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Old 07-31-2018, 01:54 PM   #1
ccrider22
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Default Help please. Is my wife a narcissist?

Am I crazy or is my wife a narcissist? I feel so confused and feel like I'm losing my mind. Any help or advice would be greatly appreciated.

A little bit about us is that she is 52 and I'm 47 years old. I'm her third husband and she is my second wife. We've been together nearly five years now. We both have two children each from our previous marriages. She has four grandchildren of which three of them live with us. They were removed from my step daughters care from the state and placed with us.

My wife cheated heavily on her two previous husbands. She never ended either of her marriages without having another relationship established. Yes I'm guilty of having an affair with her. I was single at the time and living alone. However she told me how abusive her ex-husband was and that she wanted out. She is a very attractive person and I'll admit that I fell for her instantly.

What I see in her now is a very self centered controlling person. Anything that takes my attention away from her upsets her or makes her mad. She is so jealous of my daughter that I find myself being scared to talk about my daughter or to do things with her. I feel like I live in a world that is all about her and her kids and that me and my children are not as important.

For example we purchased a home together. Our deal was that my wife would put down the down payment and that I would pay the monthly loan payment. My financial contribution will be five times what hers is when it's all said and done. However my wife thought that her children should inherit our home and that my kids shouldn't be entitled to any of it. We have spent thousands of dollars on her children and when my daughter asked me if she could have $100 to help with decorations for her wedding. My wife's exact words were "hell no, she doesn't need any of our money".

My wife has told me that she can't stand to see me light up when my daughter comes over to visit. I feel like this is a normal response. Most parents are going to light up when their kids come around. My daughter has told me that she does not feel welcome in our house.

My wife expects automatic compliance with her wishes. It doesn't matter what I'm doing or how important it is she expects me to drop it and comply with what she wants. There was a man hunt going on in our community by the local police. It was about 10:30 at night and I got up to make sure the doors were locked and that our house was secure. I decided to sit up for a bit to just ensure that everything was ok. My wife got out of bed and yelled at me saying that I knew that she couldn't sleep if I wasn't in bed with her. Meaning that I needed to come to bed immediately.

I thought I was doing a good thing by making sure we were protected. When her three grandchildren came to live with us we had to build an additional bedroom as required by the state. I was working on an electrical outlet. I had the electricity turned off and a flashlight in my mouth trying to get the outlet wired. She came home and yelled for me to come carry in the groceries that she had brought home. I mumbled that I couldn't just yet. She got so mad at me and spoke to me as if I were a child. This sort of thing happens constantly.

I see where she has very little empathy. My mother was in the critical care unit at the hospital. We did not know if she was going to live through the weekend or not. Sunday afternoon mom's condition had improved some and I had a chance to go home and get some rest. My wife wanted to get a room and spend the night in an entertainment city about 35 miles from the hospital. She said that we could walk around the landing and do some shopping. All I wanted to do was go home have a cup of coffee on our deck and to sleep in our own bed before returning to the hospital the next morning. This turned out to be one heck of a fight. I feel as though if the situation were reversed with her mother that it would be my place to comfort my wife and to try and help her get through a difficult time. I would not fight with her about going shopping.

I work a lot of overtime at my job and one night I had to get up at 1:30 am. When my alarm went off my wife jumped out of bed and yanked the alarm off the nightstand and threw it across the room. I sat up and said "what the hell was that for" then she hit me across the face with her fist. She said that she was tired of not getting any sleep. Her apology for hitting me was never very sincere. She did apologize but she also pointed out that she wouldn't have done it if I hadn't made her so mad. As if it were my fault.

My wife likes to dress very provocatively. Some of her shirts reveal quite a bit of her breast. She had a business trip in our state capitol and she packed her most revealing shirt. She said that she had to look good because the Attorney General might be there. She told me that she liked hob knobbing with the "important people". She has toned it down quite a lot at my request though. My opinion is that she was married twice before me and that she cheated on both of those husbands. It's not good for her to attract that kind of attention to herself in our marriage.

