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Old 10-19-2018, 04:20 AM   #1
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Unhappy Am I Narcissist?

I am 19 years old and this problem started when I was 11. I was happy child and I loved programming. My mother was very kind and my father nonstop at work. At school I was silent and without any friends. But it didn't matter for me, my friend was my sister.
Suddenly I stop love the programming. From that time I feel empty and nothing interesting me. I doubt who I am and started to play role (behave like my classmates, teachers,…) and making false personalities (secret agent, very good hacker or other “superhero”). I thought and act like this personality. I stop laughing and wanted be better than others, interesting, important, superior, special and center of attention. How? By productivity, advanced opinions, serious face and meekness (I just need bread and water). I wanted to “help” world (= be important and at the center of attention), other days I wanted to be super successful hacker (interesting and the best) and so on. I didn’t know why I play these roles but this was my only (and subconscious) driving force in my life. Money, happyness, pleasure, relaxation, love, experiences, relationships didn’t matter for me (“I didn’t need it”). I was “ invulnerable and had important goal – make society better”. I lived in this illusion even daydreamed about it.
I know it’s absolutely childish but… I collapsed because of overworking, was very underweight (I don’t need food), pretending depression because I wanted attention and so on. When I was in the center of attention It was the only time when I didn’t feel the need working to exhaust.
According to my psychiatrist I have Narcissistic personality disorder (NPD). I want to heal myself because this complicate my life and hurt other people. But I can't force myself live just for happyness (and enjoy life) because I feel empty (I absolutely don't know what I want in my life) and only thing I like is feel superior. tHE Only time I feel good is when I working and when I am meeker than others or when I am center of attention. I hate myself because of this bad habit! But what I should do? Is there any recovery method or just “don`t be silly child, try hard or you'll devastate your life and end alone!”? I am motivated but just for short time. I would like to know if I just ultra egostic silly kid or have real NPD.
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Old 10-20-2018, 01:41 PM   #2
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Hello Elimatis: I noticed this is your first post here on PC. So... welcome to PsychCentral.

I'm sorry you've been having such a difficult time, especially at such a young age. We here on PC can't offer mental health diagnoses. So I can't tell you whether or not what you are experiencing constitutes Narcissistic Personality Disorder. (Perhaps other members will have some insights they can share though based on their own experiences.)

One thing I have read is that a true narcissist will generally not admit they are in fact a narcissist. And they're unlikely to see the need to change & seek treatment. Any problems they have they tend to blame on other people. So, at least to my non-professional mind, the fact that you have come here to PC concerned about how you are doing suggests to me you may not actually be a true narcissist. But then that is just my own personal non-professional opinion. Of course that's not to say you couldn't have some narcissistic traits. (Many of us do.) But that's different from actually having NPD. Here's a link to an article, from Psychcentral's archives, that goes into some of this:

Can a Narcissist Change? | Bonding Time

One suggestion here would be to take some of the quizzes & tests that are on offer here on PC. Here's a link to the listing of quizzes & tests that are available as well as a link to the narcissistic personality quiz itself:

Psychological Quizzes and Tests

Narcissistic Personality Quiz | Psych Central

It may also be helpful to read through the various posts in the NPD forum here on PC. Continuing to post may be helpful too. I hope you find PC to be of benefit.
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Old 10-21-2018, 04:01 PM   #3
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Default Re: Am I Narcissist?

Thank you a lot for quick reply and links. I'll check them soon.
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