Psych Central

Go Back   Forums at Psych Central > >



advertisement
Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
Old 09-20-2018, 05:16 PM   #11
unaluna
Elder Harridan x-hankster
 
unaluna's Avatar
unaluna - Lee Van Cleef fangirl
 
Member Since: Jun 2011
Location: Milan/Michigan
Posts: 30,084 (SuperPoster!)
My Mood: I am dying a slow painful death and I can see myself getting closer to it eveyday

5 yr Member
39.7k hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Question Re: I am dying a slow painful death and I can see myself getting closer to it eveyday

But see, you were reacting to OTHER THINGS, not just the trash in the driveway. Your reaction carried the weight of everything bad that had ever happened.

Trying to fix it in ONE conversation is like - a fat man trying to get thin by eating one piece of fruit one day, and expecting to be thin the next day. No - he would have to eat properly for a year in order to become thin.

So - in order for you and your mother to have a kind relationship between the two of you, every interaction would have to be kind.

I do not say she did right in throwing the trash. But she was quiet when you came in. Perhaps - probably she knew she did wrong and it would upset you.

But i would say - do not try to protect her from the neighbors. It is their affair with her. You cannot hide how she is from them. But you CAN be kind, regardless of how she is. They may be more inclined to help you if they see that you are ONLY kind to her, and never yell at her. Let HER be cruel, if she must. You do not have to be. It teaches her nothing. I wish i could explain it better.

I lived in relative harmony with my mother for three years when i was 50 years old and got fired from a good job. She laughed at me, mocked me, and treated me like a child. She even passed gas in my face. I dont get that your mother is cruel like this to you, but both our mothers believe(d) in evil eye which is hard to argue with, i know! And in modern america, it is even worse. I just held on until i could escape, but i admit i was a mess then. Hardly human.
unaluna is offline   Reply With Quote

advertisement
Old 09-20-2018, 05:18 PM   #12
unaluna
Elder Harridan x-hankster
 
unaluna's Avatar
unaluna - Lee Van Cleef fangirl
 
Member Since: Jun 2011
Location: Milan/Michigan
Posts: 30,084 (SuperPoster!)
My Mood: I am dying a slow painful death and I can see myself getting closer to it eveyday

5 yr Member
39.7k hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Default Re: I am dying a slow painful death and I can see myself getting closer to it eveyday

P.s. my mother too was ALWAYS RIGHT.
unaluna is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 09-21-2018, 07:06 PM   #13
nj_hi
Member
nj_hi has no updates.
 
Member Since: May 2018
Location: Indore India
Posts: 66
My Mood: I am dying a slow painful death and I can see myself getting closer to it eveyday

1 hugs
given
Default Re: I am dying a slow painful death and I can see myself getting closer to it eveyday

Quote:
Originally Posted by unaluna View Post
But see, you were reacting to OTHER THINGS, not just the trash in the driveway. Your reaction carried the weight of everything bad that had ever happened.

Trying to fix it in ONE conversation is like - a fat man trying to get thin by eating one piece of fruit one day, and expecting to be thin the next day. No - he would have to eat properly for a year in order to become thin.

So - in order for you and your mother to have a kind relationship between the two of you, every interaction would have to be kind.

I do not say she did right in throwing the trash. But she was quiet when you came in. Perhaps - probably she knew she did wrong and it would upset you.

But i would say - do not try to protect her from the neighbors. It is their affair with her. You cannot hide how she is from them. But you CAN be kind, regardless of how she is. They may be more inclined to help you if they see that you are ONLY kind to her, and never yell at her. Let HER be cruel, if she must. You do not have to be. It teaches her nothing. I wish i could explain it better.

I lived in relative harmony with my mother for three years when i was 50 years old and got fired from a good job. She laughed at me, mocked me, and treated me like a child. She even passed gas in my face. I dont get that your mother is cruel like this to you, but both our mothers believe(d) in evil eye which is hard to argue with, i know! And in modern america, it is even worse. I just held on until i could escape, but i admit i was a mess then. Hardly human.
You're so right. I will have to be patient enough. I think I mess things up myself, sometimes.

As to the neighbours, yes they do help me. They are good and understanding. They know the time I'm going through. I had made good friendships here in the neighbourhood, but my mother had started shouting curse words to my friend's mother and sister, so bad things she said to them that it become unbearable for me and them. Finally her sister's boyfriend confronted me one day and said bad words to me. He threatened me to close all the doors and windows of my house so my mother can't have to go anywhere. After that day, I never talked to my friend. Because I knew they had also gone out of their limits. I mean, they don't have the right to tell me what to do in my house. I told him this to his face. These people regularly make fun of my mother. They try to appear understanding to me but I can see through them now: They enjoy seeing my mother like she is. They are not good people.

