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Old 01-15-2018, 07:46 AM   #1
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Default Son Thriving But I知 Grieving

I raised my son to become a man, create a life for himself to be self supporting and happy....and he did, astonishingly fast. While I am so happy and proud of him, I am feeling grief and loss.

That baby bird left the nest and never looked back!

He graduated college, got a good job, moved in with his gf who he plans to marry, and really blew us off.

When I call him, I sense an attitude of separation.

I guess it痴 mostly due to the bad start we致e had with his gf. He痴 become a part of her family now.

I feel abandoned.

I love my son with all my heart. We had the best relationship until he flew the nest. Now I feel like just letting him live his life and not even trying to ever see him.

I can sense the influence of his gf tugging him away from us (especially from me).

I have always called him at least once a week. He calls occasionally, now hardly at all, if ever.

Let him live and be well.

I did my job as a mother, to raise him to be self sufficient...and now I am grieving and feeling such loss because HE has made us feel that way. I guess I didn稚 teach him to call his mother sometimes and make peace between his woman and his family.

What should I do?
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Old 01-15-2018, 09:34 AM   #2
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Default Re: Son Thriving But I知 Grieving

Hi Tisha. Sorry you're feeling abandonment and loss. I'm not a parent, and I'm in awe of people who can pull off this often-thankless task.

To be honest, your son's behaviour sounds perfectly normal, to me.

I'm trying to think back to the males in my social group when I was that age, and yes, not-calling-your-mother is what everyone did.

It's all about friends, at that age. And after that, dating. These two things would take up about 75% of a twenty-something's thoughts. Career might take up another 25%? Look! There's nothing left!

I hope you don't mind me being light-hearted about it.

You've done an amazing job, to create a person who can get out there and be popular, go to college, have friends, develop an independent 'self', fall in love.
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Old 01-15-2018, 09:37 AM   #3
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I would give him some space. Give it time, he will contact you eventually. I'm sure he would appreciate you stepping back for a bit.
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Old 01-15-2018, 06:48 PM   #4
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It sounds like you are suffering from empty nest syndrome. My parents got a dog when we all moved out I think to help with those feelings, especially my mom. Try to feel proud of yourself for all the work you put in and that you son is successful and not needing to move in with you. In today's economy that is a major step. He is doing what you were trying to teach him to do as he grew up.

It is hard to feel like your son is abandoning you. Have you shared your feelings with him that you want to have more contact? If not, then he can't know that. Do you have a spouse? If so, have you talked to your spouse about this? Does your spouse have more contact with your son? My understanding is that overall guys are less chatty. This might mean that he is okay with the amount you guys talk and unless you let him know you want more contact he wont think of that. But I know I'm stereotyping with that comment.
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Old 01-15-2018, 08:26 PM   #5
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Default Re: Son Thriving But I知 Grieving

Be nice to his girlfriend. You are under no obligation to like her. But you absolutely are under a social obligation to be courteous and gracious toward her. (At least that's what proper etiquette would advize.) Do not speak disparagingly of her to your son.

I give you credit for having the honesty to recognize that your relationship with the gf is at the crux of the alienation that you feel between your son and you.

Your son may have made a bad choice of a domestic partner. But that's for him to figure out.
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Old 01-16-2018, 10:58 AM   #6
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Thank you all!

At the real crux of it, is that I am hurt at how my son seems to have turned on us.

He says I told him he was 租isowned. This is an especially sore subject as it is a running theme of abuse my mother gives to me and my sisters. I never said that. He misunderstood. Then he mistrusted. He never spoke in honesty about it. Why didn;t he even call his father, if that痴 what he thought I said. (I even asked him this when the shyt hit the fan about all this over Thanksgiving). I said BS to his claiming I said that to him.
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Old 01-16-2018, 11:03 AM   #7
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And I feel that it was his gf who influenced him to turn. For sure. And that痴 what I am not liking. Red flags about that. Just a feeling a mother gets. It痴 actually out of protection for my son. It痴 also protection of what we had as a family unit. We are a team! I知 upset he so quickly turned his trust and loyalty away from us. How could he believe we would ever hurt him? Even if his gf talked him into it. How could he be so unsure of us? How could he think I don稚 love him with every fiber of my being?
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Old 01-16-2018, 11:05 AM   #8
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I understand that you feel hurt, Tisha, but I hope you will give him some space. If you bring up these feelings to him, it will likely push him further away. Give him some time to live his life. It sounds like you really love and care about your son, and a part of that is letting him figure out what he wants.
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Old 01-16-2018, 11:09 AM   #9
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Default Re: Son Thriving But I知 Grieving

And yes, I have empty nest syndrome, too. I wasn稚 expecting him to be quite so independent and grown up and flew away so fast. I知 just in shock it happened so fast.

I had midlife crisis so bad, and now I have this. I go through everything.

I am also worried that it is that we now know that I (his mom) has a PD, etc... and I am not capable of getting through life without destroying everything in my path. I subconsciously knew, once he became a grown man, I might start having friction with him. I never expected it from my D! He痴 the sweetest natured guy.

This was the kid who cartwheeled in to the room. I miss him so much.

He knows I致e been very sick. I wish I 素elt the love from him. I feel he turned it off somehow. Is this her influence?
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Old 01-16-2018, 11:12 AM   #10
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Default Re: Son Thriving But I知 Grieving

Quote:
Originally Posted by scaredandconfused View Post
I understand that you feel hurt, Tisha, but I hope you will give him some space. If you bring up these feelings to him, it will likely push him further away. Give him some time to live his life. It sounds like you really love and care about your son, and a part of that is letting him figure out what he wants.
Yes, I知 not going to say anything to him. I知 not even going to call. Just a quick 蘇ello once a week. Maybe just a text to keep in touch.

Because, if I spoke to him more, I壇 probably make it worse.
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