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Old 05-08-2017, 10:55 PM   #1
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Default NPD Things That Help

So I have known since Feb I have NPD. It was pretty unsettling at the start but slowly I have come back to a normal. It's not all bad, I am much more self aware now. I can see when I go off the rails very quickly but mostly in hindsight. My question is to those who have battled this longer and have any advice as to what worked for them to create lasting change.
I think my worst issue is Narcissistic Rage, blind spots, knowing I am going off the rails and being completely helpless to stop it. It's frustrating. My (estranged) wife asked me to make a promise and I wouldn't because I honestly don't feel that I can trust myself with certain things. That's sad but true. I told her I didn't want to lie and I want to be honest about my issues but that was no consolation.
It happened yesterday where I did something dumb that I quickly came to regret. I could see it coming, I thought I was fine, I was coping and then it's like someone else takes over. I'm paying more attention to it now and it actually surprised me, like where did that come from? It's kind of like a funnel you know you are entering and you think I'm okay I can get out but you don't realize the point where you go too far and there is no way out but doing something bad.
For me I have tried music and I feel like it helps me. The problem is I was listening to music a lot in the beginning but less now, I forget, or I'm less motivated. Because I think I'm okay, then I find out I'm not because I go and do something dumb. Your thoughts are appreciated.

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Old 05-10-2017, 10:51 AM   #2
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Default Re: NPD Things That Help

I think that a good idea would be to start tracing the source of your rage. It's coming from somewhere, and it's being misdirected.

Also, I typically know that something is up with me when I am thinking that I am "just fine" or what have you. Odds are, I'm not. So, when I start insisting to myself and others that I'm all okay, I've learned to catch myself and see what is really going on. It's a work in progress, but I'm getting there.
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Old 05-10-2017, 11:02 PM   #3
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This is great advice, thank you. I think I hate myself. In the background of my mind I am always constructing scenarios of how everything should go. When things fall short it's the fuel for the fire. When enough fuel is present it ignites. Mostly the person who doesn't go along with the plan is me. I think when I fall short of expectations I don't know how to handle it. I say expectations not 'my expectations' because in a way I feel I am not totally in control of setting them. That is why they are hard to attain for me, and probably where all the anger comes from. I have explained it like getting up in the morning and being compelled to do the things in my day like someone is standing behind me, over me constantly prodding and pushing me forward. In the current situation I was angry with myself and feeling bad, then my daughter acted in a way I would expect any normal teenager to act, but at the time I could not see that, I could only see how it was such a disrespect to me. I misinterpreted her actions, or chose to see them in one way based on how I was feeling about myself, not based on a full view of the situation. So I over reacted. It's odd to think that I have a relationship with myself but it seems like that is what's screwed up and the underlying source of my anger.
On feeling normal; for my whole life I am either on my way up or on my way down, I struggle to find a middle ground. Being normal always means I am on my way down. Balance is an important issue for me, but it may be a symptom not the cause. I'm not sure.
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Old 05-12-2017, 09:25 AM   #4
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"Constructing scenarios of how everything should go" Well said!! I do this all the time, I allow myself to see things for what they should be (in my mind) and when they are not I am so let down. My wife once told me that I cannot expect for people to do what I want, people cannot read minds and if I want something I should say so. Crazy how we think everyone should just know what we want without saying so. Part of the make-up I suppose. On another note music has always helped me too. The problem is my emotions can go based on what I am listening to. I listen to so many types of music and always feel like whoever wrote some of these lyrics "get me" like I expect. My wife always says she knows where i'm at depending on what i'm listening to. This is so true, so with that I have been listening to upbeat country music for many months now to stay of my "other" paths that never lead to a good place. I know some will say this is nuts but at the same time I am sure others will get it. I too have struggled with what you speak of. Trying to recognize the issues we have. Best thing I have done is after I have one of my issues I am able to look back and see that I was wrong. Before "knowing" that would have never happened. Small steps? Yes, but nonetheless they are there!! You are obviously older which means for a long time you were the way you are. The mold is done and now the infamous word "modifying" is what you can learn. We cannot completely change who we are. We have to trick our minds and habits of what we are to become different. Our time as a child when most were taught, loved or whatever else has came and gone. Those impressionable years of our lives were stamped with a large X rather than what we should of had. We must go through life with a weight knowing what we are and that most "normal" people could never understand. We are looked at as monsters, as if we are the outcast and the one who decided to be who we are. I have said this many times before, if we could of chosen what we would be it would NOT be this. Do not waste your time looking at all these sites with info on NPD, it is like drinking poison for people like us. It is so easy for people to point fingers but so difficult to understand who we are. I believe that MOST doctors/therapists are also part of the problem. To sit with someone like us I do understand is very difficult. I know it is much easier to say someone is what they think rather than work to try and figure out a solution. Trust me I had a lot of fun manipulating P-docs and Ts. This is my issue, yes I acted the part of wanting help yet it was so easy and fun to toy with the ones who were supposed to be more knowledgeable than me. It's true, we get what we put in. We are different!! Our thought process will never be the way that is accepted. We are not evil, we were left to figure things out for ourselves. What does everyone expect? The ones who were lucky enough to be shown the way are the same ones so quick to be so negative. I always laugh when I read about the people who have had so many different relationships with "our kind". What does this say about them? Lastly, you are at least on the right track with knowing who you are. Just think for how many years of your life everything was right. Like me you probably always thought there was something not right but life was life and you kept on. The beginning stages are ROUGH, someone so perfect could be damaged? Hard to wrap your brain around, I know. Dark times are ahead, toying with many thoughts can get you in that place quickly!! One step at a time, recognize, take a breath, walk a way. Look back as much as possible to try and learn from it. Best of all, know that you're not alone.......
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Old 05-13-2017, 07:58 AM   #5
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Thanks for your response. Getting support from someone who actually understands means a lot. I have another question. Do you think fundamentally life should be a struggle, or should it be easy? What I mean is if I have a solid balanced grasp of the world and how things really work, should life flow easily or should I always struggle to do the right thing? I was raised to think that life is a desperate struggle of good conquering evil and that it is very hard to do the right thing. Basically life is a test. My opinion of myself ... I failed horribly, I took the easy route, I went to the evil side. Do people actually think that about me? Would an average person judge me that way? It's so hard to say, I have zero perspective here. Seems like a blind spot. My wife would say yes I am evil, and she knows me best. She has told me I am evil. In the past I constantly struggled against it, like a fly in a web, struggling with no hope of escape. Now I just accept it. In a way this is worse because my marriage has failed and I accept it. In reality my marriage failed a long time ago, I just couldn't acknowledge it. I do see that when I force myself to make good choices I feel good about it. I feel good with the result, and I get as much energy from the fact that I did the right thing. The problem is when I make bad choices it is also a double whammy to the negative side. So I have always been in this ride. Stop the ride I want to get off ... lol. So for me I guess I have to agree, doing the right thing, living a good life, is an extremely difficult struggle. But should it be that way? I feel like there should be more peace and harmony in life than there is in mine, and I feel like I make my own problems. But why and how to stop.
Well I think I went off the rails with this post. However I think in this mess there is something, a hint at the real problem, so I will leave it. Thanks for reading if you got this far ... lol!
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Old 05-13-2017, 08:13 AM   #6
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Default Re: NPD Things That Help

