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Unread 04-18-2017, 12:28 AM   #1
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Unhappy Honesty

Honestly, I know I should be inpatient. But with DID, I'm a "frequent flier" and I hate that. I hate having to go in for my safety. I hate losing my freedoms for my safety. It makes me not want to go in, even when I should. I hate that I get so scared on the wards by other peoples' illnesses- I get so triggered.
It's a catch 22; I can't talk about safety issues without being put under lock and key, but once there they won't "do therapy" around the issue of what brings any of us in.
Wish there were middle ground. A place I could go and say Here's my feelings right now, I know they'll change, but I have to get through to tomorrow.
Then they can send me home.
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Unread 04-18-2017, 12:53 AM   #2
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I'm sorry you are struggling. Although I don't have DID I understand you dilemma with going IP. IP is really mostly a holding place and pill mill until those feeling at least appear to have passed. By now I think most IP workers know that "frequent fliers" know how to fake betterment when they are tired of IP. One idea, can you talk about the underlying issues with your T without it becoming a flag for safety. Obviously this is only if you are able to be safe. I have backed away from therapy for the most part and totally from psychiatry. Lucky for me though my T would not force IP(she knows I would not come back if she did) unless she felt absolutely convinced I could not be safe otherwise and I am now able to convince T that i am ok even when it is questionable(normally just means agreeing to go to ER if it becomes unmanageable).

Hope you are able to find that middle of the road and maybe stay out of IP if that is what you want.
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Unread 04-18-2017, 01:15 AM   #3
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I'm sitting here nodding my head to everything you wrote.
Or IP workers just shake their head when they see "returners". The last social worker (new hospital, since 3 closed) said to me, "we're becoming to know you quite well". Yeah- you know, these 15 minute chats that cost $250 a pop (thankfully not paid by me) really give a great understanding of me and my issues :/ lol
But it doesn't feel good. It's not like I want to be there.
Thursday, t asked me what I felt about going in :/ she said she wasn't suggesting it (lol) just wondered what I thought about it.
I know if I told her tonight what I was thinking, well... I know where I'd be. Maybe sitting in front of her where she can read me better.
But we're only at 3 months together and she's seen 3 of me so she doesn't know me yet.
To her credit, she did say she doesn't just put people in just because. I'd have to have an active plan with a timeline. "For example, a lot could change between now and the weekend". That's pretty lenient of a t.

I know it will pass, right? I'm still here, so it does pass. I just have to ride it out.
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Unread 04-18-2017, 01:46 AM   #4
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They will pass. How long it will take I don't know. I wish I had an answer for you. My thoughts have been pretty chronic from a fairly young age. Even when I'm doing well to all appearances there is always an idea of how I would if it got to that. I'm not in a real dark place right now but those thoughts creep in still. I think for the greatest majority it passes in time but it sounds like theres underlying issues behind these thoughts that you need to deal with. That is where I would focus with T so you can hopefully experience at least some relief soon. Hope things get better soon.

Last edited by DelusionsDaily; 04-18-2017 at 02:11 AM.
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Unread 04-18-2017, 11:34 PM   #5
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I was able to address these things today. We both acknowledged that there isn't s perfect system, and that even tho I know what level of care I needed last night, I knew I wouldn't need it today. Having the trust to be heard and trust myself, I came up with strategies tonight. Small steps, big reward. It was hard for my social worker and therapist to let me leave, but they did such a great job.
Even tho it took two check-ins from them both to get through today, I am safe tonight.
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Unread 04-18-2017, 11:45 PM   #6
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Glad you were able to address those things today and that they didn't just to IP for you. Nothing wrong with check-ins...better than leaving you by yourself with your thoughts, and it beats IP.

YAY for being safe tonight.
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Unread 04-19-2017, 04:37 AM   #7
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I just wanted to tell you as someone suffering from Complex PTSD and schizophrenia that IP sucks. Yeah, lack of freedoom is very triggering from us.

If I were you I would find and IP facility that has resources to lead with people that have been traumatized so you can improve and stay better in case you need IP.
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Unread 04-19-2017, 06:09 PM   #8
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I'm glad you have professionals working for you who actually do their job properly

(((((((( Kiya ))))))))
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Unread 04-19-2017, 09:29 PM   #9
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Day three (is that all???) and 5 professionals still want me in. They want to change medications. Is this all there is? Always see me as a psych patient, lock me away, dope me up? Still out for now.
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Unread 04-21-2017, 03:05 PM   #10
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How are you doing?
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