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Old 10-15-2018, 01:53 PM   #1
Hastings101
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Hello. I'm new here, looking for a little advice and support for a situation with my spouse.

My husband and I have been married a little over two years and he's a wonderful man, but about three months ago, he started what I see now was a spiral downwards. He's struggled some with depression and anxiety and in anger management. He's tried counseling (which he grew frustrated with) and he's seen several psychiatrists and been on a variety of medications. They finally found one that worked, but it caused him to gain 10 pounds, which is a BIG trigger for him. It's sent him into a real depression. He's also got a lot of other stress at the moment.

The last three weeks or so have been awful. Arguments are an almost nightly occurrence. He's broken several items (and our oven door). He's never physically hurt me and I don't believe he would but it still scares me. He also seems delusional. Much of his focus is on my family. He's convinced I love them more than I do him and that my loyalty is to them. He's convinced they don't like him (not true). He also has recently started insisting that I was molested or abused as a child and blocked it out -- something I would never believe. He's preoccupied that he has to "win" against my sister and her husband. They're not even aware there's any problem. He comes across as completely irrational when he gets like this, which makes it hard for me to talk to him. And he gets frustrated easily -- expects people to read his mind. He jumps around all over the place in conversation and then speaks vaguely and if you don't pick up on exactly what he's saying, he loses it. Says no one "gets" him.

All this is causing major stress in our lives and relationship. I love him but I'm at a loss for how to help him. I'm trying to get him in with another psychiatrist. Also setting him up with a dietician to help him get the weight off. I'm doing everything I can think of. Yet I feel like we're building to a crisis and I'm at a loss.

Has anyone been in a situation like this?
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Old 10-16-2018, 12:27 PM   #2
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Hello Hastings: I noticed this is your first post here on PC. So... welcome to PsychCentral. One forum in particular (& one where you might consider posting again with regard to your concern) would be the relationships & communication forum. Here's a link:

https://forums.psychcentral.com/rela...communication/

And then here are links to a selection of 13 articles on several topics, from PsychCentral's archives, that hopefully may be of some help in figuring out how to proceed... the first 2 by our host Dr. John Grohol, Psy.D:

You Can Only Change Yourself

Denial is a Powerful Impediment to Treatment

https://psychcentral.com/blog/11-way...-denial/?all=1

How to Persuade Your Loved One to Seek Professional Help

https://psychcentral.com/lib/how-to-...dium=popular17

https://psychcentral.com/lib/psychotic-depression/

https://blogs.psychcentral.com/bipol...in-depression/

https://blogs.psychcentral.com/careg...dium=popular17

https://blogs.psychcentral.com/careg...hout-fighting/

https://blogs.psychcentral.com/careg...dium=popular17

https://blogs.psychcentral.com/careg...dium=popular17

https://blogs.psychcentral.com/careg...-to-delusions/

https://blogs.psychcentral.com/careg...nes-delusions/

There is also a book (& a YouTube video of a talk by the book's author) I like to suggest in situations such as you describe. The book is titled I'm Not Sick, I Don't Need Help. Here are links first to a review of the book & then to the YouTube video:

http://www.asmfmh.org/resources/publ...ont-need-help/

https://youtu.be/NXxytf6kfPM

I hope you find PC to be of benefit.
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Old 10-17-2018, 12:05 PM   #3
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Thank you very much. The last couple of days have been better and we're going to see a new psychiatrist today. He's also talking about going through anger management counseling, which I think could be beneficial.

I just wish we could really figure out what the problem is and how to treat it. The Abilify he was on really worked well at controlling his tendency towards obsessive, negative thoughts, but the weight gain it caused sent him on a HUGE downward spiral. If we could get that back under control, maybe that will make a difference.
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Old 10-18-2018, 08:51 AM   #4
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Well, things seemed better and then right back down again. My husband has never really been too fond of my family. That's OK. I get it. I don't feel like they have to be buddies.

The thing is, my husband sees everything as a competition. There are always sides. I (and my family) don't see it that way at all -- not in relationships.

Lately, my husband has dealt with a LOT of stress. And a lot of it is centered around the medical community. He's seen multiple psychiatrists over the years and finally found one he liked who seemed helpful. Then that doctor prescribed a medication that caused weight gain (which he'd clearly said was a BIG no-no for him). Then the doctor left the clinic and became virtually unresponsive. Things were looking up when I got him an appointment with another doctor at the old clinic. Then, yesterday, the doctor he was scheduled with got sick and they can't get my husband in until a month later. Meantime, he has run out of his meds. The clinic won't call in a refill until he's seen the doctor. So, round-and-round.

It really soured my husband even more on the medical community. Problem is, I have doctors in my family. No psychiatrists, though. None of them would call in a prescription for him because they're not well-versed enough in those types of medicines and were fearful of causing more harm. They did offer other help, though, through advice and trying to use any contacts they could think of.

That wasn't enough. My husband insisted that meant they didn't care, were only out for money and didn't want to help him because he's in last place among the relatives.

None of that is true. But all this has just dredged up all kinds of problems that have been ongoing: his feelings that my family puts him and his son (my stepson) last. That he doesn't matter. That I always side with my family over him. The last is not true. I am on his side. But he gets very irrational and cruel and plays mind games. If people don't read his mind and do what he thinks they should do (without him saying it), then they fail. If they are given a heads-up and try to help the way he wants, they're being fake. Unless I completely cut my family off, I'm on their side. My parents prefer my sisters to me. My father, grandfather, uncle, someone must have molested me and brainwashed me because there's no other way I'd be so attached to my family.

