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Old 02-27-2016, 09:02 AM   #1
blissra
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Default Newbie, feeling shame

Hey I'm new here and really hope that through this forum I can stop hiding my problem with binge eating which has made me so ashamed for most of my adult life. I would love to be able to support others too!

Briefly, my stepmother made food the enemy in our house. I realise now that she was bulimic, but she would force me and my half sister onto yoyo dieting with her from the age of around six. I had awful memories of whole weeks eating nothing but blueberries boiled with spinach for hours (why??) or only eating raw carrots for breakfast, lunch and dinner. But then the huge binges on crisps and cakes also, and her forcing us to eat more than we were able alongside her (I suppose to make her feel less guilty) until we were sick. From an early age I remember hoarding food to eat in these diet phases and secretly eating whenever I could.

As soon as I moved out into shared student housing I would hide food in my room, eat small amounts with friends and binge every night. My weight rocketed upwards, and although I loved sports and was athletic, I still was very overweight. My sister however has always been very petite and slim, the difference in our sizes was ridiculed and I began avoiding my family partly because of this. However early last year my sister broke up with her husband and asked to stay for a week with me. Everyday she would buy huge amounts of sweets, binge eat them, and then go on crazy exercise binges. By the end of the week my toilet was blocked with a large amount of half digested jelly babies (hope that isn't triggering!). But it was a shock to discover we both had the same problem, except she purges and I don't. We aren't close enough for me to feel I could talk to her about it, I fear she would just deny it and it would push us further apart, or use it as ammunition with my stepmother.

but during last year I reignited my love of sports, and despite feeling enormous I found a great group of people who didn't hold my size against me. I was as dedicated to exercising as I had been to binging, and within ten months lost almost half the weight I needed to, I was elated! But then one fateful day I injured my ankle while exercising, and was told not to put weight on my leg for a month. Depression kicked in, I began overeating again, and just two months later am even heavier than when I started I still don't trust my ankle, and although I know gaining weight is the worst thing for my recovery, I just can't stop. Eating feels like a compulsion now. Everyday I wake up saying I won't binge, and without realising it, suddenly I realise that I am. it is getting to the stage where I eat out alone to hide it from my room mate, and even though I eat at different restaurants, they now don't even ask my order, they know the 3 or 4 mains I want, this shames me SO much! But I still can't stop. It really does feel like an addiction, I don't even enjoy the food once it arrives, but feel this need to just get rid of it. Afterwards I feel almost unclean from it and want to shower, which I know is really disturbing.

I just need help, some direction and accountability. I know I did it before and can do it again, but can't seem to get started
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Old 03-02-2016, 07:38 PM   #2
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Hello blissra: I'm sorry you are struggling. I don't know how things work in the UK, but I wonder if perhaps it may be time for you to check out the possibility of getting into an eating disorders program. Sometimes we're just not strong enough, by ourselves, to overcome our past ( I should talk!) But under any circumstances... I send warm thoughts your way with the hope that you will find the inner strength to regain & sustain the resolve you once had.
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Old 03-04-2016, 05:17 PM   #3
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I actually cried reading your thread . I really feel for you and it makes perfect sense that your eating habits are how they are. Its a shame you and your sister aren't close enough to talk about what you went through and how it affects you both . have you considered therapy?

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Old 03-05-2016, 11:35 AM   #4
blissra
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Thank you both so much for commenting, it really does mean so much as I feel so alone with this and like no one around me understands. I am not close to my family, actually not being close to them has made it hard for me to trust anyone as an adult also. I've thought so much about this lately, and it almost was a mild form of abuse what my stepmother did, even though she herself was suffering too. I don't have access to therapy at the moment, difficult to explain, but I have spent this week trying to figure out ways to get my life under control. Not leaving the house with anything but a small amount of cash - not enough to binge eat on! And a blanket ban on any junk food. We will see how it goes, I am a very all or nothing person, eat super healthy or binge, so it may not work either. But this week I honestly felt like I am killing myself with this overeating. I lost quite a few pounds last year, and put it all back on within two months I hope I can do it, thank you so much for taking the time to comment, it really does help me so much!

Last edited by darkpurplesecrets; 03-08-2016 at 11:30 AM.. Reason: administrative edit.....removed numbers......
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Old 03-08-2016, 01:55 PM   #5
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