Psych Central

Go Back   Forums at Psych Central > Health & Other Support > Healthy Parenting



advertisement
Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
Old 03-30-2018, 06:58 AM   #1
Member
profound_betrayal determined
 
Member Since: Apr 2014
Location: to
Posts: 139
3 yr Member
100 hugs
given
Default anxious teen

hi,

i was just wondering if anyone had a teen who is anxious whenever meeting their dad. A parent that the teen perceives as wanting them to be perfect I am having issues re my teen's visiting his dad (btw, someone felt that dad has BPD). The fears come from not 'meeting the standards expected by dad ...' They worry about conversations where the shortcomings might come up & then what?!!! 'The visits always take place but apparently it is stressful ...

How do I reassure my child? what should I say to get them to stay calm, less fearful/anxious & not worry for the duration of the time away?

Any suggestions re reassurance? (until more can be done!) Thanks for any help
__________________
profound_betrayal
fighting the unknown ... (mind )
profound_betrayal is offline   Reply With Quote

advertisement
Old 03-30-2018, 09:16 AM   #2
justafriend306
Guest
justafriend306 has no updates. Edit
 
Posts: n/a
Default Re: anxious teen

might you try reinforcing that which is positive elsewise in his life? What is your relationship like with his father? I also wonder does his father treat his custodial time as a holiday? Or is it treated as though his place is a second home. I have seen the above backfire - especially when the ex is a 'Disneyland dad'. I have seen children get anxious and tense as they feel they raise their own behavioural expectations in response. I think what is happening is the child feels they must prove they are deserving of the attention they are being given. Is this at all familiar?

Does the teen have a guidance counsellor to talk to at school perhaps? Having an encouraging person he respects in addition to yourself might be beneficial. Would you be interested in talking to the guidance counsellor yourself to get some feedback?

Maybe too it might be helpful to enroll the boy in some extra-curricular activities. This could be a positive thing to share on dad's time. Seeing the child perform a range of activities might loosen the expectations of the father.
  Reply With Quote
"Thanks for this!" says:
Old 03-30-2018, 12:28 PM   #3
Member
profound_betrayal determined
 
Member Since: Apr 2014
Location: to
Posts: 139
3 yr Member
100 hugs
given
Default Re: anxious teen

Quote:
Originally Posted by justafriend306 View Post
might you try reinforcing that which is positive elsewise in his life? What is your relationship like with his father? I also wonder does his father treat his custodial time as a holiday? Or is it treated as though his place is a second home. I have seen the above backfire - especially when the ex is a 'Disneyland dad'. I have seen children get anxious and tense as they feel they raise their own behavioural expectations in response. I think what is happening is the child feels they must prove they are deserving of the attention they are being given. Is this at all familiar?

Does the teen have a guidance counsellor to talk to at school perhaps? Having an encouraging person he respects in addition to yourself might be beneficial. Would you be interested in talking to the guidance counsellor yourself to get some feedback?

Maybe too it might be helpful to enroll the boy in some extra-curricular activities. This could be a positive thing to share on dad's time. Seeing the child perform a range of activities might loosen the expectations of the father.

Thanks so much for getting back justafriend.

I am trying to reinforce & my child just started with extracurricular after not being motivated for some time. School isn't going well & grades are very important to dad i think thats what started it - having to visit dad and risk whatever outcome !!??? the vacation time is laid back & activities are more relaxed as dad is busy - the home is not really a 'second home.' So the activities are laid back but the response may not be ...

my x had a crisis during which time his behaviour was similar to bpd. i am currently blamed for everything that went wrong in the relationship & his entire life. There are a lot of mommie projection issues for me to deal with. I was advised to go "no contact" due to the emotional abuse & ongoing blame, which i do find helpful.

i can't be a good parent if I am subjected to that abuse. I was beginning to suffer anxiety, & I am hoping that this is NOT what my teen is experiencing. i have very little to do with my x. He uses every opportunity to attack. i can't win or rationalize.

I will read your response again. thanks again for taking the time to respond!
__________________
profound_betrayal
fighting the unknown ... (mind )
profound_betrayal is offline   Reply With Quote
Hugs from:
Old 04-06-2018, 12:27 PM   #4
Grand Poohbah
 
technigal's Avatar
technigal has no updates.
 
Member Since: Sep 2013
Location: Edmonton, Alberta, Canada
Posts: 1,611
My Mood:

3 yr Member
825 hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Default Re: anxious teen

My son took a program for anxiety called "Facing Your Fears". The parent and child books can be found online. It may help him in the long term. My son is autistic and feels that anything less than 100% is a failure. We have worked hard to let him know that we are pleased as long as he is trying. I find with my son if I let him know that we have struggles too that he copes better. Knowing that mom and dad have anxiety/worries validates that it is ok to have worries too.
__________________
Mags

Depression diagnosed March 1996
PTSD diagnosed January 2000
BPD diagnosed September 2013
technigal is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 04-08-2018, 09:11 AM   #5
justafriend306
Guest
justafriend306 has no updates. Edit
 
Posts: n/a
Default Re: anxious teen

You might be able to focus the anxiety into a success. My son had lots of anxiety about being good enough. I mentioned activities as this turned into a positive outlet for my own son. He discovered soccer and he discovered running - and that all of his energy positively affected his ability. He was able to turn anxiety around into a success. He still obviously worries about things but his life is still wrapped around these same activities. In fact, he made such a success of it he has managed to forge a career out of it. Basically, he found a way to turn the negative into a positive.

I truly hope the best for your own teen and that he finds a drive in something he can focus on.
  Reply With Quote
Reply

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are Off
Pingbacks are Off
Refbacks are Off



All times are GMT -5. The time now is 09:33 AM.


Powered by vBulletin® — Copyright © 2000 - 2018, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.



advertisement

 

The material on this site is for informational purposes only, and is not a substitute for medical advice,
diagnosis or treatment provided by a qualified health care provider.
Always consult your doctor or mental health professional before trying anything you read here.

 

HomeAbout UsContact UsPrivacy PolicyTerms of UseDisclaimer
Forums HomeCommunity GuidelinesHelp


 
Helplines and Lifelines