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Old 08-28-2017, 08:58 PM   #1
amiss5572
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Default confused and stuff

Feeling pretty alone over what I went through. I have turned to friends and family and they all just tell me about their relationships they went through and how to just get over it. I need some validation here because it was very traumatic. I just need some people to validate what I'm feeling who really understand.

3 years ago I randomly messaged this guy in England on fb. We were both in a George Carlin page and I found him really funny. I live in America. We chatted a bit but nothing serious at first. Every once in a whole we would talk but nothing too extreme. Slowly things progressed over time. I found him messaging me everyday when I woke up. Then it turned into every hour. This guy was almost obsessed with me and I never really questioned it, I was even flattered. One day it all changed and he told me he wasn't attracted to his girlfriend anymore and always thought about me. He would compliment me all day. Tell me how amazing I was. He would spend so much time messaging me, Sending me videos, voice chats, pictures, phone calls, emails, links to pages. I knew everything about him. What he ate for dinner, where he was, what he was doing. I found myself immensely interested in this guy. I could NOT get enough of him or him of me. Now that I have researched things I see this as love bombing. Who becomes that obsessed with a person through a phone? He would always tell me I was the only woman for him and that there was nobody else. I'm perfect. He would reassure me that he will never find someone like me. He visited a few times that next year and it was always amazing. Then in December.. Think it's been 2 years now. *he told me found another woman and had been cheating on me for 6 months. It was the worst thing I've ever experienced. How could this happen? I look back and sometimes wonder why he even told me. Because it was crazy. He said he'd do anything to earn my trust back but he didn't do that at all.

We have so many bad memories that I could go on for hours. He would constantly put me down. Tell me I'm **** and break up with me. It usually resulted in him blocking me for a few days and not talking to me. It was always the worst. I'd cry and my self worth would get so low. I'd beg for his return and promise to be better. He would never understand why I was so hurt and everything was my fault. By the time he actually moved here things were pretty bad and I don't understand why I couldn't just leave. Well I do kind of now. I tried to end it a few weeks before he came and he went crazy. Calling me a ***** and blocking me. He then messaged my mom a few days later and I wish she would have never told me about it. I blocked him and was done. But when she did it made me feel like he “cared” once again.

So he moved here and then things only got worse. Even with all the hurt I still loved this man dearly. But yet I felt so unloved by him. He would ignore my feelings and refuse to talk to me. The only time he ever showed any kind of affection was when he was drunk. He definitely had a drinking problem on top of all this madness. Because he was so nice drunk and showed affection I enjoyed drinking with him. This resulted in very bad behavior on my part. I would get completely trashed and then argue with him. I'd call him names and put HIM down. He'd say he wants to go home and I'd kick him out. It was just miserable. Then the next day he would give me an unbelievable amount of guilt. I am a very accountable person and of course my self esteem is low. The amount of guilt I put on myself for my mistakes was just unreal.

After he moved here I started realizing what a huge ego this man had. And how low of self esteem he had. He always wanted acceptance from others and he made a ton of friends at the bar. I found myself even getting jealous because he liked them more then me. He would speak badly about me and even turned people in my own town against me. I'll never forget one event. It was one of the times he came home kind of drunk and said he wanted to go back to the bar with his fiends. I said fine go. I just blocked him and went out with friends. He must have called me about 50 times when I stupidly looked at my blocked calls. He had gotten into a bar fight and was in the hospital!! I had to leave my good time to go and rescue him. I've never seen him be so nice to be than that night. Well except for the first year of our relationship maybe. He went on and on about how amazing I was and how in love with me he was. What a mistake he had made. The next day it was like it never happened.

I could give so many examples of why I think this guy has npd but I won't bore you. I'm not a psychologist and I don't really know. But after reading so much he fits it to a T. He left and went home finally. The night he left he was smashed (I quit drinking for a month now because I was tired of him making me feel low and tired making bad choices). He did not feel bad at all. He refused to speak with me the day before because HE said horrible things about being here. I then wanted to talk and he refused and wouldn't sleep in the bed with me. I was up all night feeling anxious and stressed. The next day he again wouldn't talk to me. He made me feel again that he did not care for me. When he came home later that night smashed he had zero empathy for what he put me through. I just didn't care anymore about him or his bad choices at that point. Finally I did not feel bad for him. I let him leave without begging him to stay for once in my life. It's been 5 days now and I still have not run to him to forgive me. It's hard but at the same time I want to finally move on. I'm still just feeling like nobody understands what I went through. He has an amazing personality. Very charismatic and intelligent. I really loved him but began to hate myself over time. I'm just so worried that things will never end. From what I've read it could take years to get over. I've already wasted 3 of them on him. I don't want that at all. I just feel so pathetic. Even writing this all that I have done and all that has happened to me is ridiculous. I worked very hard for my nursing degree and there have been so many times where I feel too emotional to go to work or it impacts my job. I want to stop being a damn baby and get over this crap. Stop thinking about him and realize things. I just don't know how and am emotionally exhausted after all this. The worst is wondering and feeling like the first amazing year of our relationship was a complete fraud. Did he really see me as amazing? Maybe he was completely messing with me. I always thought this guy was too smart and amazing for me. Like it was too good to be true. And it was. Once he got home he had his sister message me terrible things. About my mom (who kicked him out for being a drunk) and about me. I just feel so many emotions and i just want to feel better.
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Old 09-07-2017, 04:32 AM   #2
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Default Re: confused and stuff

"The worst is wondering and feeling like the first amazing year of our relationship was a complete fraud. Did he really see me as amazing? Maybe he was completely messing with me. I always thought this guy was too smart and amazing for me. Like it was too good to be true. And it was. Once he got home he had his sister message me terrible things. About my mom (who kicked him out for being a drunk) and about me. I just feel so many emotions and i just want to feel better."

