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Old 03-26-2018, 09:43 PM   #1
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Frown Need help with my 15 year old teenage son

my teenage boy does not understand that what he does is wrong. my wife and i took his phone and PS4 because he was not getting to school, had bad grades, messy room, bad behavior. we told him he had to improve his grades, get his room clean and improve his behavior. we had his phone and PS4 for a few weeks. he found his phone and took it. we took it back and told him he may not get it back again. a couple of weeks went by. he improved his grades, but his behavior was still bad. we sat down and told him that he would get his stuff in a couple of weeks if his behavior improved. after about a week, he went into his sister's room and took her old iPhone. we told him he stole her phone and said that he would not have had to do that if we had not taken his phone. he really does not understand anything other than what he wants. he does not care about anything else. not sure what else to do with him. i do not feel like the discipline we are using is working. he has been seeing counselors with no success and he is currently on medication for anxiety/social anxiety. i feel like he does not understand anything outside of what he wants. he really does not even understand why what he has done is bad.
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Old 03-27-2018, 03:40 AM   #2
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Default Re: Need help with my 15 year old teenage son

No one has commented on the problems that youíre having with your son.

Are the counselors that he sees responsible for assessing your sonís mental health? Who is writing the prescriptions for his anxiety/social anxiety meds?

I see that youíve had only a handful of posts in 14 years? Have you considered psychotherapy for your son? Iím not sure that discipline is going to work with a teen who does as he pleases without any regard for others.



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Old 03-27-2018, 08:36 AM   #3
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Default Re: Need help with my 15 year old teenage son

It sounds like you are having a power struggle with your son, your ego against his.

I don't believe that taking away his possessions will help the situation. If someone took my possessions away it would not force me to be a better person.

Are you all in family therapy?
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Old 03-27-2018, 01:18 PM   #4
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Default Re: Need help with my 15 year old teenage son

This sounds very much like my step son.I have a few suggestions that just might get things moving in a more acceptable direction. They are I admit pretty hard line.

1. Do not give him anything. Make him earn it. This means by earning his keep around the house or ultimately getting a job. As for that phone, I believe he ought to be paying for it himself either by a job or performing tasks around the house. Again, he is old enough to be responsible for himself and that starts with being responsible for his 'things'. Remember, a cell phone and PS4 are not a right, they are earned privileges.

2. Make him responsible for his own needs At his age I certainly hope he is doing his own laundry, etc.

3. Privacy and respect are not rights; they are earned.Unless he is paying rent, that bedroom is yours. If he refuses to keep it clean you may have to take serious measures. Don't I sound like a horrible mom but I really had no choice (I did the same with my daughter incidentally). I pulled the pins and removed the bedroom door off it's hinges. The boy had to earn privacy and respect back before the door was returned.

4. Realise then that playing tough is necessary.
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Old 03-27-2018, 04:51 PM   #5
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Default Re: Need help with my 15 year old teenage son

Quote:
Originally Posted by amicus_curiae View Post
No one has commented on the problems that youíre having with your son.

Are the counselors that he sees responsible for assessing your sonís mental health? Who is writing the prescriptions for his anxiety/social anxiety meds?

I see that youíve had only a handful of posts in 14 years? Have you considered psychotherapy for your son? Iím not sure that discipline is going to work with a teen who does as he pleases without any regard for others.



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Thanksfor the reply.

He has been seeing a counselor, but she was only talking to him and not letting meknow what is going on. I have to tell them that I would like to speak toher. she will ask my son how it is going and ask some questions, but thatis it. Last time I went there she did not even remember that I asked thatmy son be taken off Lithium and Buspar. She recommended he talk to acounselor (which he did in the past) and it really went nowhere. He evenhad a mental evaluation and all we have learned from all of this is that heMIGHT have a border line personality. No one will commit to thisbecause he is under 18 years old. I am trying to get a new therapistwhere I can define what we need right from the start. The frustrationcomes from the fact that nothing has helped.
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Old 03-27-2018, 05:23 PM   #6
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Default Re: Need help with my 15 year old teenage son

Quote:
Originally Posted by *Laurie* View Post
It sounds like you are having a power struggle with your son, your ego against his.

