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Old 01-24-2019, 05:30 PM   #1
CluckyBear
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Default Identity confusion

Iím having trouble trying to articulate these sensations that I get, all I can describe it as is that I feel like Iím wrong and that I have to go the extra mile to reach everybody elseís level.

I donít remember much from my childhood but I do know that I was extremely quiet and never used to talk to anyone, and grew up to become quite shy and introverted. I eventually learnt to become confident, but felt like there was still a void inside of me.

It feels like I donít really have a Ďmeí, I feel like Iím kind of imitating and constantly thinking about how to project myself and just trying to be as perfect as I can. Iím not completely emotionally empty - I find things funny and I find things sad, but I overall feel robotic... like Iím carrying around my body like a shell, kind of like a Groundhog Day feeling?

Sometimes I get jealous when people are having a laugh with each other, itís like Iíll try to develop myself to be more like them because I want to be the best person... I think? But then I feel like Iím draining myself, I feel like who I am is a daily construct. Sometimes this makes me feel panicky and sad because I just feel like Iím wrong inside.

Iím not really sure how to accurately put these feelings into words 🙈 I just feel like my mind is constantly pervasive day in and day out, thereís always just something getting to me and that I feel cut off.

There are times where Iíll act clownish and care free because sometimes I want that Ďfree spirití image and itís strange because when someone comments on my actions or tries to compliment me, in my head itís just like, yeah thatís just my actions, just a construct, itís not me (whatever Ďmeí is)

Yeah I have interests and things I enjoy, but no way in hell does that make me feel like Iím emotionally connected to people. I often get paranoid about people and feel like they are just fake and pretending. I guess I just have a lot of different thoughts and feeling of a lot of things so Iím not even sure how to write about random feelings that I get.

Quite a long post there!

Does anyone recognise this? Is this some form of disorder in itself...? If itís worth noting my uncle had suffered from schizophrenia and I get scared about what route my thoughts are taking me down, but because Iíve felt everything and nothing all of my life I donít really know what to do but to live in the void...
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Old 01-25-2019, 03:51 AM   #2
sarahsweets
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Did you have a rough childhood?
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Old 01-25-2019, 05:12 AM   #3
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Default Re: Identity confusion

I can absolutely relate to your description! In fact, just yesterday I began a similar topic in General social chat (it's called How to be less boring)
I just constantly feel like I must play a role, I constantly think about what's considered normal and expected of me. I can be funny too, and I can get creative and do silly things which I enjoy. However exactly the same as you, I still think it's a mask, a role I'm playing.
I hear people constantly saying just be yourself! However for me there's no self. I don't have any deeper desires or anything that is unique to me. I'm just constantly playing roles but otherwise I have no idea who I am.
I had a difficult childhood where I had to suppress my own desires and likes /dislikes so I constantly did everything in order not to cause trouble and to fit in.
I remember how I bought a sticker album of backstreet boys, although I couldn't care less. I only did it because other girls in my class had it. This is just one example but I did and still do similar "fake" things even now as an adult. Because I'm unable to choose my own hobbies, clothing style or anything, unless I copy it from someone else or unless I have clear instructions about how to do something. At the same time I'm not really depressed, I'm usually in a normal mood with natural ups and downs, but it's not clinical depression. It's just like I simply have no idea what to do unless I can copy from someone. Or unless I have instructions for something, or I can see certain patterns which I can copy or base my role playing on.
I'm absolutely not trying to be fake or pretend, it's simply I have very little inner motivation.
Is that similar to you?
I'm very sorry I can't give you any advice, just tried to say you're not alone. I think it's either related to trauma or mild aspergers.
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Old 01-25-2019, 05:33 AM   #4
MickeyCheeky
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Default Re: Identity confusion

I'm so sorry, CluckyBear That sounds like a lot to deal with. Do you see a therapist? Maybe that could help. You could learn more about yourself and your own identity. This is something a lot of people are struggling with, so trust me when I say that you're not alone in this. I'm so sorry, please don't give up. I hope one day you'll be able to find yourself and what truly matters. If it can help, you sound like a kind, smart, sensitive person to me. So perhaps you could start from there? Try to hang on. Things can and will get better. Just seek out the help you need. Are there any friend or family members that could help you right now? Do you have a support system IRL? You can do this! You're strong, I'm sure of that. I hope writing here helps a bit. Feel free to PM me anytime. Let me know if I can do something to help you. Sending many hugs to you
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Old 01-28-2019, 10:01 PM   #5
Dnester
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Did you have over critical parents?
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Old 02-11-2019, 07:41 PM   #6
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I can relate OP and I also think Dnester poses a good question, even just for a seconds thought - I'd take that question a step further....has any key person in your life been over critical. That being said, you are the Master of you so you are the expert on you and probably have a few ideas of your own you have been pondering for a long time.
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