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Old 08-07-2018, 01:37 PM   #1
LokisIarnvidia
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Default Loved One's Jealousy, How To Break The Cycle (But Not The Relationship)?

Hi all! I could really use some kind, positive support in helping a loved one with myriad psychological issues. His name is Loki. We call each other best friends now, but we both know that we're very deeply in love, no matter what we choose to call it. The reason we're trying to "just be friends" is that Loki keeps getting jealous every time I interact with men on pretty much any level. When this happens, he tells me that he can't deal with it and tries to cut me out of his life. He usually calls back the next day crying and apologetic. We have a long- distance relationship due to the fact that he's incarcerated. He's serving three consecutive life sentences and will never be let out. Some of you may think that's a huge red flag, I know, but I love him exactly as he is and I'm under no delusions that he's a perfect angel.
Obviously this cycle of jealousy stems from his tremendous fears of abandonment. I got mad at him the first few times this happened, but now I just feel sad for him. And I feel sad for myself, of course, for having to repeat the same cycle over and over again (the very definition of madness, I know). I've come to the conclusion that I've got to distance myself emotionally from him so that this rollercoaster will stop affecting me personally. But it's difficult, since I really do love him and honestly don't want to lose him.
I'm also the only person in his life at all, so that adds to my feelings of wanting to be there for him.
As far as his diagnoses, he has antisocial personality disorder, severe PTSD stemming from a childhood of absolute rampant abuse and neglect, and he's recently been diagnosed with bipolar disorder after he was hospitalized for self- injury. On top of all that, he's also been incarcerated for 20 years so he tends to react to things in an institutionalized manner.
I've been having a lot of trouble dealing with the issue of his jealousy because, even as "friends", I find that I'm having to censor myself to avoid upsetting him. I have a very social job and I'd say that about half of the people I interact with on a regular basis are men. They are 50% of the population after all!! In my world, it's also commonplace for people to have opposite- sex platonic friends. I don't know anyone for whom this isn't the case, although he claims that the women he knew always associated only with other women. He finds all of my interactions so completely threatening and it's driving me crazy.
In his distant past, he says he was always being used sexually. This goes WAY back to his childhood, before he was old enough for such things to be consensual. Even later, his relationships with women were secret rendezvous because he wouldn't fit in with their socially acceptable lifestyles. Apparently this gave him a very unsavory view of women. Just recently, when he self- injured, he had convinced me that he had castrated himself and thrown his testicles down the toilet. This turned out to be untrue. I don't understand why he would have told me this in the first place. From what I can ascertain, it was some sort of test to see if I would still care for him if he was no longer "intact." Since we will never be together physically anyway (for such is the law), it's really a moot point. Of course I was supportive and loving and he responded really favorably to that... until his jealous streak again reared its ugly head.
I don't know how to convince him that I will never replace him and his position in my life is entirely secure. I know he doesn't believe this because all of his earlier experiences have made him feel absolutely awful about himself.
I've been reading a lot about C- PTSD and I ordered the same books for him, in the hopes that we can take a look at some of these feelings. I also ordered us both a book on mindfulness meditations for bipolar symptoms (as I have bipolar as well, but mine is comparatively well- managed).
He does have a team of therapists and doctors in his life as well. He's working with them willingly of his own accord, because he says he really does want to get better. MOST OF THE TIME, he knows that his jealousy is unnecessary and harmful. But when he's experiencing a burst of it, it seems like rationality is no longer possible.
Well, I've written FAR more than I intended. Eek. I hope some of you can offer some advice or even just emotional support. I don't really have anyone to talk with about this stuff. In spite of the legions of horny men who are apparently trying to break down my door (LOL just kidding!!!) I have a very solitary life and keep my feelings to myself. Loki is the only person I really confide in, and these days it feels like I can't, for obvious reasons (because he takes it too personally).

Thanks for listening!
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Old 08-10-2018, 12:06 PM   #2
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Default Re: Loved One's Jealousy, How To Break The Cycle (But Not The Relationship)?

I hope this does not come across as abrasive. Why not just stop telling him about you and other men? Kinder to him, easier on you. Granted it's a lie by omission and that can be a morally grey area, but its food for thought.

Also can you make friends to confide in? I think a support network works way better than relying only on on person.

I'm afraid that is all I've got, but I wish you the best.
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Old 08-10-2018, 12:14 PM   #3
LokisIarnvidia
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Default Re: Loved One's Jealousy, How To Break The Cycle (But Not The Relationship)?

Essentially that's what I've decided to do... just stop talking about MOST of the other people in my life. However it is important to me that I share everything with him, and I know I'll feel bad about having to keep my life so private. It seems it may be necessary, though, at the moment. He agrees.
However there are some times when I'll have to talk about the guys in my life, because to omit them is basically to say that I've done nothing all day. And that's just weird.
So we'll see how this goes.
He's being completely sane at the moment and we've come up with a plan for how I should behave if he does the jealousy routine again. I know he'll remember that this was The Plan we agreed upon and so he should hopefulyl respond favorably to it.
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Old 08-10-2018, 12:15 PM   #4
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Default Re: Loved One's Jealousy, How To Break The Cycle (But Not The Relationship)?

Also no, I don't have anyone in my life that I can talk about mental illness and stuff with. Nobody is that close to me. That's what I'm doing here, essentially.
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Old 08-11-2018, 09:07 AM   #5
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Default Re: Loved One's Jealousy, How To Break The Cycle (But Not The Relationship)?

Have you considered therapy for yourself? There must be a reason for you wanting a relationship with someone you can never be fully together with. Well that a separate issue

I am not sure why you need to disclose everything to him? People deserve having private info. There is no rule you must be open book with him. Why?

His behavior is irrational and you canít pissibky fix him. We canít control what other people do but you can cintril what you do. So Iíd focus on myself
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Old 08-14-2018, 11:55 AM   #6
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I am totally on board with devine1966. Focus on making you a better person.
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