I have a really hard time dealing with lies (malicious ones) too. The fact that he is treating you so terrible must mean you meant something to him. If you are ever tempted to go back--don't--reread this post. You say you hate that you wasted 3 years---just don't make it anymore than 3. He has broken you but if you stay away, time will help you heal.
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Old 09-13-2017, 08:17 AM   #3
KaySammy9
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Default Re: confused and stuff

Oh my goodness dear, I DO feel your pain. I went through a similar experience not through the internet but by living near him. I used to jog to the school near where I used to live and I would pass his house on my way there and back again. He developed an obsession with me that really had nothing to do with me and everything to do with his fantasy of me. Please don't discount yourself for falling for a guy on the internet. Sometimes reading a person's writing can be even more attractive than face to face. You don't see him doing things like picking his nose, etc.. instead all you see is the fantasy you create around his writings. I had not been in a real relationship since my divorce five years earlier, that divorce about killed me and I vowed to be single to raise my daughter who was two at the time and to give myself the time I needed to heal. So after five years of no guys in my life I was quite swept off my feet by the many presents , phone calls and compliments he basically saturated me with. I kept him at a distance at first and would see him occasionally for a drink. i too limit my drinking because of stupid things I do that I almost ALWAYS regret the next day. He also was a drunk just like your guy. Our relationship, once I let him in progressed far to quickly for my tastes and I kept trying to establish healthy boundaries and he kept breaking them. Over and over we would fight, make up and then be OK for a day or two and back to fighting. He was ridiculously jealous and I knew it is often the ones who are the most jealous who are the ones who cheat. Sure enough within a few months he cheated on me. We separated and I called him to try to get a very nice jacket and pair of pants he had of mine among other things. He completely ignored my phone calls for a week and then shows up at the school where I was jogging on his bike smiling and acting like nothing was wrong. Previously he had "sweated" me with all his daily texts and phone calls so when he didn't respond to me for a week it threw me into a rage, just as he had hoped. He ended up having an affair with his daughter in law (yep!) who lived directly in the apt. across from me and started having me followed and stalking me at the same time. I went back to him one time but then I drew the line and said no. He relentlessly stalked me for over a year and I had to move way out in the country and get two very large German Shepherds before I felt I had controlled the stalking situation. The hardest part in leaving him was to stop the non stop thoughts going round in my head. I knew he loved me, I knew I was healthier mentally, emotionally basically in every way more than him but I still would read over my journals from the "love bombing" time because I was almost spellbound by him. Over time, and yes it's hard pill to swallow, but time is the magic answer it's true, time and distance. Distance is key because when you are still longing for his touch you must avoid all contact, so painful but so worth it. With time and distance I became able to put my logic into action and not let my emotions rule me. I couldn't date as he did as I am too sensitive but I began to be grateful for his lessons. That's how I thought of it~a lesson, I wanted to get back in the country again and because of him it happened in a miraculous way. I wanted to train personal protection dogs for women who have dealt with "bad" men and because of him I did and do just that. At some point even though the desire was there I stopped reading my journals and put them in my daughter's room so that I always would put her first whenever I would be tempted to reread the romance and become enamored once again. Now over a year later he still annoys me as every once in a while I think I see him go by my house or I think he may have gotten in my house but I never was and am not afraid of him so I just think he is pathetic. I, with distance, gained perspective and was able to let go. You are very strong mentally if you made it though nursing school and i'll bet your quite logical as well. Your writing states that to me. So listen to your logic and do it, whatever that voice is telling you. Even though it hurts, even though it sucks, even though you just want one more compliment or kiss, act upon your logic anyway and soon, down the line you, will start seeing results and they will be the building blocks to create the life you desire. Amazingly, because I did just as I'm telling you to do, I started seeing my ex husband for the narcissist he is and realized that I had a habit of letting men like this into my life. In the beginning with this type of man I felt I had all the control but in the end I was reduced to a mud puddle and lost all control. So that's another good thing by ex boyfriend taught me. You can do this and make a new life for yourself and you will gain a fair amount of respect in yourself if you can remain resolute. There is a quote that has inspired me and I will leave it with you, "Don't give up now chances are~Your best kiss, your hardest laugh and your greatest day are yet to come." ) Hope this helps you, good luck, don't give up and feel free to message me if you need to vent, talk, etc...
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Old 09-22-2017, 03:07 AM   #4
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Yes, the narcs love toying with people over the internet. Before I got married, I went through this too with someone from Ireland that I met through a music sharing site. He kept pressuring me to share pictures and tell him he was the most handsome thing ever. Same thing...constant emails, calls and chats. All he wanted to do was share pictures of himself and have me tell him how awesome he looked... the dude was extremely vain. He never wanted to see pics of me though. He just wanted to be worshiped. While he was doing that, he messaged me one day and said he got married! While he was flirting with me and sending me pics of his naked self! I'm like...uh... why are you sending me dirty pics and flirting when you've been seeing someone else this entire time? He didn't care. Just kept trying to guilt trip me for 'expressing himself'. It was ART what he was doing with me.