None of that is true. But I can't convince him otherwise. And I can't feed into his delusions by agreeing with something I know is wrong. When he gets like that, he's really out of control. He's broken things in our house. He's told me he wants a divorce (then backtracks). He's told me he hates my family. He hates me. He feels like hitting me (I truly don't believe he would). He loses control.

I try to stay calm and get him into a better place but I don't know what to do. And I really don't know what to do with the family thing. I'm not cutting them off. They've made some mistakes and there have been some miscommunications, but they do care about us.

I wish he would agree to couples therapy or something like that but he won't. He's convinced talk therapy doesn't work for him -- he's tried it before -- and that they just keep you hooked so they can get more money. He's open to other help, like anger management therapy and he's open to psychiatrists and medicines. He's just having VERY bad luck right now.

I'm getting close to the end of my rope with all this.
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Old 10-18-2018, 05:26 PM   #5
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I am sorry for all that you are going through. You mentioned that you have a step son. How old is he and how is he doing through all of this. It can be hard on children. I can relate to some of the things that you have said. My husband and I have been married for over 25 years. We have 2 small children and 2 older children. Our oldest child knows of my situation and tries to be here for me, but that’s really all I have. He like your husband feels like I take everyone else’s side... even our children. He’s jealous of our children. I hope that you can find someone to turn to for support. My support is this site because I can’t keep turning to my oldest child... I don’t want to ruin their mind against him anymore than it already is. It is good that your husband is willing to see a psychiatrist. I wish you the best
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Old 10-18-2018, 06:56 PM   #6
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Question....when did the anger issues start? Sometimes psych meds can cause this..ie for example if someone with bipolar gets an antidepressant...it can actually trigger mania.
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Old 10-19-2018, 12:47 PM   #7
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Hi Hastings101,
I am sorry you are going through this. You describe the situation eloquently but my guess is living through all of it is one hundred times harder than words can describe. Whilst it all doesn‘t make sense and you are trying to figure out what is going on and why your husband is spiralling out of control, some days and situations more some less....Here are some things I see in your description, and I really mean no harm by saying that, so if it isn‘t helpful consider it just a reflection by a fellow Psych Central member: freaking out over a sick doctor and over medical members of your family observing their professional ethics by not subscribing p-meds isn‘t cool and from what you say you recognize that. You need to not only not feed into that (as you say) but distance yourself from the violent behavior he displays by breaking things. It isn‘t safe for you and probably also not for your stepson. You probably want the best for him by trying to get him meds and therapy but by tolerating that kind of over-the-top behavior you are actually „normalizing“ it. Believe me I know how hard it is to shut him out when you just want to help. But please also believe me that by not recalibrating your standards for what is acceptable i.e healthy behavior around you and your family you are helping him realize that it won‘t be the meds and the p-docs who fix his mental issues but first and foremost he himself.

After 15 years of living with a PD partner myself I often feel I no longer know what a „normal“ reaction to anything is but I have learnt to know what I can‘t tolerate for my own good and sanity. And I have also learnt that nothing, and I mean NOTHING I do matters unless my partner wants his life and our relationship to improve. The first step, and in our case by far the hardest, was for him to recognize that he has to want help
(medication, therapy, accept his diagnosis) and work hard on himself. In hindsight, I know that without that, despite all my love for him, my best intentions, the therapies I had, the dozens of books I read, the forums and help groups I am in, the couple‘s therapy we had ... our relationship would have ended in disaster.

None of this might apply to you and your husband...so please don‘t misunderstand my post to be patronizing. Just a perspective. I truly wish for you and your stepson that your situation gets better and soon!
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Old 10-20-2018, 09:15 PM   #8
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Hi, Hastings101, and welcome to Psych Central! Have you considered going into counseling as one half of a couple? Then you can get insight and support.
By the way, how old is your husband?
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Old 10-24-2018, 10:44 AM   #9
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Emotionlessinohio View Post
I am sorry for all that you are going through. You mentioned that you have a step son. How old is he and how is he doing through all of this. It can be hard on children. I can relate to some of the things that you have said. My husband and I have been married for over 25 years. We have 2 small children and 2 older children. Our oldest child knows of my situation and tries to be here for me, but that’s really all I have. He like your husband feels like I take everyone else’s side... even our children. He’s jealous of our children. I hope that you can find someone to turn to for support. My support is this site because I can’t keep turning to my oldest child... I don’t want to ruin their mind against him anymore than it already is. It is good that your husband is willing to see a psychiatrist. I wish you the best
Thank you. My stepson is almost 8 and it doesn't seem to be getting to him. Much of the arguing happens when he's not with us or when he's in bed. But I know he's aware of problems and that breaks my heart.

I do have a friend I might be able to go to. I used to see a therapist myself for some other issues (like some obsessive-compulsive tendencies that are now under control) but stopped over a year ago. I can't talk to my family because they're part of the problem and I don't want to turn them against him. I've said too much to them already, I fear.

Yes, I'm glad he's willing to see someone. The problem is, he still doesn't trust them and we keep running into ethical and scheduling conflicts. He's convinced my family should be willing to help him and no amount of explaining gets him to understand that, yes, they care. They're just limited in what they can (safely) do.
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Old 10-24-2018, 10:46 AM   #10
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Sometimes psychotic View Post
Question....when did the anger issues start? Sometimes psych meds can cause this..ie for example if someone with bipolar gets an antidepressant...it can actually trigger mania.
The anger issues have always been there -- his whole life, apparently. But it's gotten much worse since the weight gain started and he got off the Ability (which was helping but also caused the weight gain). He can NOT handle feeling "fat." He isn't, but he's been overweight before and has a pathological fear of being that way again.
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