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Old 05-31-2018, 02:37 AM   #11
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When was the last time that you or your husband didn't call her and she phoned you instead? Sounds like the emotional connection that you have is strong. Maybe it's time to have a face to face discussion about what might be going on and sort out what are helpful amounts of contact.

Thanks for taking the time to reply, possum.


I didn't call my daughter 3 days ago and she called me. Yesterday she called me earlier than we usually talk.


She and her dad have an agreement that he calls her for a quick hello 3 times a week. (Part of the reason he calls our daughter is because she helps him with something he has to do for a business we run. The calls are always quick, though.) He got mixed up on the days over the holiday week-end and forgot to call her. She was concerned, and told me she missed speaking with him.


I am thinking that I must have explained the situation incorrectly in my OP. Really, the phone calls are not the problem. The phone calls are actually a bright spot for all of us. My daughter enjoys checking in with her dad and I (whoever does the calling)...she seems upset herself that she is never with enough time, and is extremely stressed.



Neither my husband nor I are the types of people to drag out a telephone conversation that needs to end; in other words, we certainly don't "hold" our daughter on the phone when she needs to get going. I'm not sure why the phone calls have become a major focus of this thread.
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Old 05-31-2018, 06:08 AM   #12
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...I am thinking that I must have explained the situation incorrectly in my OP. Really, the phone calls are not the problem. The phone calls are actually a bright spot for all of us. My daughter enjoys checking in with her dad and I (whoever does the calling)...she seems upset herself that she is never with enough time, and is extremely stressed.

Neither my husband nor I are the types of people to drag out a telephone conversation that needs to end; in other words, we certainly don't "hold" our daughter on the phone when she needs to get going. I'm not sure why the phone calls have become a major focus of this thread.
That was probably partly my fault. Sorry. Reread your original post - you say she kinda yells at you on the phone calls. Thats where i got the impression the calls go on maybe a little too long? Idk. Otherwise, when does she say these things?
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Old 05-31-2018, 02:12 PM   #13
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That was probably partly my fault. Sorry. Reread your original post - you say she kinda yells at you on the phone calls. Thats where i got the impression the calls go on maybe a little too long? Idk. Otherwise, when does she say these things?

Thank you for your post, unaluna. I really appreciate it.

No, she never yells on the phone or at all. She's not the kind of person to lose her temper, ever.


From some of the replies on this thread I am realizing that I've been underestimating the amount of work my daughter has, and the stress she's coping with, as she works for her PhD. I am understanding that now. I have accepted that it is not personal - it is, in no way, about me.


The hurt I feel is when my daughter "cops an attitude" toward me in terms of her communicating to me that, in so many words, she feels slightly "superior" to my husband and I because she is So Well Educated. YES, I am immensely proud of her - tremendously so! However, I don't like being told that my generation doesn't "understand" today's world. I don't like when she says my own education - both college and self-education - is "outdated" or insufficient. It is irritating, annoying, and hurtful when my daughter acts that way toward me.


I fully realize that I just need to wait it out. She's in a place in life at which she either believes, or is telling herself to believe, that she has life all figured out and tied up in a nice box with a ribbon on it. Yet, she has so far to go in terms of real life experience. I can see that, my husband can see that, but of course, our daughter cannot understand it. A university education is a great thing, but it doesn't replace things like....being up all night with a sick baby...taking your chronically/terminally ill mother to her doctor and sitting right there in the exam room with her...going through the deaths of your parents and sibling...and so on.

I think I am just venting in this thread, more than anything. Looking for support while I wait patiently for my daughter to freakin' mature, LOL.

Thanks, my friends
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Old 05-31-2018, 11:45 PM   #14
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Apologies Laurie. I re-read your opening post. I must have got the wrong end of the stick.


34 is just a number really. I do hope that your daughter will find her way back to you and drop the attitude. Mean time wait patiently. We will wait here with you too.
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Old 06-02-2018, 01:28 PM   #15
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Apologies Laurie. I re-read your opening post. I must have got the wrong end of the stick.


34 is just a number really. I do hope that your daughter will find her way back to you and drop the attitude. Mean time wait patiently. We will wait here with you too.

You're so correct - I hadn't thought of it that way...34 IS just a number.


Thank you so much, dear possum
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Old 06-04-2018, 07:42 PM   #16
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What is she getting her PDd in? It sounds like she’s going through some kind of change, emotionally or in her thought process? As far as falling to pieces, we all go though it at some point and maybe she needs to struggle and muddle through some things on her own before she’s ready to come back to you.
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Old 06-17-2018, 03:02 PM   #17
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What is she getting her PDd in? It sounds like she’s going through some kind of change, emotionally or in her thought process? As far as falling to pieces, we all go though it at some point and maybe she needs to struggle and muddle through some things on her own before she’s ready to come back to you.

Her phD will be in Sociology. Yes, she is going through enormous changes, both emotionally and in her thought process.


I just have to sit through this time in her life. For example, she's on vacation with her husband. I am taking care of their cats while they're away. I have not called her once while she is on vacation because she "needed a break" from everyone. Okay, fine. I can certainly live with that. So...she has been calling me twice a day. ????
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Old 06-18-2018, 11:26 AM   #18
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Okay, fine. I can certainly live with that. So...she has been calling me twice a day. ????
What are you confused about? It almost sounds like you are shaming her for calling you?

There is something called the rapprochement stage, where the young child WANTS to go off and explore, but still needs mother to be there as a secure base. Both mother AND child have to progress successfully thru this phase. I know my mother never did, not with me, not with her own mother. So any independence was always problematic. You guys might still be stuck there too.
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Old 06-19-2018, 10:07 PM   #19
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Yes, I know about rapprochement. There is some thought that if that stage is not properly coped with BPD can result. Well, my daughter is anything but Borderline. The fact is, she was a highly sensitive baby/toddler/child and definitely high maintenance. I most certainly attended to her needs, but I'm not stupid - I very much encouraged her to be independent and form her own personality, thoughts, opinions. My own mother, who was textbook Borderline, used to become quite literally enraged if my sisters and I didn't agree with her at a level of 100%.
My eldest sister was neurotically attached to our mother, whereas my other sister and I fought for our independence.

There was none of that going on with my daughter. Roles were clear, everyone allowed and encouraged to be who they were, naturally.

I really believe that my daughter is just going through the transition from young adult to full-on adulthood. And as her mother, I'm naturally the safest target for her flourishing adult identity.

As for the phone calls...shaming her? No, not at all. I just find it confusing and even amusing that she made it very clear about wanting a vacation away from "everyone" (me included)...I didn't plan to call her at all, and haven't, because I respect her need to have her time away. Yet, she has called me once or twice a day. I'll be surprised if she doesn't come home and tell me that I called her while she was on vacation. I'm not freaking out about it; it's just something she tends to do. Oldest child syndrome, perhaps? As in, they feel/believe that the whole family is their responsibility.
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