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Old 03-27-2018, 11:42 PM   #21
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Default Re: Need help with my 15 year old teenage son

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Originally Posted by Artchic528 View Post
As a sister of a former "troubled teen", I can for sure say that adding stress to a child's life, I.E. a demanding schedule that takes a lot out of them, is one of the major causes of a rebellion in teens. Also, boredom. If a child is smart, and finds that they aren't challenged, they will act out because they have nothing to occupy their minds, or time.

Here is a good article on teenage rebellion.

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/b...in-adolescence
What I don't understand is when a parent wants to completely shut down a teen's rebellion. Some rebellion is normal during the teen years. Plenty of parents just don't want to put the time, energy, and patience into respecting the teen and really listening to the person's needs. It's all about just shut it down! Why?
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Old 03-28-2018, 01:48 AM   #22
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Default Re: Need help with my 15 year old teenage son

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Thanksfor the reply.

He has been seeing a counselor, but she was only talking to him and not letting meknow what is going on. I have to tell them that I would like to speak toher. she will ask my son how it is going and ask some questions, but thatis it. Last time I went there she did not even remember that I asked thatmy son be taken off Lithium and Buspar. She recommended he talk to acounselor (which he did in the past) and it really went nowhere. He evenhad a mental evaluation and all we have learned from all of this is that heMIGHT have a border line personality. No one will commit to thisbecause he is under 18 years old. I am trying to get a new therapistwhere I can define what we need right from the start. The frustrationcomes from the fact that nothing has helped.
I understand and I would certainly recommend that your son see a new therapist. Because of your sonís age you have the right to be informed of his medical conditions including diagnoses and medications.

There had to be an MD prescribing the lithium and Buspar ó did you ever talk to a doctor? You would have needed to give consent (usually written) to have your son treated. Was there a reason that you wanted your son off of the meds?

I have never parented a teenager so I canít give any opinion about parenting techniques. I canít imagine the frustration that you must feel. Youíve a parental obligation for your minor son, though, and I donít recommend that you exact payment for room and board.

The behaviors that you describe are extreme and might be indicative of personality disorders. Rather than butting heads with your son, you should become more intimately involved with his treatment. Find a therapist who will talk to you, offer diagnoses, and work with an MD if medications are indicated.

Good luck.


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Old 03-28-2018, 02:31 AM   #23
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Default Re: Need help with my 15 year old teenage son

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This sounds very much like my step son.I have a few suggestions that just might get things moving in a more acceptable direction. They are I admit pretty hard line.

1. Do not give him anything. Make him earn it. This means by earning his keep around the house or ultimately getting a job. As for that phone, I believe he ought to be paying for it himself either by a job or performing tasks around the house. Again, he is old enough to be responsible for himself and that starts with being responsible for his 'things'. Remember, a cell phone and PS4 are not a right, they are earned privileges.

2. Make him responsible for his own needs At his age I certainly hope he is doing his own laundry, etc.

3. Privacy and respect are not rights; they are earned.Unless he is paying rent, that bedroom is yours. If he refuses to keep it clean you may have to take serious measures. Don't I sound like a horrible mom but I really had no choice (I did the same with my daughter incidentally). I pulled the pins and removed the bedroom door off it's hinges. The boy had to earn privacy and respect back before the door was returned.

4. Realise then that playing tough is necessary.
Iíve never parented a teen and canít imagine the frustration that might occur with the behaviors of a mentally ill child. A parent is obliged to care for a minor child and yet the minor child is not under any obligation to the parent. It would be unusual but a minor might sue a parent for removing, e.g., the Ďright to privacy,í when previously afforded. There must be some case law, Iíll look. You need not respect your child but, at 15, a child can expect a right to privacy from the legal parents. A minor child has no obligations to the parents, though. No obligation to keep a clean room or do his laundry or to meet his own basic needs or to respect the parent(s). The latter must be earned, too. No contract can exist between parent and child and the child has no agency though he/she may have some expectations of rights depending on a variety of circumstances.

Iím not certain if denying privacy to a 15-year-old child diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder would be adjudicated as Ďchild abuse,í but it might. I think that I would consider the well-being of the minor before administering punishments. I understand the tough-love approach but Iím not certain that it plays well with mentally ill children.




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Old 03-28-2018, 02:48 AM   #24
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Default Re: Need help with my 15 year old teenage son

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As I do with every poster here I take them at their word. I don't think anyone who comes to ask for help with their 15 year old is abusing their kid, nor will I make that assumption. As, I said family therapy we could be important here. I had a time in my life where I was not allowed to close my bedroom door. Why? Because I couldn't handle it. Earning people's trust is very important. You can't have successful relationships if there is no trust. I can tell you those around me loved me dearly and it never felt abusive. I just screwed up enough to make that not closing the door a reality for me. Lesson learned!
Iím with her. The Laurie girl.

This is a tale of adult parents and a minor child. It isnít a competition between the two and a parent needs to be the grownup. The comment about keeping your door open? Because you ďcouldnít handleĒ what? Yes, trust is absolutely necessary in any relationship but I just donít see the trust in an Ďopen doorí situation. What in the world could be going on behind the bedroom door of a 15-year-old boy? Chronic masturbation?

Back to the OP. I know nothing about family therapy but it seems that others think that it may be worthwhile and I think thatís good advice.


