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Old 09-18-2018, 05:11 PM #21
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Default Re: Setting and enforcing boundaries - Protecting Myself....

Quote:
Originally Posted by LuckyCupofTea View Post
I appreciate the kind words...but as I write this, I wonder if I deserve the praise....because I think I am really becoming the person that may have to truly walk away for her own good and self preservation. It does feel like abandonment. It's hard because while he DEFINITELY has the ability to make choices (ex: spend money, work part time, spend lots of time with friends, smoke a lot of weed....he used to mow the lawn and do projects with me...now I'm doing EVERYTHING).....He does still have a childish sense about him...and not just in that he acts like a teenager. Things are black and white.
[I think] that he thinks that we are "arguing a lot" but...we aren't talking at all. He completely stopped talking to me for a month but lived at home and then when I confronted him he told me to "go away".

So here is an update:
The same things continued to go on. He was spending a lot of time with this "former" druggie friend whose brother just died of an unknown cause. My husband was getting home really late. Still just living either in the basement or guest room. Tissues all over the floor. Clothing everywhere. I basically stopped cleaning up after him and let him have a space....disgusting.

He refused to talk. Each time I would see him (every few days), I'd ask when he was moving out. He said that there was a trailer on a the farm where he works...and that a girl currently lives there and is moving out. He says she is a "hippie" and therefore won't give him a date. So his answers to me were "I don't know" and... "I've already told you. Don't ask me again!"

I hadn't seen my husband for about 2 days and I got home from my therapist appointment...there he was laying on the basement couch with the video game system on in the background. I asked if he could get up for a moment so that we could talk. He said "no." I said...."we need to talk. I need to know when you are moving out. This isn't fair to me". He said nothing.
I continued-"listen...this sucks for BOTH of us...but we need to move forward and not live in limbo." He said "GO UPSTAIRS". This went on for a while. Finally when I refused to go upstairs he got up and "took" me to the stairs. I was like "what is wrong with you? Do NOT touch me. I do not want to HAVE you removed by the police"

So that was horrible. Heated, sad, horrible. Not surprising.
I texted his mother who is in another state to reiterate that he is unstable and volatile. She of course called me and said she would come to town after the hurricane subsided and "get him to go to the hospital".

That's a new one. Last time I tried to convince him to go to the hospital...it was what I thought was one of the worst 2 weeks of my life. He wouldn't budge...he said "I've got this". Right....

He even said that as an answer when we were in couples therapy. The therapist (knowing my husband's mental illness background etc) asked him something...and my husband said "I got this" and the therapist was like "what exactly have you got....what is --this--"...to which he had no reply.

My mother in law likes to come to town and try to help my husband. I think she thinks she will preserve the relationship. She tells me she's sorry I am going through this and hopes my husband will "rejoin" the relationship and planet earth. She doesn't seem to grasp that I've just about given up.

Moving on--So the day after my husband's massive explosion....the next day he called me while I was at work and said nonchalantly that he was going to temporarily move in with a friend until this other place was ready. I asked him questions about it...he hung up. When I got home he was on the couch playing video games. I cried in the other room as he packed up his tv, video games, and some clothing and left. He hasn't been back since. He has a lot of stuff at the house still.

He told me that it is the "first step" towards reconciliation. What? No. We have in my mind been separated for a few weeks at this point, even with him living at the house technically. NO relationship.

I'm devastated. Sure. I can talk about this logically. I am just typing after all. I can hold my sh** together at work for the most part and even with friends as I describe my situation....but at home...I'm crying. Right now at my desk...I could easily cry.

It's so hard. I'm so confused. The man that I love is only present mentally about 50% of the time or less. Other times he's out of it, at friend's....zoning out, sleeping, in the hospital, avoiding me...lying to me...

And yet I think of the way he used to and OCCASIONALLY still does look at me. I think of his laugh. I think about the wonderful adventures we have had. His amazing story-telling....his smile...the way he gets when I give him a gift....the projects we have done around the house..

Then I think about how lying has become "our" normal. I don't trust a word he says pretty much. The fact that he doesn't take the time to think about me and my needs and doesn't have the capacity to fulfill those needs.

