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Old 03-11-2015, 07:19 AM   #21
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Default Re: horse humor

Quote:
Originally Posted by sidestepper View Post
Has anyone seen the Icelandic movie; Of Horses & Men?

Supposed to be a good horse lovers movie. 2013 but just getting to US now. Not in any theater near me tho.
Never heard of it Sidestepper. I'll keep an eye out.
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Old 03-12-2015, 10:45 PM   #22
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http://scontent-ord.xx.fbcdn.net/hph...e8&oe=5583A55A


I can't figure out how to get this to post the picture, but it is funny.
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Old 03-12-2015, 10:48 PM   #23
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that's great googley!!!

(well the horse may not agree)
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Old 03-13-2015, 06:37 AM   #24
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They might think it's wonderful in this cold winter we've been having.

I had a wonderful dressage experience......ranch owner/trainer/instructor had been watering the grass around the dressage arena....ended up flooding at the A entrance. My horse hated walking through ANY water. We were practicing for the dressage show that next weekend.

Came trotting around the arena ready to enter at A......only he treated the water lake as a jump & we did a flying leap into the dressage arena.....he managed to land on center line & we proceeded as if nothing had happened down center line to x-halt salute.

Shocked me that I stayed on in the first place because I was definitely NOT prepared for that.



LOL....loved the picture of the person flying over the head of the horse....In my college equitation class, I learned the art of gymnastics going over the horses head. I didn't land face down....I landed face up looking right up at the horses smiling snickering face......thinking about that, my feet would have had to fly over my head, doing a total flip in the air to get into that position. Something I could have never done on my own without the assistance of my horse.

Yep, every broken bone & fracture I've had is due only to incidents (not accidents) on horseback. I have had some spectacular dismounts & many not so spectacular. Broken finger....holding onto the reins of a horse that reared because some stupid person was walking up to us seeing the horse rearing & I was ready to pull the horse off balance before allowing it to come down on the person....not wise decision.

H gave me a leg up trying to aim for the bareback pad....he managed to land me on the rear end of my horse....that caused a buck & I landed on the ground fracturing my hip.

Enjoying the first rid of the year with a friend, we thought good time to start getting ready for the endurance clinic....dogs came out into the alfalfa field with us, barked at the onlooking horses...they spooked which spooked the horse she was riding which in turn spooked the horse I was riding. Off balance at that point, I saw the huge alfalfa field & thought....acceleration & out of control....I better bale....landed wrong & ended up with a compression fracture in my back.

The most spectacular dismount ended up in no injury thanks to the bush I landed in that broke my fall. Domino's effect helped make this dismount happen. We were out on the trail with the 4-H kids & a few of their mom's early in the season. One kid fell off when their horse jumped the stream. Their mother came up from behind. her horse got a broken branch caught between it's front legs & ended up dumping her off.....then both horses decided to take off without their riders toward where I & the horse I was riding were standing in the trail. Spooked the horse I was on so he bolted. The trail took a sharp left around a metal post that had barbed wire running to it. Horse I was on decided to look at that pole as if it were a barrel in barrel racing & tried to cut it as tight as possible. I raised my inside leg to avoid getting impaled on the metal post & barbed wire & as the horse turned around the metal post, I went flying off the right side of the saddle & landed in this wonderful bush that broke my fall. Only thing that broke was the nose piece on my glasses.....an easy repair.....much easier than a broken bone.

Always love the first ride of the year.....horses still have their long winter fur no matter how much brushing is done. Saddled the horse I was riding & used a western saddle that time. This horse loved to bite when tightening the cinch so I always do it slow & then let it sit while putting on the bridle then go back to tightening the cinch. It was nice & tight....I even double checked before getting on....I'm great at balancing so never notice if the cinch ends up being loose....until we got to the stream. Standing in the stream, the horse lowered his head to get a drink & the saddle with ME ON TOP OF IT ended up sliding around to UNDER the horse. There I was hanging upside down underneath the horse....trying to figure out HOW to get off without getting totally soaked. I still don't know how I managed to get my foot out of the stirup & put my foot down on a rock in the stream & managed to get the rest of me off without any other help & keep from getting wet as the rest of our group stood around watching.

Had another dismount that I still can't figure out how it happened.....the first time I ever dismounted over the rear of the saddle & over the horses tail. We were out trail riding & I was on a friend's horse.....the horses always love cantering/galloping up the hills. It was like the horses rear end dropped out from under me. Will never know what exactly happened, but I slid over the back of the western saddle (which is not easy to do in the first place)....next thing I was sitting in the trail as the horse galloped on without me. He ended up stopping on up the trail & I caught up...but that was definitely one of my stranger dismounts.

And I just keep going back for more.......I will ride until I can no longer climb a mounting block to get up on a horse & then I will probably try to figure out some kind of a machine to pick me up & put me on the horses back.
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Old 03-20-2015, 11:04 AM   #25
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If Horses Were in High School,

What Cliques Would They Be In?

