Psych Central

There's a Live Chat Happening Now!


Go Back   Forums at Psych Central > >



advertisement
Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
Old 09-20-2018, 12:36 AM   #1
nj_hi
Member
nj_hi has no updates.
 
Member Since: May 2018
Location: Indore India
Posts: 66
My Mood: I am dying a slow painful death and I can see myself getting closer to it eveyday

1 hugs
given
Trig I am dying a slow painful death and I can see myself getting closer to it eveyday

This is physically true, at least. If you've read my past few threads I've started, you will be familiar with my situation.

The best thing about this is that it's not affecting me mentally at all. That is because I have to work everyday and work makes my mind a bit clear about things. The only social interaction that I'm getting is interacting with clients, otherwise I'm just living in a prison without having done anything bad.

To keep my mother quit has become the aim of my life, it seems.

But this has affected me in very bad ways physically. From the past 4 years or so, I smoke 4 packets of cigarettes daily, and I can't afford much good quality cigarettes too. My lungs feel as if they are going to break any time. I can't afford to go to a doctor. I can't tell my mother about this, because I've told her already, and he just waves everything off with a clay explanation of recent woodoo magic done on me.

But the fact is that I'm not able to do anything good to myself because she doesn't let me do anything. As an example, even if I'm brushing my teeth after getting up, she will start shouting, creating disturbances, fighting with neighbours, or even just confront me directly.

In my mind I know a set of rules that she has. If I live according to those, she is happy and does not shout much. If not, she'll almost kill me. This may sound absurd, but I endure her just because I don't want to send her to a mental hospital or psychiatric centre. Maybe you'll think I'm wrong, but I'm just bailing time to have enough money to send her to a good nursing home. But that time seems far away.

I think I'm going to die before I can do that. Someone please help me, tell me what to do.

Last edited by bluekoi; 09-21-2018 at 07:31 PM.. Reason: Add triggger icon.
nj_hi is offline   Reply With Quote

advertisement
Old 09-20-2018, 01:23 AM   #2
Raindropvampire
smiling musical soul
 
Raindropvampire's Avatar
Raindropvampire tired of being tired
 
Member Since: Mar 2010
Location: Indy
Posts: 35,504 (SuperPoster!)
My Mood: I am dying a slow painful death and I can see myself getting closer to it eveyday

8 yr Member
2,043 hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Default Re: I am dying a slow painful death and I can see myself getting closer to it eveyday

If you die before you get her help what good will you have done? You have to take care of you first so that you are in shape to care for her. If she makes your life such hell why not put her in a mental hospital or centre? But think of it as only temporary until you can get her into a good nursing home.
Raindropvampire is offline   Reply With Quote
"Thanks for this!" says:
Old 09-20-2018, 06:37 AM   #3
nj_hi
Member
nj_hi has no updates.
 
Member Since: May 2018
Location: Indore India
Posts: 66
My Mood: I am dying a slow painful death and I can see myself getting closer to it eveyday

1 hugs
given
Default Re: I am dying a slow painful death and I can see myself getting closer to it eveyday

I don't want to put her in a metal hospital because those place are worse than living hell here. She will only go 100% mad if she is just 50% at the present if I put her there. Moreover, I did talk to some officials once when she beat me up very bad. All they told me is that I need to handle the situation myself, because they're not going to do anything. They only know one thing and that is how to catch criminal, and since she is not a criminal, they can't help.

I appreciate that honesty. It's not their fault. I can't change the system, I can't change the way things are. All I can do i change myself and my mum's life.

But how?
nj_hi is offline   Reply With Quote
"Thanks for this!" says:
Hugs from:
Old 09-20-2018, 06:39 AM   #4
nj_hi
Member
nj_hi has no updates.
 
Member Since: May 2018
Location: Indore India
Posts: 66
My Mood: I am dying a slow painful death and I can see myself getting closer to it eveyday

1 hugs
given
Default Re: I am dying a slow painful death and I can see myself getting closer to it eveyday

And how do I prevent myself from getting more and more unhealthy every day? I can't sit five minutes without smoking a cigarette, because she constantly keeps putting tension and pressure in all her various ways and I can't deal with it when I'm clean, like, juts myself without any support. Cigarettes have become my mental support.

I've started to feel very weak. Breathing problems, chest pains, coughing, sneezing all day. I can't bear it.
nj_hi is offline   Reply With Quote
"Thanks for this!" says:
Hugs from:
Old 09-20-2018, 08:31 AM   #5
unaluna
Elder Harridan x-hankster
 
unaluna's Avatar
unaluna - Lee Van Cleef fangirl
 
Member Since: Jun 2011
Location: Milan/Michigan
Posts: 30,060 (SuperPoster!)
My Mood: I am dying a slow painful death and I can see myself getting closer to it eveyday

5 yr Member
39.6k hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Default Re: I am dying a slow painful death and I can see myself getting closer to it eveyday

Yes, she regrets life. Does this mean you must also?

