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Old 12-26-2018, 07:34 PM   #1
Msunguided87
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Default Going On From Here

Hello. As the title says, or implies, I'm not sure where to go from here and any advice would be a godsend! Please bare with me, I'm writing this from my phone.

I've been with my partner for 10 years as of December 2. Starting around October I noticed she was on the phone a lot. What really set off the suspicions was I'd just gotten over being sick for 6 weeks and I thought I was catching another cold. I told her but she stayed upstairs on the phone for hours, not checking in on me like she would usually do. I got upset and checked out phone bill to see who she was talking to. Much to my surprise she'd been spending 7+ hours on the phone with one person a day. This is important because my schedule just recently got switched to where we had no sames days off and had around 3-6 hours 2 days of the week to be with each other depending on when we woke up. Anyhow, I naturally thought she was cheating on me. The next day at work, I couldn't hold it in any longer, I asked and was told she wasn't in a good place right now. I assumed this person she was talking to was helping her though this. Problem with being in a same sex relationship, it's hard to know where friend ends and romantic interest starts. I, being a naturally jealous person and having had cheating phone issue in all my prior relationships, became snarky and probably bitter.

Every special day (birthdays, holidays, anniversary... There is in that small period) we seemed to be arguing. Being a masochist it seems, or gut intuition, I started stalking the call logs on T-Mobile knowing what I'd see but I needed to. It was to the point where I was trying to think of a way to record her on the phone so I could listen what was going on. I still want to see her to text messages but that's neither here nor there. I would even constantly ask if she was OK or if anything was wrong because something felt off. Eventually I broke and I confronted her. This 'friend' was getting more time with my girlfriend than I was. There were comments on social media (that actually sleeping has made seem not that big of an issue now) made that didn't seem appropriate. During this Christmas morning showdown, she admitted to me that she had suicidal thoughts but hadn't told anyone. She wanted attention (I'm not very affectionate if it's not initiated) and was getting it from this person. There was also a mention that she didn't feel anything.

This leaves us here. How do I help? I'm angry inside but don't want to guilt trip her which she'll internalize, by talking about how I feel to make things worse. I found her a therapist, told her to put boundaries in place with her 'friend', and trying to listen openly but I also don't want my anger/hurt to turn into resentment. I don't want a pound of flesh but a quarter or eighth would be ok. I say that tongue in cheek... mostly. Do I need a therapist? Is it OK to talk to her about it without triggering something? I don't know. Any advice would help.
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Old 12-27-2018, 02:42 PM   #2
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Hello Msunguided: I noticed this is your first post here on PC. So... welcome to PsychCentral. One additional forum, here on PC, that may be of interest to you would be the relationships & communication forum. Here's a link:

https://forums.psychcentral.com/rela...communication/

I don't believe I'm probably the best member, here on PC, to offer advise with regard to the situation you describe. Hopefully there will be other members who will have some thoughts they can share. In the meantime though here are links to a selection of 9 articles, from Psych Central's archives, that may be of interest, the first (& seventh) by our host Dr. John Grohol, Psy.D:

How Can I Help Someone in My Life Who's Depressed?

Best Things to Say to Someone Who's Depressed

10 Things You Should Say to a Depressed Loved One

What Not to Say to a Depressed Person

https://psychcentral.com/blog/7-poin...nderstandings/

https://psychcentral.com/blog/the-7-...relationships/

https://psychcentral.com/blog/talkin...about-suicide/

https://psychcentral.com/lib/10-ques...event-suicide/

https://blogs.psychcentral.com/careg...forget-to-ask/

I hope you find PC to be of benefit.
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Old 12-28-2018, 05:31 AM   #3
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So I understand properly..1- She was spending tons of time on the phone with another person who could or could not be considered a romantic partner? 2-Or is that your reaction? 3-Your partner is suicidal and reached out to the friend because she felt she couldnt reach out to you?4- She is not the suicidal one but the friend is? is there any chance that your behavior in uncovering this stuff could be considered 'stalkish"? I ask that because that is never ok. Things can suck and it can kill you inside to know the details but when it comes to infidelity stalking IMO isnt ok. If she is the suicidal one I would put all your anger aside, put all your concerns about the friend aside and take her to a psychiatric ER if in crisis or IOP or OP place right away.
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Old 01-30-2019, 05:33 PM   #4
Msunguided87
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Default Re: Going On From Here

Quote:
Originally Posted by sarahsweets View Post
So I understand properly..1- She was spending tons of time on the phone with another person who could or could not be considered a romantic partner? 2-Or is that your reaction? 3-Your partner is suicidal and reached out to the friend because she felt she couldnt reach out to you?4- She is not the suicidal one but the friend is? is there any chance that your behavior in uncovering this stuff could be considered 'stalkish"? I ask that because that is never ok. Things can suck and it can kill you inside to know the details but when it comes to infidelity stalking IMO isnt ok. If she is the suicidal one I would put all your anger aside, put all your concerns about the friend aside and take her to a psychiatric ER if in crisis or IOP or OP place right away.
Thank you for your reply but more has come to light. However, I will answer your questions.

1. I've come to find out the person she was on the phone with was someone she cheated on me with in 2013 that I never knew about until recently.

2. At the time I didn't know. All I had were messages on social media to go off. All I knew is that my girlfriend was on the phone with some other lady and risking our relationship.

3. She said she was but didn't tell anyone but me in that moment after I confronted her.

4. No, her friend is not. In fact, she takes joy in trying to break us up.

Infidelity stalking? I'm afraid I've never heard of that? I'll have to look that up. For the record, I never once violated her privacy. I only looked what was on social media that anyone with my girlfriend's name could see. I had thoughts to do those things because I wanted to know what was happening in my relationship but I didn't carry through with them...

Anyhow, she is fine (as in I helped her find a therapist) but I have a nice big helping of infidelity on my lap and struggling to keep it together.

I do apologize if my response comes off defensive.
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