Quarter Horses: Definitely jocks. Strutting around flexing those muscles, showing off their butts...definitely jocks.

Thoroughbreds: Preppies. Sometimes athletes, never 'jocks'. Monogrammed blankets, leather halters, Nike eventer shoes, the latest custom trailer and tack. They are the "new money" rich.

Appaloosas: Could only be the stoners. They like to trip acid so they can watch their spots move.

Arabians: RAH! RAH! SIS BOOM BAH! GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO TEAM!! (need I say more?)

Shetland Ponies: Frightening, spiky hairdos, snotty attitudes and any color of the rainbow .... Gotta be PUNKS. Some even sport tattoos.

Friesians: Big, buff, and always in black, they are the biker clique. Cigs hanging out of the corner of their mouths, dangerous glint in the eyes, daring anyone to cross their path.

Morgans: They're the nerdy teacher's pets, running around doing everything from yearbook to decorating the gym and ratting out the bikers, stoners and jocks. They have perpetual wedgies.

Drafts (all breeds): No real clique, they're just the big guys who sit in the back of the room and fart a lot (and then laugh). Who's going to STOP them?

Icelandics and Paso Finos: They're the little squirrely geeks who flit around a dance trying to fit in and fail miserably. The kind who wear Toughskins jeans from Sears (or would that be rip off WeathaBeetas??).

Ahkle Tekl (Akle Takl? Ackle Tackle....!! Akhal Teke!!): Foreign exchange student(s). And no one can spell their names either.

Hackney Ponies: A breed this manic would have to be a band geek. Marching along with their knees and heads held high.....even going to the bathroom.

Warmbloods: Old Money Preppies, as opposed to the TBs who are new money preppies. All their tack is imported from Europe, they drink Perrier water and eat only organically grown feed. They look down on everyone and talk amongst themselves about summer in Paris and skiing in Gstad and wasn't it dreadful how provincial Spruce Meadows has become?
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Old 03-20-2015, 11:06 AM   #26
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I can't take credit for the list, but have these very same thoughts when I've seen these mistakes.

Few spots Leapards (must be jumpers?)

in our heard (What ya say?)

to foil in july (fencing horses?)

Great confirmation (ConFORMation)

Lounges great (lazy horse?)

written slightly(WOW? he can write?)

Gilded colt (gold plated or the real thing?)

Broken out good (he has acne?)
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Old 03-20-2015, 11:10 AM   #27
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I wonder if this will be in the next version of the DSM?

Living with O.C.E.A.N. Syndrome

By Scooter Grubb

Just recently, after years of research, I have finally been able to give a name to what my wife and I have been living with for years.


It's an affliction, for sure, which when undiagnosed and misunderstood can devastate and literally tear a family apart. Very little is known about O.C.E.A.N. Syndrome. But it is my hope this article will generate interest from researchers involved in the equine and psychological sciences. You will, no doubt, begin to identify similar symptoms in your own family and hopefully now be able to cope.

OBSESSIVE COMPULSIVE EQUINE ATTACHMENT NEUROSIS SYNDROME O.C.E.A.N.S) is usually found in the female and can manifest itself anytime from birth to the golden years. Symptoms may appear any time and may even go dormant in the late teens, but the syndrome frequently re-emerges in later years.

Symptoms vary widely in both number and degree of severity. Allow me to share some examples which are most prominent in our home.

The afflicted individual:

1. Can smell moldy hay at ten paces, but can't tell whether milk has gone bad until it turns chunky.

2. Finds the occasional "Buck and Fart" session hugely entertaining, but severely chastises her husband for similar antics.

3. Will spend hours cleaning and conditioning her tack, but wants to eat on paper plates so there are no dishes.

4. Considers equine gaseous excretions a fragrance.

5. Enjoys mucking out four stalls twice a day, but insists on having a housekeeper mop the kitchen floor once a week.

6. Will spend an hour combing and trimming an equine mane, but wears a baseball cap so she doesn't waste time brushing her own hair.

7. Will dig through manure piles daily looking for worms, but does not fish.

8. Will not hesitate to administer a rectal exam up to her shoulder, but finds cleaning out the Thanksgiving turkey cavity for dressing quite repulsive.

9. By memory can mix eight different supplements in the correct proportions, but can't make macaroni and cheese that isn't soupy.

10. Twice a week will spend an hour scrubbing algae from the water tanks, but has a problem cleaning lasagna out of the casserole dish.

11. Will pick a horse's nose, and call it cleaning, but becomes verbally violent when her husband picks his.

12. Can sit through a four-hour session of a ground work clinic, but unable to make it through a half-hour episode of Cops.

The spouse of an afflicted victim:

1. Must come to terms with the fact there is no cure, and only slightly effective treatments. The syndrome may be genetic or caused by the inhaling of manure particles which, I propose, have an adverse effect on female hormones.

