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Old 01-16-2018, 11:14 AM   #11
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Default Re: Son Thriving But I知 Grieving

There was an incident over Thanksgiving where he was texting, obviously with his gf, right in front of us, but not letting us know, just secretly, and I noticed and called him on it, of course. It was during buying him a car. He kept texting her, like she was telling him what to do. It was SNEAKY of him to do. It says a lot about this situation.
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Old 01-16-2018, 11:15 AM   #12
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Default Re: Son Thriving But I知 Grieving

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Yes, I知 not going to say anything to him. I知 not even going to call. Just a quick 蘇ello once a week. Maybe just a text to keep in touch.

Because, if I spoke to him more, I壇 probably make it worse.
I think a big issue is that you are questioning his choice of partner, and turning it into a "me vs. her" kind of battle. That is not at all fair to put your son through; he does not deserve to be put in the middle like that.

You ask if his lack of contacting you could be "her influence", I would say not at all. He is an adult and can make his own decisions. The only bad influence I see is your outright dislike of her, which is probably making your son feel very uncomfortable and keeping his distance from you. Try to think of things from his perspective. He loves you and his partner very much, and doesn't want to choose between the two. That is very rough indeed!
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Old 01-16-2018, 12:18 PM   #13
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Default Re: Son Thriving But I知 Grieving

Sorry Tish, I agree with Scaredandconfused. You're going to drive him away if you can't step back.

You wrote: 'He did this' or 'He made me feel this way', (or similar). But your feelings are not his responsibility. He's just living his life.

Put a smile on your face, grit your teeth and welcome the girl. Then he won't be forced to secretly text her.

His choice of partner is none of your business.

Sorry for being brutal, but you've had a great relationship with your son so far. Don't spoil it now with controlling and emotionally blackmailing behaviour.
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Old 01-16-2018, 01:56 PM   #14
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I'm a mom of four, but we are a way a away from them leaving the nest. However my heart aches when I read your words. It must be so hard for you. What I would do is journal your feelings. In case he ever wonders if you caree (while giving him space) you can show him. Big, gigantic hugs to you.
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Old 01-16-2018, 02:07 PM   #15
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I am also worried that it is that we now know that I (his mom) has a PD, etc... and I am not capable of getting through life without destroying everything in my path.
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Just a quick 蘇ello once a week. Maybe just a text to keep in touch.

Because, if I spoke to him more, I壇 probably make it worse.
You don't destroy everything--you are saying this because you are upset. Just checking in once a week briefly sounds like the right thing to do--even if he doesn't respond. Only check in with him when you are feeling centered verses upset.

Our children have a firm grip on our hearts. At least he is healthy and doing well. That is a true blessing and you can be proud of the role you played.
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Old 01-16-2018, 04:08 PM   #16
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If you ask him to choose between his mother and his girlfriend, he will choose the person he lives with. She is the most important person in his life now.

As I said, you don't have to like her. Maybe, if I met her, I mightn't like her either. Sometimes the best we can do is put up with someone. If she is flat out rude or disrespectful to you, then you have a right to object. But your objection has to be to a specific incident of bad behavior. You can't take issue with what you suspect goes on between your son and his gf, no natter how strong your gut feeling is . . . and even though you may be right about what you think goes on. She is under no obligation to like you either, but she is obligated to be courteous to you.

If your son is using his cell phone in your presence in a way that is rude, then you can call him on that. What influence his gf may have is beside the point. Your son is totally responsible for his behavior, regardless of who influenced him. If he brings a young woman into your home who behaves badly, you have a right to mention that to him. But it has to be concrete and specific. You can't object to what you imagine he and his girlfriend talk about privately between themselves. (Even though you may guess right about it.) That's their business.

Your son and his gf are a team now. They live together. They are a package deal. To get one, you have to take the other. That's how it goes. Someday, she may be the mother of your grandchildren. You can isolate yourself from all that. Their lives will go on, with you or without you.

Lots of people aren't real fond of their childrens' spouses or S.O.s. But, they work on concealing that, if they want to stay involved in the lives of their sons and daughters. If staying involved isn't important to you and you just have to make it clear how much you dislike your son's gf, you can do that. But your life will be the poorer for it. They will walk away, hand-in-hand, and you won't matter much to them. Then that nest of yours will truly be a barren place.

