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Old 05-01-2017, 07:06 PM   #1
Manaolana98
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Default No Contact: help?!

Hi all,

I hope this question doesn't come across as offensive (not my intention at all, just wanting some experience-based advice). I'm currently dealing with a narc in my life, someone who I care about deeply and am very attached to. I made the mistake of googling things when I started noticing him acting differently, so of course this freaked me out because I realized that there was a possibility that he had lied to me for years. He has not been formally diagnosed by a medical doctor, so I am hesitant to really call him a narcissist at all - but at the same time, it is very clear that he is struggling with something, and this is about as close as I can get. He is not like the typical narcissist - he doesn't brag around me, he doesn't put others down, he never manipulated me or coerced me into doing something I wasn't comfortable with, and I can't really discern any area of our relationship that he exploited, other than my emotions. But he is obsessed with his public image, earning money, and he has abandoned me several times (on third round currently). Every time we reunite there is some excuse, usually that his phone broke and he had no way to reach me - but I know this is false, because he could easily reach me on social media if his phone was broken and was even actively posting on platforms during the abandonment period. I am beginning to sense that there were some things he lied to me about, and I'm wondering if there has been someone else in the picture all along.

My question is, how effective is going "no contact?" Every website I read says that narcs are beyond help and I should walk away - I don't agree. I'm not an expert, but my gut tells me there's more here to the story than him just being selfish. Whether you've gone no contact or been on its receiving end, did it really solve anything? I'm just trying to reconcile it, but I can't seem to feel confident doing it - but that's what everything that I read says to do! Thoughts? I'm feeling pretty lost and confused about the whole situation right now.
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Old 07-28-2017, 03:43 PM   #2
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Hi, I have a daughter who is doing the silent treatment with me and for me it's elderly abuse, but because she is my daughter I don't want to see her go to jail. The abuse laws in my state are very strict. She goes back and forth with her mood swings and her silent treatment. You need to give it some time and also if knows you care about him then he knows that he won't lose you, if you ignore him and let him think and wonder what's going on with you then he may come back and realize you are worth something
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Old 01-22-2018, 04:43 PM   #3
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Default Re: No Contact: help?!

No Contact is not about getting the Narcissist to wake up to what they have done, or to "come to their senses." It's also not about punishing them for what they did. No contact is about cutting off the person who has hurt you and will continue to hurt you, and finding healing. You cannot heal while in contact. You cannot heal while stalking them and seeing what they're doing and who they're with on social media. You cannot heal by being "friends." The only way you can heal is to make a clean break.

Thus, no contact. It is for you. It helps you to let go completely and heal without any more interference from them. It's very hard to do, but it's the most efficient way out.
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Old 01-27-2018, 11:58 AM   #4
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How do I heal and go on knowing I have a son and grandsons who are being messed with by the narc.....
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Old 03-25-2018, 12:00 PM   #5
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Default Re: No Contact: help?!

Quote:
Originally Posted by Mother-in-Law View Post
How do I heal and go on knowing I have a son and grandsons who are being messed with by the narc.....
Welcome to PC.

I'm not sure what led to the ceased communication between all of you. It's beyond frustrating to watch helpless from the sidelines. In my own recovery from domestic abuse, the words of wisdom that stood out to me was that if there is at least one rational caregiver in the family, then the children stand a chance to overcome whatever it is within their homelife.
If your son is going through marital strife because of an illness within his home, would it be possible to let him know that as a silent observer you are there with open arms when the time comes that he seeks support? And to let your grandsons know you are available to them emotionally, spiritually and physically?

Are you connected with a counselor to speak with and help get through the grief and disappointment?
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Old 02-07-2019, 12:47 PM   #6
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Manaolana98 View Post
Hi all,

Whether you've gone no contact or been on its receiving end, did it really solve anything?
Going no-contact (well, more like almost-no-contact since it's a family member whom I bump into from time to time) gave me more peace.

Once I found out she lied to me several times, I decided I don't want to be close to someone whom I cannot trust. I had no interest in investigating what else she lied about, and spend the rest of my life having to constantly worry about this. In other words, what else she lied about is not relevant since she is no longer a part of my daily life.

But it sounds like you want to invest in a relationship with this person. I respect your choice, but I don't know what advice to give you in this case, other than to share from my own experience.
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Old 02-07-2019, 12:50 PM   #7
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Quote:
Originally Posted by gothicpear View Post
No Contact is not about getting the Narcissist to wake up to what they have done, or to "come to their senses." It's also not about punishing them for what they did. No contact is about cutting off the person who has hurt you and will continue to hurt you, and finding healing. You cannot heal while in contact. You cannot heal while stalking them and seeing what they're doing and who they're with on social media. You cannot heal by being "friends." The only way you can heal is to make a clean break.

Thus, no contact. It is for you. It helps you to let go completely and heal without any more interference from them. It's very hard to do, but it's the most efficient way out.
I agree. It's a path to peace.
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