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Old 03-28-2018, 05:18 AM   #25
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Default Re: Need help with my 15 year old teenage son

So you are saying that every teen or child that has either an onset of some type of anxiety disorder or a lifetime of something like adhd/add or adolescent onset bipolar is because of not receiving nurturing in their life?
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Old 03-28-2018, 06:38 AM   #26
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Default Re: Need help with my 15 year old teenage son

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Actually, when dealing with defiance, it's written in literature that doors off is an option. I used the threat of the door coming off, if doors continued to be slammed. Logical consequence in my eyes. The door didn't get further than a turn of the first screw.

Lithium and buspar sound rather intense.

The thing about defiant children is written- hopelessly optimistic.

Have you an explosive child? That round of literature talks about baskets. I interpret it as picking battles. What can be comprimised?

If withholding items isn't motivating, what else do these therapists suggest?

I get your frustration. I have a 15 year old son, myself. I'm looking at a more therapeutic version of outward bound as highly recommended by my boss. He daughter's bf went and it was life changing.

I've scoured the internet, to be perfectly honest. I'm not turning up much. I am seeing many others that struggle. Just not as many viable answers and solutions. Just know you are not alone. PM me if you'd like.
Literary door removal? An ďexplosive child?Ē Again with the literature and ďbaskets?Ē Are these new psychiatric terms? Um,yeah, Pavlov proved the impetus of behavior change by withholding items. And salivating.

I was a 15-year-old boy, once. Such a good child who did such horrible things. I gotta say that the love my father showed me ó throughout his all-too-short-life ó was far more life-changing than any therapeutic Outward Bound playtime could have been.

Do your boys know that you love them? Can you tell them that you love them and that you need to feel connected to them and that theyíre breaking your heart and that you just donít know how to understand their behavior?

The parents need to be grown-ups.
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Old 03-28-2018, 06:42 AM   #27
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Default Re: Need help with my 15 year old teenage son

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Actually, when dealing with defiance, it's written in literature that doors off is an option. I used the threat of the door coming off, if doors continued to be slammed. Logical consequence in my eyes. The door didn't get further than a turn of the first screw.

Lithium and buspar sound rather intense.

The thing about defiant children is written- hopelessly optimistic.

Have you an explosive child? That round of literature talks about baskets. I interpret it as picking battles. What can be comprimised?

If withholding items isn't motivating, what else do these therapists suggest?

I get your frustration. I have a 15 year old son, myself. I'm looking at a more therapeutic version of outward bound as highly recommended by my boss. He daughter's bf went and it was life changing.

I've scoured the internet, to be perfectly honest. I'm not turning up much. I am seeing many others that struggle. Just not as many viable answers and solutions. Just know you are not alone. PM me if you'd like.
Wow. A problem that canít be solved by the Internet.

My Internetís busted and canít parent my child.
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Old 03-28-2018, 07:10 AM   #28
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Default Re: Need help with my 15 year old teenage son

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So you are saying that every teen or child that has either an onset of some type of anxiety disorder or a lifetime of something like adhd/add or adolescent onset bipolar is because of not receiving nurturing in their life?
Are you responding to Laurie?

Iíve become her biggest fan; first, for writing one of the best summations of parenting healthy children and, secondly, because I cried when reading what she wrote.

Iím not seeing anything about anxiety disorders or bipolar disorders?

Of course children require nurturing ó as an infant we are more helpless than most mammals. Iím guessing that most people, not all, realize that they have obligations as a parent. Nurturing is the most basic act of parenting ó feeding and protecting, encouraging growth and educating.

Nurturing doesnít come to a stop when a child is 15. Or because a child is mentally ill. I think that I agree with the majority offering support ó the OP should look into family therapy.
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Old 03-28-2018, 09:53 AM   #29
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Default Re: Need help with my 15 year old teenage son

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Originally Posted by *Laurie* View Post
This thread really bothers me.

Frankly, we don't know what the circumstances in your family are, OP. I'm certainly not accusing anyone, but how do we know the boy isn't being abused in some way? Or maybe he's autistic and truly doesn't comprehend why his behavior is wrong? And here is a thread of several "experts" (cough, cough) urging OP to crucify the kid.

What is it that gets people so angry at teens? Have respect and love for the child and you'll get it back. But, it might be too late for that because disrespect and hate is already established.

Sick thread.
i appreciate the input from this group. let me first say that there is no history of abuse. from some of the posts i see, we are not hard enough. i think taking everything away from him may have worked with most teens, but in this case, he is simply doing his best to get around what he perceives to be a situation where we are "rude to him" and taking his things away from him. i feel like traditional "Dr. Phil" methods may not be the answer here. i am not sure whether or not he has some slight form of autism (he has not been diagnosed with that) or not, but i do believe there is an alternative method to fix this issue. i believe he genuinely feels that he has done nothing wrong. when he typically gets in trouble, he says things like:
"why are you being rude to me?/ you are being rude to me"
"i didn't do anything wrong"
"I did what you said and i did not get my stuff back"
this last statement made me think, because we were going to give him his things back if he got his grades up, he did, but my wife told me that he was being rude and disrespectful to her, and part of the terms to getting his things back were better behavior. we sat down with him and laid out a future plan for him to follow so he could keep his privileges. we did, however, tell him that he would have to wait a couple of weeks for his things due to his behavior. that of course upset him, but we explained that his behavior must improve. i have wondered whether or not that was a mistake. this is when he took his sister's phone a week later.
like i said, at this point i am at a loss. i am hoping the upcoming appointment with a counselor/therapist will help. in the meantime, he is very unhappy, and i worry about that because i am not sure what we are dealing with.
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Old 03-28-2018, 10:15 AM   #30
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Default Re: Need help with my 15 year old teenage son

thank you so much for your comments - we have seen counselors and then we also had him see a therapist since the LCSW we were seeing could not actually prescribe medication for him.
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