Your son is not to old to be corrected by you when he's wrong. But there's ways of doing that, without burning bridges. I wouldn't get into futile debates about who said what. People remember things differently. Deal with the here and now.
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Old 01-16-2018, 07:12 PM   #17
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I agree. I値l have to put on a smiling face and shut my mouth. That痴 been the plan all along. But, what happened Thanksgiving and with the car was bad. While we hoped to bond better with his gf, what happened was the opposite.

We致e all been fairly polite.

It痴 not a her against me. I guess nobody gets how I am pissed how he didn稚 trust and respect his parents.

He told us they were getting married! Then he and she and her parents...nobody acted like that was happening. It was all confusing and awkward. And unfortunately, his gf did not act like his SO. She stayed clear of us! We took him to buy a car, she steered clear, but then I caught him texting with her about it. Why didn稚 she just come with us and act like his SO? Why the sneaky texting and distrust for us, the parents?

I知 just venting on here. I知 not going to say anything more about it. I値l stay out of his way.

Yes, he would choose his gf over his mother. He already has. I raised a man and my job is done.
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Old 01-16-2018, 07:17 PM   #18
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Default Re: Son Thriving But I知 Grieving

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I think a big issue is that you are questioning his choice of partner, and turning it into a "me vs. her" kind of battle. That is not at all fair to put your son through; he does not deserve to be put in the middle like that.

You ask if his lack of contacting you could be "her influence", I would say not at all. He is an adult and can make his own decisions. The only bad influence I see is your outright dislike of her, which is probably making your son feel very uncomfortable and keeping his distance from you. Try to think of things from his perspective. He loves you and his partner very much, and doesn't want to choose between the two. That is very rough indeed!
I知 not questioning his choice: she痴 really the perfect match for him, and I am the one who spotted her and pointed her out to him as a cute girl that was his type. She痴 brilliant and beautiful. He certainly could do worse.

I just don稚 like their attitudes. And my son didn稚 have that attitude before her. We decided it is just that they are 壮notty milennials. (No offense to any snotty milennials on here!, jk)
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Old 01-16-2018, 07:32 PM   #19
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Default Re: Son Thriving But I知 Grieving

I am the mother of two adult sons. Both have left and they are not doing what I would have written as a script for their happily ever afters. Sometimes I don't hear from them as they get busy..jobs, kids ect. I also carry guilt about things that happened and how imperfect I was as a mother. I talk about this to my therapist and also have a couple similar aged friends who kids have also flown the coop. My younger son knows how to push my buttons and does it hurt. Sometimes I get advice before I talk to my sons and I usually try to stay supportive. Sometimes that is very, very hard to do.
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Old 01-16-2018, 08:27 PM   #20
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Life is long and the millenials have much to go through. Compare how baby boomers were in the 60's and 70's with how they are now. That generation once thought they knew it all. There is no knowing what joys and sorrows will come into the lives of your son and future daughter-in-law. But they will encounter both. And they will end up being glad of supportive parents. She may gravitate toward her family. If you blame her every time you have an issue with your son, she will dread being around you. Let every adult be fully resposible for his own behavior.

From what I've seen, grandmothers become very popular when new parents find how hard child rearing is. Young couples envision life going along smoothly. Then reality hits.

I know a happily married young couple who told me how their families operate. When they have a fight, his mother encourages him to apologize to his wife. Her mother encourages her to apologize to her husband. Those are two very smart and wise mothers. They are also very loved.

You saw your son learn to walk, then learn to read and write, etc. Now his task is to learn to make a successful marriage. Maybe he will succeed. Maybe he won't. Half of marriages fail. Be rooting for the success of this upcoming marriage. Don't worry about whether his s.o. acts the way you think she should. They have to please each other. They'll figure that out between themselves, or they won't. That's their problem, not yours. Don't burden your mind too much with what is between them. Not your problem. Be a gracious host, when they visit. Find things to complement. Be courteous. Don't take up mind reading. What people think in the privacy of their own heads is their own business.

If they are sometimes immature, realize they haven't lived as long as you have.
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