Psych Central

Go Back   Forums at Psych Central > Health & Other Support > Healthy Parenting



advertisement
Reply
Thread Tools Display Modes
Unread 08-26-2017, 07:28 AM   #1
Member
cureav has no updates.
 
Member Since: Mar 2013
Posts: 137
My Mood:

3 yr Member
3 hugs
given
Default Healthy parental mirroring, how to learn it?

Hi there,
my great concern as a possible future father is parental mirroring.
Basically I know what it is, but since my parents haven't done a good job in that field, I have fear of making the same mistake - not to SEE my kids well enough and to not reflect them their reality back.
Can anybody recommend me an article or a book or write a few words of explanation and guidance?
Thanks a lot!
cureav is offline   Reply With Quote

advertisement
Unread 08-28-2017, 11:56 AM   #2
Member
Pflaumenkeks has no updates.
 
Member Since: Dec 2015
Location: germany
Posts: 144
My Mood:

51 hugs
given
Default Re: Healthy parental mirroring, how to learn it?

Hi there,

I understand your fear. I had a lot of trouble with this one too so I'll try writing some things that helped me.

first of: we all make mistakes. And we all know better then we do. Sometimes you will not be able to reflect back on them when you're stressed and your 2yo lies on the ground, screaming and punching the ground..
(Hopefully) most of the time you get it right, but don't beat yourself up to much if you are a human beeing with own emotions and needs.

That said, part of showing your children their emotions, is teaching them how to deal with them. And one of it is shame.
So: deal with your mistakes and let your child be part of it. Say sorry! Kids have the right to know when you are the one who is wrong and that their feelings in this situation are valid.
Also: it teaches them that there own feelings are as important as yours

Another thing that helped me:
keep it simple. Don't try to give to many words. Use the first thing that comes to your mind. Depending on the mood, you can explore from there, or you just stick with the big words like "angry" "happy" "sad", ..
There will be times when you know a more specific word that just feels accurate: that's the moment you teach them that.

Talk about your own feelings:
Say when you are happy. Say when you are sad. It's a good exercise and creates an environment where it's normal to talk about it.

Take a step back.
This is the hardest one. But when you are angry at your child, try to take a step back. Remind yourself that they are not doing this to hurt or anger you, but because they don't know better/haven't learned better.
Remind yourself that this is a person. It just doesn't have the same tools to deal with their emotions as you do.
And then use this to guide your child.
Tell them "You are sad because granny had to go" and "Are you angry because mommy said 'no'?"

At least for my child, asking instead of saying helped a lot, but I think everyone is different so you have to experiment.

And last but not least:
quality time with your child. Get to know them, learn to read them.
You'll bond so much over play!
And with some nursery rhymes you can make a soft and fun start. They learn names and faces of feelings and eventually they learn how to connect them with their own.

I hope this is at least a bit of help and I wish you so much fun and joy!
It's an exiting experience
Pflaumenkeks is offline   Reply With Quote
Unread 08-28-2017, 04:37 PM   #3
Member
cureav has no updates.
 
Member Since: Mar 2013
Posts: 137
My Mood:

3 yr Member
3 hugs
given
Default Re: Healthy parental mirroring, how to learn it?

Thank you so much Pflaumenkeks for these tips, especially about emotions part (right to the spot!).
A great problem of mine is that I am very much disconnected from my feelings. My father (who is adult child of an alcoholic) taught me "Don't Trust. Don't Talk. Don't Feel" Rule unconsciously. I must first reconnect with my feelings.
We are all humans, make mistakes..
Thank you!
cureav is offline   Reply With Quote
"Thanks for this!" says:
Hugs from:
Unread 08-31-2017, 09:19 PM   #4
Perpetually Pondering
Community Liaison
 
healingme4me's Avatar
healingme4me Needs a little reading lamp.
 
Member Since: Apr 2013
Location: New England
Posts: 37,531 (SuperPoster!)
My Mood:

3 yr Member
5,419 hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Default Re: Healthy parental mirroring, how to learn it?

I wouldn't limit the learning to their younger years. I've been taken aback lately as myself and extended family have been connected online. As my children are growing and maturing, I'm realizing that as an extended family much of what we share reflects off one another. Not in an outdoing manner, but in a devotion to memory making. My former therapist, one session, as I described a discussion with my oldest, mentioned that it's conversation that is a key factor in their emotional development. "Keep talking," he said of my relationship with them.
My own father, lags in communication and it feels tortuous in the moment. It's my pain. I shall not pass that onto this next generation. Certainly, disappointment and struggles are part of life, yet this pain I've felt goes well beyond that.
Maybe look into healthy attachment as you delve into mirroring?
It's good to want to overcome this before taking that step into fatherhood. One of my cousins makes a fine example of a father despite his past.
healingme4me is offline   Reply With Quote
"Thanks for this!" says:
Hugs from:
Reply

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are Off
Pingbacks are Off
Refbacks are Off


All times are GMT -5. The time now is 01:27 AM.


Powered by vBulletin® — Copyright © 2000 - 2017, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.

advertisement

 

The material on this site is for informational purposes only, and is not a substitute for medical advice,
diagnosis or treatment provided by a qualified health care provider.
Always consult your doctor or mental health professional before trying anything you read here.

 

HomeAbout UsContact UsPrivacy PolicyTerms of UseDisclaimer
Forums HomeCommunity GuidelinesHelp

Helplines and Lifelines