Psych Central

Go Back   Forums at Psych Central > Health & Other Support > Healthy Parenting



advertisement
Reply
Thread Tools Display Modes
Unread 04-26-2017, 08:53 PM   #11
Perpetually Pondering
Community Liaison
 
healingme4me's Avatar
healingme4me Needs a little reading lamp.
 
Member Since: Apr 2013
Location: New England
Posts: 37,531 (SuperPoster!)
My Mood:

3 yr Member
5,419 hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Default Re: Mom looking for advice

Yeah, timeouts were a challenge, not that I wasn't trying to be consistent. It turned into my rolling my eyes every pediatric appointment. Ever tried to get a preschool aged child to stay seated while tending to an infant and toddler? One that is strong willed?

Too bad it wasn't until these last couple of years that I began hearing about it not being the end all and be all to parenting. Positive parenting, logical consequences, allowing the choice of punishment to be on their shoulders, not yours. It's about finding what works for you AND your child. Think about it, we, as adults have varying motivating factors, so don't our kids.

Proudly a Time Outs Failed Me Mom...

I'll tell you, 1, 2, 3...January, February and March of this year, my sons each came home with student of the month certificates...

Just don't let it eat at you-this discipline frustration ! It might not be you or your child in this equation.
healingme4me is offline   Reply With Quote

advertisement
Unread 05-22-2017, 03:07 AM   #12
New Member
Emilia Jackson has no updates.
 
Member Since: May 2017
Location: North Dakota, USA
Posts: 4
My Mood:

Default Re: Mom looking for advice

Kids are really hard to deal with, I must totally admit that specially the toddlers. When they reach the age of 4, I can say that they totally want to do it on their own and always wanting to deviate from what has been told to them. The key there is patience, perseverance, understanding and routine as well. Its a two way process in which you need to listen to them and respect their thoughts and decision but you also need to tell them what seems to be bad or good for them. Routine also makes it more easy since your kiddo will somehow confuse on what to do next if you will not make it a habit in order for them to grasp everything you want them to do so.
Emilia Jackson is offline   Reply With Quote
Unread 08-04-2017, 08:18 AM   #13
Member
cherryberry has no updates.
 
Member Since: Aug 2016
Location: US
Posts: 42
Default Re: Mom looking for advice

Physical punishment is the best option.
cherryberry is offline   Reply With Quote
Unread 08-05-2017, 02:49 PM   #14
Magnate
 
scorpiosis37's Avatar
scorpiosis37 has no updates.
 
Member Since: Apr 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 2,076
5 yr Member
18 hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Default Re: Mom looking for advice

Quote:
Originally Posted by cherryberry View Post
Physical punishment is the best option.
You can't be serious. Hitting or spanking a child does not teach discipline. It makes the child fear or hate the parent. Positive parenting is far more effective. Aren't your last couple of posts about how your grown children don't get along with you? Maybe it's not too late to try some positive parenting techniques to help get along with your children now that they are adults.
scorpiosis37 is offline   Reply With Quote
"Thanks for this!" says:
Unread 08-08-2017, 08:56 AM   #15
Member
 
Leyla's Avatar
Leyla has no updates.
 
Member Since: Jul 2016
Location: canada
Posts: 196
My Mood:

4 hugs
given
Default Re: Mom looking for advice

i agree with scorpio..... hitting and spanking doesn't help and eventually they get so used to that.... they won't care and it does damage to their self-esteem and like she said would you want them living in fear of you.

just my 2 cents
Leyla is offline   Reply With Quote
"Thanks for this!" says:
Unread 08-08-2017, 11:58 PM   #16
🖤 Controversial 🖤
 
iPhone's Avatar
iPhone I keep going to the river to pray. Cause I need something that can wash out the pain.
 
Member Since: Jul 2014
Location: Online
Posts: 4,740 (SuperPoster!)
My Mood:

3 yr Member
393 hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Default Re: Mom looking for advice

From what I've seen kids seem better to rewards than punishment. Yes there should be a consequence to certain things(like a 4 minute time out) but focus more on rewarding good behavior. Also explain to him about how what he did was hurtful, how would he feel if someone did it to him...teach empathy.
__________________
Yes, horrible things do happen. Happiness, in the face of all that, that's not the goal. Feeling the horrible, and knowing you're not gonna die from those feelings, that's the point.
iPhone is offline   Reply With Quote
Unread 09-20-2017, 03:22 AM   #17
Member
alicetailor has no updates.
 
Member Since: May 2014
Location: Austin, TX
Posts: 170
3 yr Member
Default Re: Mom looking for advice

Have you considered consulting a counselor?
__________________
Child Care Texas
alicetailor is offline   Reply With Quote
Unread 09-26-2017, 05:11 PM   #18
Member
 
mimsies's Avatar
mimsies This grieving thing is kicking my butt.
 
Member Since: Sep 2014
Location: No Where
Posts: 261
My Mood:

3 yr Member
213 hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Default Re: Mom looking for advice

If one's goal is to make one's children fear and distrust them, lack respect for and loyalty to them, and be secretive and dishonest with them, physical punishment is definitely the best option.