2. Must adjust the family budget to include equine items - hay,veterinarian services, farrier services, riding boots and clothes, supplements, tack, equine masseuse and acupuncturist - as well as the (mandatory) equine spiritual guide, etc. Once you have identified a monthly figure, never look at it again. Doing so will cause tightness in your chest, nausea and occasional diarrhea.

3. Must realize that your spouse has no control over this affliction. More often than not, she will deny a problem even exists as denial is common.

4. Must form a support group. You need to know you're not alone - and there's no shame in admitting your wife has a problem. My support group, for instance, involves men who truly enjoy Harley Davidsons, four-day weekends and lots of scotch. Most times, she is unaware that I am even gone, until the precise moment she needs help getting a 50-pound bag of grain out of the truck.
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Old 03-21-2015, 09:10 AM   #28
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horse humor
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Old 03-21-2015, 05:17 PM   #29
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Things You Wish You Could Tell Non-Horse People...

1. A Pony is NOT a Baby Horse

2. There is a distinct difference between being Bucked-off and FALLING-off

3. Trotting is NOT the same thing as Galloping.

4. The horses in the field are NOT blindfolded

5. The horses in the field laying in the sun are NOT dead, they're just napping.

6 Jumping is not what you see in the old western movies

7 You cannot just throw a saddle on ANY horse, and expect to ride it.

8- Yes it IS hard to ride a horse, no it does NOT do all the work and NO you don't just SIT THERE.

9- yes, in the wild horses didn't live in stalls, wear blankets or get their feet trimmed, but they also did not do dressage or jump 3' with an extra 180# on their backs.

10. There's a difference between galloping for fun and being run away with.

11. Just because my horse is a boy does not mean he is a stallion.

12. Kicking a horse in the ribs and yelling "YAAAHHH" isn't the appropriate way to start.

13. An awful lot of the big names in the movies actually couldn't really ride that well. The horse deserved his own award for tolerance.

14. I'm 23. I have a degree in equine science. I'M NOT GOING TO GROW OUT OF IT. ITS NO LONGER JUST A PHASE!

15. In real life, horses do not whinny constantly like they do in the movies.

16. She's not "white", she's a grey.

17. No, he will not automatically kick you if you walk behind him.

18. Not *all* horses are either Beer Horses (Clydesdales) or Race Horses.

19. Just because you are a good rider doesn't mean you no longer need a trainer.

20. Not ALL baby horses are COLTS! Girl horse babies are called FILLIES!

21. Getting a pony and keeping it in your backyard for the kids is not a good idea.

22. The nails in shoes are NOT sticking into the 'feeling' part. They horse really can't feel the nails. I promise.

23. Rearing is not cool.

24. just because you have children, and I have horses, does not mean that the two groups shall be joined together, EVER.

25. No, these full chaps are ONLY used for riding horses, and no, I won't wear them in the bedroom!

26. ALL chaps are Butt-less. If they had a butt, they'd be leather pants, wouldn't they?
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Old 03-21-2015, 05:21 PM   #30
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Glossary of Horse Terms


Hock: Financial condition of all horse owners.

Stall: What your rig does at rush hour in an unfamiliar city on the way to a big horse show .

A Bit: What you have left in your pocket after you've been to your favorite tack shop.

Fence: Decorative structure built to provide your horse with something to chew on.

Horse Auction: What you think of having after your horse bucks you off.

Pinto: Green coat pattern found on freshly washed light colored horses left unattended for 2 minutes.

Well Mannered: Hasn't stepped on, bitten, or kicked anyone for a week.

Rasp: Abrasive metal tool used to remove excess skin from ones knuckles.
Lunging: Popular training method in which a horse exercises their owner by spinning them in circles until dizzy.

Gallop: Customary gait a horse chooses when returning back to the barn.

Nicely Started: Lunges, but not enough health insurance to even think about riding him.

Colic: Gastrointestinal result of eating at horse fair food stands.

Colt: What your mare gives you when you want a filly.

Easy to Load: Only takes 3 hours, 4 men, a 50lb bag of oats, and a tractor with loader.

Easy to Catch: In a 10x10 stall.

Easy Rider: Rides good in a trailer; not to be confused with "ride-able".

Endurance Ride: End result when your horse spooks and runs away with you.

Hives: What you get when receive the vet bill for your 6 horses, 3 dogs, 4 cats, and 1 donkey.

Hobbles: Walking gait of a horse owner after their foot has been stepped on by their horse.

Feed: Expensive substance used to manufacture manure.

Dog House: What you are in when you spend too much money on grooming supplies and pretty halters.

Light Cribber: We can't afford to build anymore fencing or box stalls for this buzz saw on four legs.

Three Gaited Horse: A horse that. 1) trips, 2) stumbles, 3) falls.
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