfect relationship of course because humans are imperfect. But overall, a relationship should enhance one's life with unconditional love, joy etc. If I am understanding you correctly, it sounds like this relationship actually diminishes your quality of life rather than enhancing it. I think you also may want to think about your self-esteem. I would not allow someone to treat me like that. I say that with zero judgment. From a place of care and regard for yourself, please think about what you deserve. Hint: a good and stable relationship

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Old 01-07-2019, 10:38 AM   #8
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Zehm View Post
I don't know. It just feels exploitative. The line between someone being ill and them just being a terrible person has become really blurred for me.
Sometimes the lines are blurred when it comes to someone being ill and them acting terribly. It can be exploitative because, at the core, this person may feel intensely terrified and in agony emotionally. So one of the few ways that they've learnt to cope with that pain and to lessen it is by resorting to harsh and "terrible" behaviors to feel secure.

It's not an easy situation to be in but it is complex. Altho if the situation isn't balanced out and you aren't getting a leveled amount of enjoyment and lets say benefit out of the relationship and it is affecting you negatively then maybe you should not be a part of it as it is not your responsibility to be there and to take the punches.. and maybe you're better off without that person being around you.
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Old 01-07-2019, 10:54 AM   #9
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I dont know if I am the only one who sees this but I see her as entitled and abusive. Emotionally abusive for dumping you all the time (you are a little complicit due to the fact that you keep getting back to her). That kind of emotional back and forth is very harmful and very mean. Expecting you to be ok with handing her money and then bargaining for how she should pay you back is unacceptable. If I borrow money from a bank I do not get to pay it back in lolipops. I have to pay them back with money. You go out to eat and then at the end she asks if it counted towards paying you back so really you only got half your money back because she ate too. I would recommend you get in to see a therapist to figure out what is it about you that would allow you to put up with behavior like this from someone who is supposed to care about you. I would recommend trying to figure out a way to break up with her as painlessly as possible.
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Old 01-07-2019, 11:33 AM   #10
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Default Re: Sense of entitlement

I think BW Borealis is right. I donít see your girlfriend behaviour as a response to a sense of entitlement, I see it more like an attempt to pick up some clue in order to know if she is important enough for you.
It doesnít have why to be something rational, but itís a way to have some sort of control within the confusion she lives in.
The more dependent she feels on their love people, the more frequent she is gonna experience these episodes and she is gonna also involve you.

I understand very well your needs and how much you suffer this situation. So, I would also wonder myself if itís worthy to go on with the relation. Is there any clue that let you know that she understands her pattern and is she someway, working on it? It may be a great difference in one case and the other.
Good luck, both!
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