Why do you think she would be able to act normally to her carers in a nursing home? I think she would yell at them too.

Somehow the tables must be turned. I wish i had advice for you. I left my mother. She did not even act as loudly as yours, but i too felt my body could not take it anymore. It was her or me. If i had stayed, i would have died from stress. But it was easier for me to leave, as she did not take care of me when i was small, my father did.
unaluna is offline   Reply With Quote
"Thanks for this!" says:
Old 09-20-2018, 08:53 AM   #6
nj_hi
Member
nj_hi has no updates.
 
Member Since: May 2018
Location: Indore India
Posts: 66
My Mood: I am dying a slow painful death and I can see myself getting closer to it eveyday

1 hugs
given
Default Re: I am dying a slow painful death and I can see myself getting closer to it eveyday

Quote:
Originally Posted by unaluna View Post
Yes, she regrets life. Does this mean you must also?

Why do you think she would be able to act normally to her carers in a nursing home? I think she would yell at them too.

Somehow the tables must be turned. I wish i had advice for you. I left my mother. She did not even act as loudly as yours, but i too felt my body could not take it anymore. It was her or me. If i had stayed, i would have died from stress. But it was easier for me to leave, as she did not take care of me when i was small, my father did.
I think that she may be calmer in a nursing home because she will not have any reasons left to shout, after some time. But I may be completely wrong.

I can't even bear to think of leaving her. In my case, she has brought me up as a single parent. I've seen her working hard and spending her whole time in tension to bring me up. As much as I sometimes hate her for doing what she does to me, I get softened when I see her shouting senseless things, crying sometimes. I hate myself, I hate my life.

I had some hopes and aspirations of a good life when I was smaller. But not now. I've become something of a living dead person, who just finds enjoyment in work, sleep, food and just being with myself.

I can't bear to socialise. I want to, sometimes. But I have become dead inside, it seems. But not bad, in a good way I think. At least I'm functional and that's what matters I think.

She just had a fight with a neighbor downstairs. She had, by mistake (truthfully by mistake) let a bag of trash fall out of the balcony, and it ended up in the driveway below, and a lady from below started shouting to her. She shouted back, argued her way, got into a rage, then I came there and calmed the situation down. She went inside without me telling her to and kept quite.

But I got angry. I know one thing, and it is that that lady (the woman who shouted on my mother) would not have had the courage to shout at my mother if my mother was not behaving like she does every other day. Now, whenever I have to face that lady, I will have to hear out long rants about how my mother behaves, etc. And that's all my mother's fault. I pointed this out to my mother instantly. How can I save her if she is ****ing all things herself? I have no power on others if you're yourself wrong.

Then she started saying bad words to me. She started fighting with me. I put up a fight too, in the hope that she will understand what I'm saying. But NO she will NOT understand. She came up to me and slapped me in the face. I got angry, but I would not have slapped her back, but I know that if I allow her to hit me without me hitting her back, she will increase these things and start hitting me every day. The last time I endured her without hitting back, she started threatening me to hit me with a cricket bat.

So I can't let her hit me.
Possible trigger:
She threatens to break this laptop from which I'm typing this, the only device I have that connects to the internet. If I lose this laptop I don't have money to buy a new one.

The tension in which I'm living, I've become numb now. I just wish I was dead, death seems at least a state in which her shouts will not be able to disturb me at least.

Last edited by bluekoi; 09-21-2018 at 07:27 PM.. Reason: Apply trigger code.
nj_hi is offline   Reply With Quote
Hugs from:
Old 09-20-2018, 09:07 AM   #7
unaluna
Elder Harridan x-hankster
 
unaluna's Avatar
unaluna - Lee Van Cleef fangirl
 
Member Since: Jun 2011
Location: Milan/Michigan
Posts: 30,060 (SuperPoster!)
My Mood: I am dying a slow painful death and I can see myself getting closer to it eveyday

5 yr Member
39.6k hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Default Re: I am dying a slow painful death and I can see myself getting closer to it eveyday

Well, she came in from the confrontation with the neighbor and was quiet. But from that point, it was you who got loud. Did yelling at her make things better? No, it made things worse.

You were anxious to point out it was truly an accident, but still you yelled at her. That doesnt make sense to me. There was no reason, if it was an accident, to yell at her. You were just taking out your anger on her - it is okay to be angry, but not to take it out on another person. You were acting like a mean husband. I dont think thats what you want to do, but that is probably the cultural example you see every day.
unaluna is offline   Reply With Quote
"Thanks for this!" says:
Old 09-20-2018, 04:36 PM   #8
nj_hi
Member
nj_hi has no updates.
 