In my opinion life is a struggle. Where would the meaning be, otherwise? In struggle I find myself. What helped me personally was accepting that there are no short cuts so to speak.

The question about whether or not the word "evil" is appropriate seems to be common around here. For me, I accept that I've done evil things and that yes, I am arguably decisively evil. That wasn't easy, but I found that it was easier to see my Self and my behavior for what it was/is when I stopped fighting the label.

One thing I've noticed about people with NPD is that we do tend to cause our own problems. For me it's because I thrive on conflict, I thrive on the struggle. I don't know how it is for anyone else though.
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Old 05-15-2017, 12:32 PM   #7
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Conflict and struggle equate to finding the way out which also makes things more fun. Challenges may be our strength, at least for me. More so with others then myself!!
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Old 01-27-2018, 09:07 PM   #8
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I don't choose to accept the label of evil, because I equate that with giving in to hopelessness. I will acknowledge I have done things that are very wrong, selfish, and hurtful, and that I am struggling, often in vain, to get onto a better path where I and my loved ones can start to heal. However, I am sorry for the things I have done that are wrong, and I do sincerely want to get better. I am a Catholic, and I believe that Jesus accepts that and forgives you if you show Him you are sorry and try to change, and that Jesus wouldn't let anyone languish in a blanket treatment that they're "evil" - isn't that what He came to fix? Which is not to say there should be no consequences for hurtful actions - sometimes you can't fix everything that was damaged, but don't ever give up hope and think that you yourself are evil and there's nothing you can do about it. For example, Ebeneezer Scrooge was definitely evil most of his life, he certainly wasn't at the end of the story!
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Old 02-05-2018, 10:37 AM   #9
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Quote:
I don't choose to accept the label of evil, because I equate that with giving in to hopelessness.
This is interesting because the opposite was the case for me. When I accepted the label of evil, I felt empowered to look at myself in a way I hadn't before and when I did that things slowly started getting better. For me claiming the word evil was a hopeful act, not a hopeless one.
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Old 02-13-2018, 08:49 PM   #10
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Good and evil is a constant struggle....
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