Never accountable...always an excuse for everything.

OP: Feel better for not actually getting into a horrible marriage or other serious relationship with this guy. Then you would be trapped and it would be even worse to get out! Also feel better that you are wiser now and know a little more about what flags to look for. It's painful and I am so sorry you had to go through that, but now you're a little warier and smarter for it.
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Old 09-24-2017, 02:33 PM   #5
amiss5572
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Quote:
Originally Posted by KaySammy9 View Post
Oh my goodness dear, I DO feel your pain. I went through a similar experience not through the internet but by living near him. I used to jog to the school near where I used to live and I would pass his house on my way there and back again. He developed an obsession with me that really had nothing to do with me and everything to do with his fantasy of me. Please don't discount yourself for falling for a guy on the internet. Sometimes reading a person's writing can be even more attractive than face to face. You don't see him doing things like picking his nose, etc.. instead all you see is the fantasy you create around his writings. I had not been in a real relationship since my divorce five years earlier, that divorce about killed me and I vowed to be single to raise my daughter who was two at the time and to give myself the time I needed to heal. So after five years of no guys in my life I was quite swept off my feet by the many presents , phone calls and compliments he basically saturated me with. I kept him at a distance at first and would see him occasionally for a drink. i too limit my drinking because of stupid things I do that I almost ALWAYS regret the next day. He also was a drunk just like your guy. Our relationship, once I let him in progressed far to quickly for my tastes and I kept trying to establish healthy boundaries and he kept breaking them. Over and over we would fight, make up and then be OK for a day or two and back to fighting. He was ridiculously jealous and I knew it is often the ones who are the most jealous who are the ones who cheat. Sure enough within a few months he cheated on me. We separated and I called him to try to get a very nice jacket and pair of pants he had of mine among other things. He completely ignored my phone calls for a week and then shows up at the school where I was jogging on his bike smiling and acting like nothing was wrong. Previously he had "sweated" me with all his daily texts and phone calls so when he didn't respond to me for a week it threw me into a rage, just as he had hoped. He ended up having an affair with his daughter in law (yep!) who lived directly in the apt. across from me and started having me followed and stalking me at the same time. I went back to him one time but then I drew the line and said no. He relentlessly stalked me for over a year and I had to move way out in the country and get two very large German Shepherds before I felt I had controlled the stalking situation. The hardest part in leaving him was to stop the non stop thoughts going round in my head. I knew he loved me, I knew I was healthier mentally, emotionally basically in every way more than him but I still would read over my journals from the "love bombing" time because I was almost spellbound by him. Over time, and yes it's hard pill to swallow, but time is the magic answer it's true, time and distance. Distance is key because when you are still longing for his touch you must avoid all contact, so painful but so worth it. With time and distance I became able to put my logic into action and not let my emotions rule me. I couldn't date as he did as I am too sensitive but I began to be grateful for his lessons. That's how I thought of it~a lesson, I wanted to get back in the country again and because of him it happened in a miraculous way. I wanted to train personal protection dogs for women who have dealt with "bad" men and because of him I did and do just that. At some point even though the desire was there I stopped reading my journals and put them in my daughter's room so that I always would put her first whenever I would be tempted to reread the romance and become enamored once again. Now over a year later he still annoys me as every once in a while I think I see him go by my house or I think he may have gotten in my house but I never was and am not afraid of him so I just think he is pathetic. I, with distance, gained perspective and was able to let go. You are very strong mentally if you made it though nursing school and i'll bet your quite logical as well. Your writing states that to me. So listen to your logic and do it, whatever that voice is telling you. Even though it hurts, even though it sucks, even though you just want one more compliment or kiss, act upon your logic anyway and soon, down the line you, will start seeing results and they will be the building blocks to create the life you desire. Amazingly, because I did just as I'm telling you to do, I started seeing my ex husband for the narcissist he is and realized that I had a habit of letting men like this into my life. In the beginning with this type of man I felt I had all the control but in the end I was reduced to a mud puddle and lost all control. So that's another good thing by ex boyfriend taught me. You can do this and make a new life for yourself and you will gain a fair amount of respect in yourself if you can remain resolute. There is a quote that has inspired me and I will leave it with you, "Don't give up now chances are~Your best kiss, your hardest laugh and your greatest day are yet to come." ) Hope this helps you, good luck, don't give up and feel free to message me if you need to vent, talk, etc...

Thank you for all the advice for those that posted. I havnt been on here. I did try to send you a message specifically and I'll try again later as I had to post 3 times 😊
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