I am in love with someone who doesn't have the capacity to fulfill my needs. Additionally--he smokes a lot of weed, spends all of the money he makes while I pay every bill, lies, spends more time with friends than me...thinks just living at the same house means spending time together....

AND I STILL LOVE HIM. He's been around since I was 16 and we started dating when I was 18. I'm 30 now. The relationship has been a roller coaster from DAY 1.

I'm a mess.

And then legally I want to cover myself...but I don't want to call a real attorney because I don't know what's going on right now. I want to protect myself financially. he's not on any of my account, but I'm on one of his (since he can't manage money...or won't). He doesn't use a bank pretty much. He cashes checks and spends the money that way...but he's on the same car insurance. Should we have a separation agreement (there is no legal separation in my state --PA)?

I considered asking this to my attorney aunt. She's a real estate attorney but would probably have a friend to ask. I just don't want to involve anyone else in this.:-(

I make all decisions. I think that also is what is so hard. Sure...he's not trying to make any steps to make things better...but he would never initiate any legal paperwork...he doesn't want this.....

I don't want this but I might need it. As you can see--I am really on a wacky, confused emotional mountain and am not sure how to navigate. I asked him to move out because we had no relationship. I MISS the TINY amount of moments we have had. If I could have that version of him all the time...even 75% of the time....but....that's not an option.

Our lives are so intertwined.
We bought this house together a year ago.
All my money.
He has a lot of stuff in the house.
:-( I don't know what I'll do if/when he really really moves his stuff out.......

I also still worry about him being a danger to himself. I think any moment he could snap and hurt himself. It sucks.

That's what it comes down to. I wish I had a guide....
"idiot's guide to screwed up, one-sided relationships with person with serious mental illness"
If you find one, can you send me a copy?????

Your situation is no kidding so similar to mine. My husband can't function well enough to bring money home. He blames me for him being in this state. I'm raising two kids... on my own. There are many many moments it's utterly unbearable. I've asked him to leave numerous times and he NEVER will. I've threatened divorce and he got nasty. He scared me so I decided to play nice.... We've had bad fights just like you describe.

I hear ya. I do. It's so hard! Everything is one sided. It's so lonely. That's why I have to shut off. I do that pretty well. The only time he comes back is when I shut off.
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Old 01-23-2019, 04:58 AM #22
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Default Re: Setting and enforcing boundaries - Protecting Myself....

Quote:
Originally Posted by JNNFE View Post
One of the things I heard about people like me, who struggle with codependency and setting boundaries, is that we have become addicted to "helping." The person who is consuming our lives has become our own addiction.
-yes! I have this problem w my h. I have to set firm boundaries and be willing to split up or he lies about really big things in his medical condition and finances.
Setting Boundaries you will stick to is the main solution here.
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Old 01-23-2019, 05:16 AM #23
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Default Re: Setting and enforcing boundaries - Protecting Myself....

Please hold this thought in yr mind: normal men wont act like this, wont treat you like this. You can have a happy life. Many people w addictions just dont get over them, especially if they wont go to AA or whatever is appropriate for getting help. We had to draw the line with my alcoholic father and my mother did remarry. You are so used to the misery that its hard to break free. You feel like if YOU do the right thing, everything will be OK. That kind of thinking is a horrible trap.
Keep going to your therapist, do the separation and stick to it. Make a list of what you want in a guy and stick to it. Join some activities to meet men who like the things you do. That works better than random online dating and men treat you better when they are accountable to a group of friends who know what they are doing.
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Old 01-23-2019, 11:18 AM #24
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Default Re: Setting and enforcing boundaries - Protecting Myself....

Quote:
Originally Posted by luvyrself View Post
-yes! I have this problem w my h. I have to set firm boundaries and be willing to split up or he lies about really big things in his medical condition and finances.
Setting Boundaries you will stick to is the main solution here.
You said you have these problems with your H- do you mean husband?
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Old 01-30-2019, 04:38 PM #25
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Default Re: Setting and enforcing boundaries - Protecting Myself....

I'm so sorry you are going through this. I felt like you described my husband. Please let me know if you find any solutions
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