However she makes me feel so guilty and tells me how controlling that I am. She says things like "I have a closet full of clothes that I can't wear because of you". In reality she can dress however she wants and when I get tired of her showing off her boobs to all the boys in town then I can choose to end our marriage. She plays the victim very well and tells everyone how controlling and mentally abusive that I am.

I feel as though I can't ever give her enough or provide her with enough money, vacations or my attention etc etc. She told me that one reason she left her second husband was because he wasn't providing her with enough of a retirement. Sometimes I feel like I'm required to tell her how beautiful she is. She's expressed to me how that she wanted me to purchase her a gift on a regular basis like once a month or so. I could go on and on with stories like this. I feel like nothing I ever do is good enough for her. I feel like I live in a world that is just all about her. I see these traits in just about all of her family. I've said more than once that I've married into a family of narcissist.

I feel like I am becoming so bitter and resentful. I am so depressed that all I want to do is sleep. I have very little motivation for anything anymore. I am becoming such a bitter and angry person. I'll admit that I've said and done some mean and hurtful things to her out of frustration and being at my wits end. I don't know what to do anymore should I pack up and run. Is there any help for us?

I really don't want to go through a second divorce. We've tried marriage counseling but it ended with me being the crazy one and her being the helpless victim. One thing that might get us started in the right direction is for my wife to recognize that she suffers from a personality disorder. I need for someone to tell her that she is a narcissist. Any help or advice would be greatly appreciated. Thank you.

Last edited by CANDC; 08-08-2018 at 06:28 PM.. Reason: paragraph breaks
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Old 08-14-2018, 06:54 PM   #2
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Hello ccrider: I'm sorry you find yourself to be in this most difficult situation. I noticed this was your first post here on PC. I'm sorry you are only now receiving your first reply. Welcome to PsychCentral! I hope you find PC to be of benefit.

One other forum, here on PC, that may be of interest would be the relationships & communication forum. Here's a link:

https://forums.psychcentral.com/rela...communication/

I'm not a mental health professional. So I'm not really in a position to comment with regard to what may be going on with your wife. From what you wrote, it does sound as though your wife has some narcissistic traits. But that's just my personal non-professional opinion. We here on PC cannot diagnose anyone.

Here are links to a selection of articles, from PsychCentral's archives, that hopefully may provide you with some insight as to how to proceed:

How to Spot a Narcissist

The Female Malignant Narcissist is Just as Dangerous as Her Male Counterpart | Recovering from a Narcissist

How to Live with a Narcissist

11 Signs You're the Victim of Narcissistic Abuse | Recovering from a Narcissist

https://blogs.psychcentral.com/relat...dium=popular17

https://psychcentral.com/blog/heres-...dium=popular17

https://psychcentral.com/blog/how-to...amily-members/

https://blogs.psychcentral.com/narci...h-narcissists/

https://psychcentral.com/blog/6-sign...ng-to-divorce/

https://psychcentral.com/blog/are-yo...ourself/?all=1

https://psychcentral.com/blog/you-de...-relationship/

https://blogs.psychcentral.com/heali...onsiderations/

https://psychcentral.com/blog/are-yo...-relationship/

My best wishes to you...
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Old 08-16-2018, 03:06 PM   #3
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Default Re: Help please. Is my wife a narcissist?

Regardless of the label, she's clearly afflicted with some sort of pathology and she's also clearly toxic to you. It sounds like you've been through the ringer, it's no wonder you've run out of patience.

Try not to judge yourself too harshly, you've been doing the best you can and honestly she sounds sick as hell to me. It sounds like narcissism is one facet of it but I also see some histrionic traits based on your post also. I can't diagnose anything as I'm not a doctor, but I am someone who's personality disordered and if you have any questions on the what and why and how you can ask me and I can try to give you some insight.

I hope you can find a way out of this that's best for you, because you have to take care of yourself or you won't get anywhere.
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Old 08-23-2018, 10:58 AM   #4
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Default Re: Help please. Is my wife a narcissist?

