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Unread 08-01-2017, 04:55 AM   #1
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My boyfriend came back from his last vacation within the past couple of weeks. As usual, most of his day and evening is spent at work, and when he's home, he's usually in his office, door closed, on his computer. Otherwise, he's in bed. I've been stuck at home because my car had been in the shop since last Monday, and they're hoping to get it back to me Wednesday. My boyfriend took me out Saturday (which is rare, as of late) and Sunday, but I spent most of the time sleeping, or trying to sleep, in the car. I just sleep all day and night, except when I'm on my phone.

Now, he's going on another trip on the 7th or the 8th, and I want to scream. I'm overwhelmed. We'd made some progress on the mess in the house, but it's back again, because I'm so much worse when he's away. He promised when he got back he'd focus on getting me back to clean and functional. I tried not to get my hopes up, because he's promised before, but I guess I failed, because he picked up a little trash for no more than 15 minutes (if that) a couple of days after he got back, but nothing since. I asked him last night if he was going to do any more cleaning, and he said, "Soon," but he's waiting for me to get my car back. Why??? What's that for to do with my room and getting me able to use my computer and getting showers again, plus getting my bed cleared off and new sheets put on?

I had a phone appointment with my psychiatrist yesterday, and he increased my Paxil from 20 mg to 40 mg. My OCD has gotten worse.

I found a psychologist who takes Medicare and says he does CBT, but I don't see him until the 8th. I also called a women's center, who suggested the Division of Vocational Rehab, but I don't think that will work out, because schools are a problem for me, and I don't think I can handle working. That's why I want to get into writing. It's something I can do at home, but I need my computer. I want to write ideas and stuff in a notebook, but I wouldn't be able to touch the notebook once I was clean.

My OCD is such that I can't clean myself until things are really clean and I can go back into a cleaning routine. What am I going to do?

On top of everything, my boyfriend was in a car accident a couple of years ago, and he's being sued. There's a possibility we could lose our house.

I feel like s***. I have no one to help me. I'm wondering if I should have asked my boyfriend to put my name on the deed as co-owner, but he probably wouldn't have done that, anyway. It might have made things worse. But I'd be able to hire people to clean up. I don't have the money, but I could ask if they would let me pay a little at a time. I don't know. Of course, my boyfriend probably would make me and my property "dirty" if I did it, anyway. He's made that that before, how all he had to do to get back at me is make me dirty. I hate this.
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Unread 08-02-2017, 06:57 PM   #2
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I used vocational rehab and it wasn't ever in a school. I met with them in an office (once at a restaurant) and they sent a couple people to my job to meet with me. I know you aren't working but they will work with you to find accommodations to help you find a way to work within the restrictions imposed by your illness so if you tell them you can't handle school they'll work around that. I won't lie and say they can always help, I wound up with some education for the people I worked for that was promptly ignored and then told I was too sick to work and should go on SSDI (I worked another 4 years after that) but they did try, my situation just wasn't easily fixable. But it is worth a shot and worth at least talking to them.
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Unread 08-13-2017, 01:03 AM   #3
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Default Nothing Changes, or Even Gets Worse

I'm sorry your boyfriend is being so unhelpful... negligent is actually the word that comes to mind but I don't know him so maybe I'm being too harsh. Do you have any family you can go to? Or friends? Maybe being out of that environment would help de-activate you a bit.

I've been there with the chicken and egg thing - I use something when I'm contaminated, I get clean, then I can't use that thing anymore. When my OCD was at its worst the way that I would get unstuck is to use latex gloves while using Clorox wipes on the thing (e.g. my computer), ditch the gloves, and then shower. CBT helped me get better with that.
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Unread 08-13-2017, 01:22 AM   #4
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Quote:
Originally Posted by all74 View Post
I'm sorry your boyfriend is being so unhelpful... negligent is actually the word that comes to mind but I don't know him so maybe I'm being too harsh. Do you have any family you can go to? Or friends? Maybe being out of that environment would help de-activate you a bit.

I've been there with the chicken and egg thing - I use something when I'm contaminated, I get clean, then I can't use that thing anymore. When my OCD was at its worst the way that I would get unstuck is to use latex gloves while using Clorox wipes on the thing (e.g. my computer), ditch the gloves, and then shower. CBT helped me get better with that.
No, I have no family or friends. My mom died three years ago and I have a cousin, but there's bad blood with him and his wife.

My sister warns me against calling anybody or leaving (as if I had the money), but people here tell me to do the opposite. I can't go to a shelter. No one seems to get what it is to have my OCD. They might have OCD, but they're not in my shoes. To have all that exposure at one time... I can't. I've gone many days where I was "dirty" and it didn't get easier. It got worse. It's easy to judge when your situation is different than mine, just because you have the same disorder.
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Unread 08-20-2017, 04:03 PM   #5
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Default Re: Nothing Changes, or Even Gets Worse

I'm sorry Maven. I didn't mean to come off as judgemental. Sometimes I find it hard to communicate properly via text
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Unread 08-20-2017, 05:08 PM   #6
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I'm sorry Maven. I didn't mean to come off as judgemental. Sometimes I find it hard to communicate properly via text
I didn't think you were. I'm stuck and it's my fault. I just need to talk about it sometimes.
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