I don't believe that taking away his possessions will help the situation. If someone took my possessions away it would not force me to be a better person.

Are you all in family therapy?


Thanks for the reply. we are looking for another counselor that can mediate between our son and us. the last therapist and counselor were not effective. right now, the only way to get his attention is to take things away when he is not doing what he should. the problem we are having is that he will do whatever he can to get what he wants back, even if that means going through someone's stuff is what he needs to do.
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Old 03-27-2018, 05:27 PM   #7
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Quote:
Originally Posted by justafriend306 View Post
This sounds very much like my step son.I have a few suggestions that just might get things moving in a more acceptable direction. They are I admit pretty hard line.

1. Do not give him anything. Make him earn it. This means by earning his keep around the house or ultimately getting a job. As for that phone, I believe he ought to be paying for it himself either by a job or performing tasks around the house. Again, he is old enough to be responsible for himself and that starts with being responsible for his 'things'. Remember, a cell phone and PS4 are not a right, they are earned privileges.

2. Make him responsible for his own needs At his age I certainly hope he is doing his own laundry, etc.

3. Privacy and respect are not rights; they are earned.Unless he is paying rent, that bedroom is yours. If he refuses to keep it clean you may have to take serious measures. Don't I sound like a horrible mom but I really had no choice (I did the same with my daughter incidentally). I pulled the pins and removed the bedroom door off it's hinges. The boy had to earn privacy and respect back before the door was returned.

4. Realise then that playing tough is necessary.

I would be interested to find out how this worked out. this is where we are now and he goes to great lengths to try to find ways around this. every time I think he will stay the course, he does something impulsive and blows it. he is only nice to us because he thinks it will get him what he wants, but if he doesn't, he reverts back to bad behavior and thinks that he will "never get his stuff" back.
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Old 03-27-2018, 06:06 PM   #8
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Default Re: Need help with my 15 year old teenage son

Quote:
Originally Posted by justafriend306 View Post
3. Privacy and respect are not rights; they are earned.Unless he is paying rent, that bedroom is yours. If he refuses to keep it clean you may have to take serious measures. Don't I sound like a horrible mom but I really had no choice (I did the same with my daughter incidentally). I pulled the pins and removed the bedroom door off it's hinges. The boy had to earn privacy and respect back before the door was returned.
Seriously? You took away the bedroom doors of teens? Yeah, that's wrong and it's creepy.

Privacy IS a right.

Who else is in your home?





[TRIGGER]

Did any of you watch the kids explore themselves sexually while the door was off?...I mean, you left them no privacy.
Where's your bedroom door?
Ew.
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Last edited by *Laurie*; 03-27-2018 at 07:11 PM..
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Old 03-27-2018, 06:08 PM   #9
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Default Re: Need help with my 15 year old teenage son

OP you need family therapy. End of story.
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Old 03-27-2018, 07:02 PM   #10
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Default Re: Need help with my 15 year old teenage son

Honestly I would take every thing out of his room except his bed and clothes and make him earn everything back while doing family. therapy. Yes I don't even think taking the door off his bedroom is that bad of an idea if he refuses to leave it open. When he has earned trust back he can have the door back.

This is a very hard line to take and as his parents you must stay steadfast with it even through the nagging and complaining. Tough times require tough measures. I wish you the best of luck with this child. Until he knows you absolutely won't back down until things change he will not change. If your other child can handle it I would put a lock on her room so he couldn't get in the room. This is probably a longer term project.

You are right in that no one will put the label of personality disorder on him until he is an adult. What if he left the house? You need the support of a clinical person to help you. If he will not go to family therapy maybe you and your spouse should go s o you have that support and time away to have a break. You could also make it a condition of getting his things back. Be prepared for the long haul.
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