Thank you so much for the replies. Having some insight into what is happening is a tremendous help.
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Old 01-11-2019, 09:16 PM   #5
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Skeezyks: You are the ultimate information portal of PC! I have benefited from so many of your suggested articles in replies to my own, and other people's posts. Thank you!
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Old 01-11-2019, 11:33 PM   #6
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Default Re: Help please. Is my wife a narcissist?

Agreed, three cheers for the Skeezykx.

Regardless of her clinical diagnosis, she's 31 flavors of bad news. You probably already know on some level that since she cheated on her last two husbands and is wearing provocative clothing to entice "important people", she's cheating on you. My sincere sympathies. Evacuate marriage.

Help please. Is my wife a narcissist?
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Old 01-12-2019, 04:29 AM   #7
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This may sound harsh and I do not mean it to be...
You married the woman who cheated with you- how did you expect to trust her? I mean people can be faithful after cheating but their behavior is much different than it was while cheating. Your wife sounds like she is the exact same way. And her treatment of your daughter is a deal breaker. Never would I let anyone come between me and my kids and I certainly would not be ok with spoiling step children and not helping my own the same way. It is never ok to hit someone no matter how contrite they are. If you had hit her and she called the cops do you think she would have been just as understanding?
The thing is, we teach people how to treat us. If we put up with certain behaviors, then the other person knows that they can keep treating you this way and you will take it. There are no consequences for her actions so why would she change? I do not think it matters if she is a narcissist. I feel like people are quick to slap that label on people with undesirable behavior way to often. Some people are just self centered selfish mean people. I do not think labeling her with a mental illness or personality disorder makes a difference- its just not a healthy way of living. Who's name is on the house? How are your assets split up if something were to happen? Do you have a will?
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Old 01-14-2019, 03:07 AM   #8
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She sounds like a "itch. I also see both Narc and Histrionic traits. NPDs often do not change. Sorry.
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Old 02-06-2019, 10:41 PM   #9
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Atypical_Disaster View Post
Regardless of the label, she's clearly afflicted with some sort of pathology and she's also clearly toxic to you.
Pathological for sure.

Below are some major points you made:

Quote:
Originally Posted by ccrider22 View Post

Anything that takes my attention away from her upsets her or makes her mad.

My wife expects automatic compliance with her wishes. It doesn't matter what I'm doing or how important it is she expects me to drop it and comply with what she wants.

I see where she has very little empathy.

My wife likes to dress very provocatively.

She plays the victim very well and tells everyone how controlling and mentally abusive that I am.

I feel as though I can't ever give her enough or provide her with enough money, vacations or my attention etc etc.

I feel like nothing I ever do is good enough for her. I feel like I live in a world that is just all about her.

I need for someone to tell her that she is a narcissist.
Everything you shared about her is a bad news:

-Constant need for an attention (not just from you but from other men), jealousy, want to isolate you to herself

-The double-standard: She is allowed to get attention from other men, but she doesn't want you to get attention from even your own daughter (Are you kidding me?!)

-Unreasonable and unrealistic demands

-Lack of empathy

-Playing the victim along with psychological projection and smearing

-Self-centeredness

You may want to read this article on what happens when you tell a narcissist she is a narcissist:

Here's What Happens When You Tell Narcissists They're Narcissists Revisited

I want to be optimistic, but I am not sure if she has the capability to admit to anything wrong on her part and take responsibility for it. Of course, that doesn't mean you can't try. Even if it doesn't work out, it may give you peace to know that at least you tried.

Last edited by ennie; 02-06-2019 at 11:08 PM..
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Old 02-07-2019, 11:23 AM   #10
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P.S. Oh, and I meant to say that you are definitely not crazy, since it's not just you, but also other people (your daughter, your mother, etc.) noticing her behavior. I think other people who will get close to her may also start to catch on to it, since these behaviors are manifested in close friendships and family relationships--not just romantic ones. If it hasn't already, it can get to the point where she is not only jealous of people, but even THINGS (such as work or hobby) that takes your attention off of her.

I hope that you find peace one way or the other, that is, whether she changes or you decide to leave. No matter what her diagnoses is, one thing is for certain: No one deserves to be treated like that.
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