But at least they stop when I intervene. Once these people were shouting about water usage and whatnot and my mother was just cleaning the house. I went downstairs and told them off for making a scene out of no reason. They stopped abruptly at least then.

There is one person who seems very understanding. But after seeing the reality of these people, I am unable to have faith in any people or friend.

Your mother made fun of you in your face when you left a good job. My mother does this kind of behaviour almost daily. She has no appreciation of the hard work I put in to my work, and that's nothing, compared to what she says sometimes. She calls me a ***** so loudly that the whole colony listens. She shouts at me to desert the house because its not my house, etc. She aggravates me a lot sometimes. But recently I've got a better hold on myself.

Although I'm starting to feel just like you said, less human. I don't feel good or bad much. I don't have a good day anymore. I don't like eating food, only eat it when I'm hungry enough. I don't even like anything. I'm slowly becoming senseless.

I'm very sorry to hear that this has happened with you as well, I can just offer you my hugs https://pcforums-liviant.netdna-ssl....milies/hug.gif and the only thought that keeps me going: I haven't done anything wrong, either morally or any other way. On the other hand, I'm strong on the inside just because I know that I have done the right thing every second of my life, or at least tried my best to. It's just the love of my own work that keeps me going.
nj_hi is offline   Reply With Quote
Hugs from:
Old 09-21-2018, 07:10 PM   #14
nj_hi
Member
nj_hi has no updates.
 
Member Since: May 2018
Location: Indore India
Posts: 66
My Mood: I am dying a slow painful death and I can see myself getting closer to it eveyday

1 hugs
given
Default Re: I am dying a slow painful death and I can see myself getting closer to it eveyday

When I had got a regular job, I used to face hell every Saturday & Sunday at home. When I had to leave a job and apply for a new one, she used to call me while I was in the interview and start yelling things to me (that's the way I learnt to keep my phone silent when in interviews hahah).

She never used to do anything while I was on my job during the day. When I got back, it was the same gloomy as hell atmosphere with she hanging like a corpse in it. I always tried to cheer her up. She would not have made any food, so I went to the hotels and got good food for us to eat. She would sometimes eat heartily but sometimes eat not after it had went cold. After eating, she would be back to normal for a bit, and then, after a couple of hours, back to her old behaviour of mentally harassing me with false stories and whatnot.
nj_hi is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 09-21-2018, 07:11 PM   #15
nj_hi
Member
nj_hi has no updates.
 
Member Since: May 2018
Location: Indore India
Posts: 66
My Mood: I am dying a slow painful death and I can see myself getting closer to it eveyday

1 hugs
given
Default Re: I am dying a slow painful death and I can see myself getting closer to it eveyday

Quote:
Originally Posted by unaluna View Post
P.s. my mother too was ALWAYS RIGHT.
I have my sympathies to you here. I know how hard it is to love with a person who thinks that they are always right.

But how did it end? Or has it ended or not? Has she gotten better in your case, or have you completely separated from her?
nj_hi is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 09-21-2018, 08:34 PM   #16
unaluna
Elder Harridan x-hankster
 
unaluna's Avatar
unaluna - Lee Van Cleef fangirl
 
Member Since: Jun 2011
Location: Milan/Michigan
Posts: 30,084 (SuperPoster!)
My Mood: I am dying a slow painful death and I can see myself getting closer to it eveyday

5 yr Member
39.7k hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Default Re: I am dying a slow painful death and I can see myself getting closer to it eveyday

I left. And after about 8 years, she died. During those 8 years, i gradually had less and less contact with her. She died about 3 years ago. But i am much older than you, i am 66. Still, she grieved me all my life. I had some little peace near the end, but only when she died did i realize how afraid i had been of her. There was so much bad feeling there.

I wonder if she would go to a psychiatrist "for you". My mother went one time because she believed i was saying all the wrong things (of course!), and she wanted to tell him the right things. It did help me see things more clearly, and set me more strongly in my path.

My parents were from the old country, so they would often say that something is just your fate. Americans dont usually follow that. If they can change things, they try to. But the usual saying is that you cannot change what the other person does, you can only change what you yourself do. First you change your own behavior - then sometimes the other person will react to your leadership. But as you describe her, she is no longer the leader of this family. Only how to make her understand this? Even if you got a wife, she would make your wife miserable also, being so bossy and unreasonable. Can a priest talk to her?
unaluna is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 09-22-2018, 03:33 AM   #17
nj_hi
Member
nj_hi has no updates.
 
Member Since: May 2018
Location: Indore India
Posts: 66
My Mood: I am dying a slow painful death and I can see myself getting closer to it eveyday

1 hugs
given
Default Re: I am dying a slow painful death and I can see myself getting closer to it eveyday

I am scared to leave because 1. She does not have any money. 2. Even if I regularly give her enough money she won't be able to manage herself properly. 3. She will start going more and more mad - at least she stays in a bit control when she sees me as an activity in the house. She would surely end up in a jail or mental hospital if I left her alone, at least that's what I think.