However, if your goal is to raise a thoughtful, compassionate, and mature human being, it takes a LOT of work and effort. It doesn't work to just expect your kids to do what you want, be quiet, and be obedient. It is necessary to be able to be willing to understand their viewpoint and needs, and be someone they can talk to and who they trust.

If a child is not getting their needs met, or feels powerless and unimportant, they will do everything they can to control the situation and make themselves important. Unfortunately for 4 year olds, tantrums and anger are one of the few tools they know they have.

If, a child who is listened to, and thinks they have options and control still is prone to tantrums, it is often necessary to make sure their routine is appropriate for them, and that their physical needs are being met. It may be that they need a snack at a particular time or another nap or quiet time, or they are prone to getting sad or lonely at a certain par of the day and need one on one time to play or be read to with a trusted adult or older beloved child (like sibling, cousin, neighbor).

Time outs can be great, but sometimes people use them too punitively. They are a time for a child to calm down and think and rethink. If time outs make a child too angry and reactive, then something else is needed to accomplish that. Honestly, I often put both my son AND myself in time out together, since by then I was likely frustrated too.we would sit quietly on the couch, not watching tv or playing, I would offer my hand if he wanted to hold it. If, after a little time he wanted to sit in my lap, that also was fine. When we were both calm, we could then talk about what was going on, why he was making the choices he was making, and what needed to be done better on both our parts.

At 17 he still makes mistakes, sometimes BIG ones. But he is also a wonderful person who I trust and admire and am proud to have raised. He trusts me and is honest with me and respects me.He actually ENJOYS spending time with me and seeks out opportunities. At 17!

This is what worked for me. Maybe there is something in it for you as well.

Don't forget, you ARE a good mother, no one does everything perfectly!
mimsies is online now   Reply With Quote
"Thanks for this!" says:
Unread 09-30-2017, 12:55 AM   #19
Grand Magnate
 
Breadfish's Avatar
Breadfish has no updates.
 
Member Since: Feb 2014
Location: Bad Place
Posts: 3,680 (SuperPoster!)
My Mood:

3 yr Member
1,064 hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Default Re: Mom looking for advice

Quote:
Originally Posted by mimsies View Post
If one's goal is to make one's children fear and distrust them, lack respect for and loyalty to them, and be secretive and dishonest with them, physical punishment is definitely the best option.

However, if your goal is to raise a thoughtful, compassionate, and mature human being, it takes a LOT of work and effort. It doesn't work to just expect your kids to do what you want, be quiet, and be obedient. It is necessary to be able to be willing to understand their viewpoint and needs, and be someone they can talk to and who they trust.

If a child is not getting their needs met, or feels powerless and unimportant, they will do everything they can to control the situation and make themselves important. Unfortunately for 4 year olds, tantrums and anger are one of the few tools they know they have.

If, a child who is listened to, and thinks they have options and control still is prone to tantrums, it is often necessary to make sure their routine is appropriate for them, and that their physical needs are being met. It may be that they need a snack at a particular time or another nap or quiet time, or they are prone to getting sad or lonely at a certain par of the day and need one on one time to play or be read to with a trusted adult or older beloved child (like sibling, cousin, neighbor).

Time outs can be great, but sometimes people use them too punitively. They are a time for a child to calm down and think and rethink. If time outs make a child too angry and reactive, then something else is needed to accomplish that. Honestly, I often put both my son AND myself in time out together, since by then I was likely frustrated too.we would sit quietly on the couch, not watching tv or playing, I would offer my hand if he wanted to hold it. If, after a little time he wanted to sit in my lap, that also was fine. When we were both calm, we could then talk about what was going on, why he was making the choices he was making, and what needed to be done better on both our parts.

At 17 he still makes mistakes, sometimes BIG ones. But he is also a wonderful person who I trust and admire and am proud to have raised. He trusts me and is honest with me and respects me.He actually ENJOYS spending time with me and seeks out opportunities. At 17!

This is what worked for me. Maybe there is something in it for you as well.

Don't forget, you ARE a good mother, no one does everything perfectly!
I like the idea of taking time-outs together.
__________________
"All the 'great secrets' under the mountains had turned out to be just empty night:
there was nothing more to find out, nothing worth doing, only nasty furtive eating and resentful remembering."

-- J.R.R. Tolkien

Last edited by Breadfish; 09-30-2017 at 02:32 AM.
Breadfish is offline   Reply With Quote
"Thanks for this!" says:
Reply

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are Off
Pingbacks are Off
Refbacks are Off


All times are GMT -5. The time now is 01:23 AM.


Powered by vBulletin® — Copyright © 2000 - 2017, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.

advertisement

 

The material on this site is for informational purposes only, and is not a substitute for medical advice,
diagnosis or treatment provided by a qualified health care provider.
Always consult your doctor or mental health professional before trying anything you read here.

 

HomeAbout UsContact UsPrivacy PolicyTerms of UseDisclaimer
Forums HomeCommunity GuidelinesHelp

Helplines and Lifelines