Psych Central

Go Back   Forums at Psych Central > >



advertisement
Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
Old 10-24-2018, 10:47 AM   #11
Hastings101
Junior Member
Hastings101 has no updates.
 
Member Since: Oct 2018
Location: United States
Posts: 12
Default Re: New and a problem

Quote:
Originally Posted by Travelinglady View Post
Hi, Hastings101, and welcome to Psych Central! Have you considered going into counseling as one half of a couple? Then you can get insight and support.
By the way, how old is your husband?
Thank you. I have considered it and he's told me before that he would be very upset if I did. He feels like I would be wasting time and money and airing our problems to some stranger. He also thinks therapists rope you in and keep you "on the hook" so you keep going back to them for years and they can make more money from you. I've found therapy helpful in the past but, again, he thinks I was being duped.

He's 44.
Hastings101 is offline   Reply With Quote

advertisement
Old 10-24-2018, 10:51 AM   #12
Hastings101
Junior Member
Hastings101 has no updates.
 
Member Since: Oct 2018
Location: United States
Posts: 12
Default Re: New and a problem

Quote:
Originally Posted by comethisfar View Post
Hi Hastings101,
I am sorry you are going through this. You describe the situation eloquently but my guess is living through all of it is one hundred times harder than words can describe. Whilst it all doesn‘t make sense and you are trying to figure out what is going on and why your husband is spiralling out of control, some days and situations more some less....Here are some things I see in your description, and I really mean no harm by saying that, so if it isn‘t helpful consider it just a reflection by a fellow Psych Central member: freaking out over a sick doctor and over medical members of your family observing their professional ethics by not subscribing p-meds isn‘t cool and from what you say you recognize that. You need to not only not feed into that (as you say) but distance yourself from the violent behavior he displays by breaking things. It isn‘t safe for you and probably also not for your stepson. You probably want the best for him by trying to get him meds and therapy but by tolerating that kind of over-the-top behavior you are actually „normalizing“ it. Believe me I know how hard it is to shut him out when you just want to help. But please also believe me that by not recalibrating your standards for what is acceptable i.e healthy behavior around you and your family you are helping him realize that it won‘t be the meds and the p-docs who fix his mental issues but first and foremost he himself.

After 15 years of living with a PD partner myself I often feel I no longer know what a „normal“ reaction to anything is but I have learnt to know what I can‘t tolerate for my own good and sanity. And I have also learnt that nothing, and I mean NOTHING I do matters unless my partner wants his life and our relationship to improve. The first step, and in our case by far the hardest, was for him to recognize that he has to want help
(medication, therapy, accept his diagnosis) and work hard on himself. In hindsight, I know that without that, despite all my love for him, my best intentions, the therapies I had, the dozens of books I read, the forums and help groups I am in, the couple‘s therapy we had ... our relationship would have ended in disaster.

None of this might apply to you and your husband...so please don‘t misunderstand my post to be patronizing. Just a perspective. I truly wish for you and your stepson that your situation gets better and soon!
That is all very helpful and I thank you for it. I agree. It is hard to live with. Almost impossible at this point. I'm in constant fear that he'll take another bad turn and we'll end up in an hours-long discussion.

I'm a rational, practical person and I don't really know how to deal with irrational behavior. He can't see it but I can. Some of what he's saying and feeling is, I feel, legitimate and makes sense. But some of it is like he's spiraling. He's trapped in negative thoughts and feelings and can't get out or let things go. And he can't (or won't) accept that he might be wrong or mistaken.

I'm well-aware at this point that it's not normal behavior and that's why I won't give in to him on the medical question and expecting relatives to do things they consider unethical and even dangerous. Unfortunately, that just feeds his anger and sense of betrayal. He feels like he needs me to take his side and for people to side with him just once. Or that's what he says. But I know from experience and from the way he acts that there's really nothing anyone can do that will satisfy him. It's like he's testing everyone and determined that they're all going to fail. Then he can be righteously angry.