Was your mother able to manage her life alone after you left, to some extent at least? It must have been painful for you to leave her, I'm sorry for you. Problem is that I know that she is not doing this intentionally to me. she is the best mother in the world for me, but she is tired of her own life. She has no friends, no one to talk to, no work to do. She becomes highly restless having nothing to do.

I'm like that - I will change something for good if I think that can be changed and if I have the power to do it. I know that I can only change myself, and I feel that I am changing myself as much as I can for her. Yes I am scared to even fall in love with someone, because I know I won't be able to marry because my mother will make her life a living hell too.

In India, mostly the priests are money hungry hoaxes themselves. They will just suggest you to do a few rituals for some amount of money, and nothing happens after it too. We've tried it all.
nj_hi is offline   Reply With Quote
Hugs from:
Old 09-22-2018, 04:33 AM   #18
unaluna
Elder Harridan x-hankster
 
unaluna's Avatar
unaluna - Lee Van Cleef fangirl
 
Member Since: Jun 2011
Location: Milan/Michigan
Posts: 30,084 (SuperPoster!)
My Mood: I am dying a slow painful death and I can see myself getting closer to it eveyday

5 yr Member
39.7k hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Default Re: I am dying a slow painful death and I can see myself getting closer to it eveyday

Yes, my mother managed. She was always happier outside the house than inside. I did not make her happy. She was ashamed of me because i am fat, i am divorced, and i do not have any children. Yet, she too expected to "come along" if i did get married again, and that more than anything probably hindered my remarrying.

I am beginning to agree with you. A nursing home, although she is probably not even that old? But she needs care, as she cannot initiate taking care of herself. Like taking care of the home. But how to explain that to her, in a way she understands?
unaluna is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 09-22-2018, 06:28 AM   #19
nj_hi
Member
nj_hi has no updates.
 
Member Since: May 2018
Location: Indore India
Posts: 66
My Mood: I am dying a slow painful death and I can see myself getting closer to it eveyday

1 hugs
given
Default Re: I am dying a slow painful death and I can see myself getting closer to it eveyday

I suspect sometimes that she doesn't want me to ever get married because that would make her feel all the more lonely.

I have just one question with myself. And that is, has my mother been like this from her childhood? At least her parents (my grandparents) tell me so. But, from my childhood, I've been seeing for real that how unhumanely her parents behaved with her. I think that's the reason why she is like that.

And that's why I would feel bad to leave her. She worked tirelessly, when I was a small child, to provide for my education because no other would help. She put me in one of the best and costliest schools in my city so that I get a good education, just so that I don't get a childhood that she got. I can't leave her like that. I want her to get better. Sometimes my efforts seem to work. But mostly I myself become confused, distracted and depressed to do anything.

Once we talked about her going and living to a place like a nursing home. But we weren't clear about where she would go. That was the problem then, and that's the problem now. It is very difficult, at least in India, for a woman to survive alone.

Currently she is getting VERY angry and frustrated with her life. I am scared at what will happen. She just sits there and does nothing all day. It's been like that from years. She only gets up to make food grudgingly. She does not involve herself in any hobby or work. She can't concentrate on any good thing for more than 2 minutes. Just sits there and curses all people we've met till now.

I have become hopeless. I can't concentrate on my work. I can't get myself to work. I just want to escape.
nj_hi is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 09-22-2018, 09:14 AM   #20
unaluna
Elder Harridan x-hankster
 
unaluna's Avatar
unaluna - Lee Van Cleef fangirl
 
Member Since: Jun 2011
Location: Milan/Michigan
Posts: 30,084 (SuperPoster!)
My Mood: I am dying a slow painful death and I can see myself getting closer to it eveyday

5 yr Member
39.7k hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Default Re: I am dying a slow painful death and I can see myself getting closer to it eveyday

So she liked to work and be useful once. She probably would again, but at a slower pace. And not feeling obligated to do so. I know i am very lazy in my old age! Do you take walks together? I am wondering, how can she make a friend?
unaluna is offline   Reply With Quote
Reply

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off



All times are GMT -5. The time now is 11:35 PM.


Powered by vBulletin® — Copyright © 2000 - 2019, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.




advertisement

 

The material on this site is for informational purposes only, and is not a substitute for medical advice,
diagnosis or treatment provided by a qualified health care provider. .
Always consult your doctor or mental health professional before trying anything you read here.

 

HomeAbout UsContact UsPrivacy PolicyTerms of UseDisclaimer
Forums HomeCommunity GuidelinesHelp


 
Helplines and Lifelines