Member Since: May 2018
Location: Indore India
Posts: 66
My Mood: I am dying a slow painful death and I can see myself getting closer to it eveyday

1 hugs
given
Default Re: I am dying a slow painful death and I can see myself getting closer to it eveyday

Quote:
Originally Posted by unaluna View Post
Well, she came in from the confrontation with the neighbor and was quiet. But from that point, it was you who got loud. Did yelling at her make things better? No, it made things worse.

You were anxious to point out it was truly an accident, but still you yelled at her. That doesnt make sense to me. There was no reason, if it was an accident, to yell at her. You were just taking out your anger on her - it is okay to be angry, but not to take it out on another person. You were acting like a mean husband. I dont think thats what you want to do, but that is probably the cultural example you see every day.
You see, I'm worried that if she continues this way, things will escalate one day and she will end up in jail or something. I don't want that to happen. I was trying to point her mistake out to her, that's all.

I was not yelling at the beginning, just saying with force about what she should not do. But she has a habit that she won't listen to anybody that points out her mistake. She won't EVER agree that she is wrong. She is ALWAYS RIGHT. And that's why she does not get better.

I do feel guilty sometimes after yelling at her, but I think I should not, because, SHE KEEPS YELLING AND CURSING AT ME WHENEVER SHE WANTS, FOR NO REASON. Why should I not do it when I have the right reasons to do? I am living with her 24x7 she does not let me go out. She does not even let me go to the gym. I hate my life. And she gets in fights with neighbours every other day. What should I do?

Ummm... cultural example that I see every day? I don't think so. I don't see anybody fighting in their houses except the two of us. This is not our basic culture. It does not even make sense. Why does she have to pick fights with the neighbours every other day?

I have not seen my father since I was 2-3 years old. My mother separated from him when I was that age and we never saw each other. So if you mean, by cultural example, that I have seen my father do it, then no, I've never seen my father behave that way with my mother, just because they've not been together for much long.

And why did she have to slap me in the face? Advance on my as if she was going to kick the hell out of me? What inspires such behaviour in her? I think I know why. Because she does not like hearing her mistake.

No one likes hearing their mistake all the time. But sometimes, you need to accept that you're wrong, otherwise you can't improve. And that's the point. She has been like this from my childhood just because she does not accept her mistakes.

Last edited by nj_hi; 09-20-2018 at 04:50 PM..
nj_hi is offline   Reply With Quote
Hugs from:
Old 09-20-2018, 04:53 PM   #9
nj_hi
Member
nj_hi has no updates.
 
Member Since: May 2018
Location: Indore India
Posts: 66
My Mood: I am dying a slow painful death and I can see myself getting closer to it eveyday

1 hugs
given
Default Re: I am dying a slow painful death and I can see myself getting closer to it eveyday

It's 3 AM in the morning and I don't have any cigs. I am just waiting each minute so that it is 4 AM and I can get cigs. I can't believe that this has become the life I live. It's all because of that nonsensical piece of ****. She wouldn't let me be happy, do anything like exercise or just walking regularly, because she creates so much drama in the house that all I can do is sit quietly in a corner with my computer, just wishing she would stop.

Yes, if you're wondering, mostly I'm quiet. I get loud only when I lose my temper, and that happens about once a week.
nj_hi is offline   Reply With Quote
Hugs from:
Old 09-20-2018, 05:03 PM   #10
nj_hi
Member
nj_hi has no updates.
 
Member Since: May 2018
Location: Indore India
Posts: 66
My Mood: I am dying a slow painful death and I can see myself getting closer to it eveyday

1 hugs
given
Default Re: I am dying a slow painful death and I can see myself getting closer to it eveyday

unaluna I think you've hit the nail on the head with that "She regrets life".

But, does she really regret life? That must mean she really does not like being alive. Do you think so? I sometimes see her talking the way she does and see her eyes are empty without any happiness, hope or love. She is just hanging in there. And I can't bear to see her like this.

I get very sad when I see her almost lifeless. What should I do? What can I do? My whole childhood I've seen her sad and now she's empty too. It makes me feel wretched. It makes me think of this world we live in as a piece of ****. The society that we've built is worthless if it wasn't able to help innocent people like my mother be happy. I can't think of what I want to, or what I should, do.
nj_hi is offline   Reply With Quote
Hugs from:
Reply

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off



All times are GMT -5. The time now is 08:33 PM.


Powered by vBulletin® — Copyright © 2000 - 2019, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.




advertisement

 

The material on this site is for informational purposes only, and is not a substitute for medical advice,
diagnosis or treatment provided by a qualified health care provider. .
Always consult your doctor or mental health professional before trying anything you read here.

 

HomeAbout UsContact UsPrivacy PolicyTerms of UseDisclaimer
Forums HomeCommunity GuidelinesHelp


 
Helplines and Lifelines