Thing is, he admits that he's wrong on some of it and he knows he is. But he can't help it.

I'm hopeful that this new psychiatrist will be able to help and that he will remain open to anger management/couples therapy.

In the meantime, I've made arrangements with a friend to have a safe haven if I need it (he doesn't know where this friend lives). But I hate to abandon him. I very much fear that if I did that, my marriage would be over. And, since I love him, I don't want that. And I don't want him to have what he would see as proof that I don't care about him and always side with my family.

I really appreciate everyone's help and advice. This is a very difficult time and it's a relief to vent to people who understand.
Hastings101 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 10-28-2018, 04:15 PM   #13
comethisfar
Member
 
comethisfar's Avatar
comethisfar has no updates.
 
Member Since: Sep 2014
Posts: 116
3 yr Member
Default New and a problem

Hastings101, yes you are a rational person and you also have deep feelings for your husband. I understand and I hear you. What you wrote in your response could have come straight from my heart, it‘s like a page out of my life at times. The one thing that sometimes averts these terrible anger attacks and lashing out at everyone, blaming everyone else is just to listen and acknowledge that my partner is hurting and - as you say - can‘t help it. I just wish it weren‘t so hard to balance that with withstanding the emotional attacks. I wish you the very best, stay strong and don‘t compromise on the treatment he has to go get for your lives to improve. Sending you the very very best!
A resource that might help you is the book by R. Kreger „Stop Walking on Eggshells“ - some of the behavior you describe is reflected on in the book with some insights I found helpful.
comethisfar is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 10-29-2018, 11:01 AM   #14
Hastings101
Junior Member
Hastings101 has no updates.
 
Member Since: Oct 2018
Location: United States
Posts: 12
Default Re: New and a problem

Thank you, comethisfar. I'll definitely look into that book.

Psychiatrists my husband has seen have said he has depression/anxiety. But when I read about BPD, I see some similarities to him, at least recently. Before, he could be moody, sure, but nothing too bad. It's in the last three-four months that things have been more difficult, particularly the last six weeks or so. I don't know if BPD can wax and wane a bit or if it stays the same all the time.

A lot of his trouble is linked to his weight. He's been overweight before (before I met him) and he lost and kept off over 50 pounds. His mother was very critical of him during his overweight period and has always been vocal about weight issues. (Fat people are lazy and prone to all kinds of health problems, etc.) So, any tick up in the scale sends his mood crashing. He'll decide not to eat all day, which makes him feel even more awful and irritable and makes him lash out more. I'm underweight, which doesn't really help our relationship. But the deciding to not eat may qualify as self-harm, in a way.

My sister was anorexic when we were teens and a lot of his behavior reminds me of hers. But, at the same time, there are other symptoms that predate his weight problems. He's always had anger management issues, according to him.

It's at a point now where I'm afraid every day which husband I'll have (or that he'll change partway through). I live in fear that the word "family" will come up or something having to do with my family will appear and he'll lash out. Or that he'll go on his anti-doctor kick. I can't agree with him. Yes, there are bad doctors. But, no, they're not all only out for money. Not all of them are uncaring. Yet if I don't agree with him and feed into his feelings, then I'm against him and don't really love him.

I plan to pick up that book this afternoon. Here's hoping. Thank you for your support and advice!

Last edited by Hastings101; 10-29-2018 at 11:52 AM..
Hastings101 is offline   Reply With Quote
Reply

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off



All times are GMT -5. The time now is 05:14 AM.


Powered by vBulletin® — Copyright © 2000 - 2019, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.




advertisement

 

The material on this site is for informational purposes only, and is not a substitute for medical advice,
diagnosis or treatment provided by a qualified health care provider. .
Always consult your doctor or mental health professional before trying anything you read here.

 

HomeAbout UsContact UsPrivacy PolicyTerms of UseDisclaimer
Forums HomeCommunity GuidelinesHelp


 
Helplines and Lifelines