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Old 05-24-2018, 09:59 AM   #1
callingforthesun
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Default how to not get immediately defense during conflict?

i have this habit of getting immediately defense and bitchy (i get this awful tone) anytime someone makes any kind of an unpleasant/critical/constructive criticism comment to me. logically i know that this is ridiculous/an overreaction/not conducive to any kind of healthy communication, but i cant help immediately getting that FEELING....that fight or flight...that anger. i hate the person it makes me. i hate the way it makes me behave. i know i have anger issues and i dont know why, and i guess thats for a different thread. but how do you calm down IN THAT MOMENT? when you're irrational, when you cant think straight, when youre literally so worked up its not even safe to go take a drive or a walk? when youre expected to be calm and act like an adult and you cant just go and take a 10 minute "time out?"
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Old 05-25-2018, 07:52 PM   #2
Skeezyks
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Boy... I wish I knew the answer to this! I have a propensity to pop off at the slightest provocation! About all I have been able to come up with is to try to maintain an awareness of the fact that I have this predilection. And then, when a "situation" arises, I try to take a breath & breathe into that urge to attack with the hope that it will pass & I will be able to respond more maturely. (I guess it's sort-of a variation on the practice of compassionate abiding.)* Sometimes it works... other times it doesn't. To be honest, I don't really believe I'll ever get it right 100% of the time. But, each time I catch myself & step back, I hopefully get just a little bit better at doing it. And I increase the likelihood that I'll be able to do it again the next go-around.


* Just in case you're not familiar with it, here's a link to a description of the practice:

https://mindsetdoc.wordpress.com/201...e-abiding-101/
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Old 06-21-2018, 04:07 PM   #3
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Default Re: how to not get immediately defense during conflict?

If you can't be calm, walk a way from the situation until you calm down.Just by practicing that, you will also get used to not immediately 'reacting emotionally' .

Quote:
Originally Posted by callingforthesun View Post
i have this habit of getting immediately defense and bitchy (i get this awful tone) anytime someone makes any kind of an unpleasant/critical/constructive criticism comment to me. logically i know that this is ridiculous/an overreaction/not conducive to any kind of healthy communication, but i cant help immediately getting that FEELING....that fight or flight...that anger. i hate the person it makes me. i hate the way it makes me behave. i know i have anger issues and i dont know why, and i guess thats for a different thread. but how do you calm down IN THAT MOMENT? when you're irrational, when you cant think straight, when youre literally so worked up its not even safe to go take a drive or a walk? when youre expected to be calm and act like an adult and you cant just go and take a 10 minute "time out?"
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Old 07-06-2018, 01:54 AM   #4
Loralai
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Default Re: how to not get immediately defense during conflict?

I have the same issue and whether i have a disorder or not, its no excuse for me. I hate myself for that, for causing others pain for my actions. If i dont find a way to change this, sooner or later i'd have no choice left.
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Old 09-13-2018, 11:11 PM   #5
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Default Re: how to not get immediately defense during conflict?

I have major anger issues and I react similiarly in situations where I'm criticized.

I only managed to think of this for anger once but it worked: My boss (who bullied me) was yelling at me and I had a small chain tassel (like the one in this picture: how to not get immediately defense during conflict? ) in my pocket that I kept rubbing. It helped a lot. I typically use it for anxiety, based off ideas for dealing with Sensory Processing Disorder and ASD sensory overload. Rubbing the chains... It kinda pulled me out of my anger a bit because when I get angry, I get enraged and the feeling takes over my body. Rubbing the chain, feeling the texture of it kept the anger from taking over and it let me think a bit more. I didn't just instantly react and I was able to tune out some of his yelling. But like I said, I was only able to think to use this once in the last 6 months because usually my mind goes red immediately.
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