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Old 05-09-2018, 05:46 PM   #21
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Default Re: Death- expected vs. unexpected

I don't have much experience with death, but I agree that it's always hard. My grandfather committed suicide. I didn't know him well, so it didn't affect me much. But the people closer to him had to deal with guilt and wondering if they could have helped him.
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Old 05-10-2018, 12:21 AM   #22
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Default Re: Death- expected vs. unexpected

My grandmother died unexpectedly from sepsis after having surgery. It happened 12 years ago but I always think about her when a milestone comes up. I know she would have been proud of what her grandkids accomplished but I still get upset knowing how much she missed. And because she died due to surgery I would have severe anxiety anytime I heard someone was having surgery. I worried that they would die soon after like my grandma did. I have worked on this year but I still get nervous about people getting surgery and I don't stop worrying until they are sent home. I am still sad that she never met my husband. I know they would have enjoyed each other's company and she would have been happy for both of us.

My grandfather passed recently and his death was somewhat expected as he had been battling cancer for years. He originally had CLL and early this year we are still not sure what happened but he got lung cancer (I don't know if he smoked) and it spread to his bones. My mom told me that we should prepare ourselves for the inevitable but until recently it looked like he was beating it. I bought him seeds for his birthday so he could garden one more time. Sadly his death came quick. We knew it was coming but we thought we had more time. I helped my family take care of him in hospice and he died with family around him at home. I was able to tell him one last time I loved him and that I was here for him. I am sad that he is gone but know ing I didn't have any unfinished business and that he didn't have any it seemed okay. He's gardening on a higher plane of existence right now. I am going to miss him very much but I feel more okay with it because I had time to say goodbye and be with him.
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Old 05-10-2018, 02:20 AM   #23
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Default Re: Death- expected vs. unexpected

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Originally Posted by ohmydaisy View Post
I've lost grandparents due to old age, it was sad, but expected. It's understood as a normal part of life.

Whereas, my brother was killed by a driver as he was crossing the street, was unexpected. Still trying to process it a couple of years later. It's more difficult. There was so much I wanted to say and experience with him. He was only 24.
But would you rather have had your 24-year-old brother be diagnosed with cancer and have a miserable, lingering death just so you could say goodbye? Or have had the car crash result in him being massively injured and lingering in a painful state for months or years so that you had the chance to say goodbye? I doubt that you would have wanted that for either of you.

Maybe if you can look at it that way, it will help you deal with the loss.
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Old 05-10-2018, 02:03 PM   #24
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Default Re: Death- expected vs. unexpected

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Originally Posted by downandlonely View Post
I don't have much experience with death, but I agree that it's always hard. My grandfather committed suicide. I didn't know him well, so it didn't affect me much. But the people closer to him had to deal with guilt and wondering if they could have helped him.
I think suicide is the hardest type of death to deal with because it hurts everybody who cares about a person SO MUCH, and they always wonder if they had just said the right thing or done the right thing if they could have kept it from happening.

The truth about suicide is that person's pain (physical, mental, or emotional) overwhelms his or her love for everyone else. In that way, it is a selfish act, but a person reaches a point where the pain is no longer bearable and blocks out the LOVE that person feels for others. We need to put love for others as our priority. Take care of yourself and love yourself, too, but love others enough not to ever hurt them in this dastardly way.

Remember, "Suicide is a permanent answer for a temporary problem."

This, too, shall pass.
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Old 05-11-2018, 12:18 AM   #25
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Default Re: Death- expected vs. unexpected

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Originally Posted by SadMom69 View Post
I think suicide is the hardest type of death to deal with because it hurts everybody who cares about a person SO MUCH, and they always wonder if they had just said the right thing or done the right thing if they could have kept it from happening.

The truth about suicide is that person's pain (physical, mental, or emotional) overwhelms his or her love for everyone else. In that way, it is a selfish act, but a person reaches a point where the pain is no longer bearable and blocks out the LOVE that person feels for others. We need to put love for others as our priority. Take care of yourself and love yourself, too, but love others enough not to ever hurt them in this dastardly way.

Remember, "Suicide is a permanent answer for a temporary problem."

This, too, shall pass.
With all due respect suicide is not an "answer" and it's not selfish.
I do agree with some of what you are saying though. They are in deep, dark places and they see no way out. It's not that they don't love those in their life, many think that the ones they love will be better off without them.
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Old 05-11-2018, 01:13 AM   #26
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Default Re: Death- expected vs. unexpected

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Originally Posted by SadMom69 View Post
But would you rather have had your 24-year-old brother be diagnosed with cancer and have a miserable, lingering death just so you could say goodbye? Or have had the car crash result in him being massively injured and lingering in a painful state for months or years so that you had the chance to say goodbye? I doubt that you would have wanted that for either of you.

Maybe if you can look at it that way, it will help you deal with the loss.
Daisy is only discussing mourning the tragic loss of her brother at such a young age, and missing having him in her life going forward.

This line of questioning is irrelevant to anything she said and frankly seems to be designed to inflict shame or guilt, which is not going to help the grief process at all.
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Old 05-11-2018, 07:29 AM   #27
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Default Re: Death- expected vs. unexpected

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Daisy is only discussing mourning the tragic loss of her brother at such a young age, and missing having him in her life going forward.

This line of questioning is irrelevant to anything she said and frankly seems to be designed to inflict shame or guilt, which is not going to help the grief process at all.
It was certainly not my intent to attempt to inflict further pain in any form on Daisy. I was discussing how I would attempt to console myself if I were placed in her position.
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Old 05-12-2018, 02:42 AM   #28
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Default Re: Death- expected vs. unexpected

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Originally Posted by SadMom69 View Post
But would you rather have had your 24-year-old brother be diagnosed with cancer and have a miserable, lingering death just so you could say goodbye? Or have had the car crash result in him being massively injured and lingering in a painful state for months or years so that you had the chance to say goodbye? I doubt that you would have wanted that for either of you.

Maybe if you can look at it that way, it will help you deal with the loss.
I was merely responding with my own experience with both expected & unexpected deaths. Not speaking for everyone, but from my own experience. It was more difficult for me, still is, with how unexpected his death was. I didn't say that I wanted to say goodbye, but I would have liked more time with him, as he was only 24. My brother was killed and massively injured. DOA. We were only allowed to see his hand.

Your way, your thought process does not help with my loss.
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Old 05-16-2018, 01:28 PM   #29
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Unhappy Re: Death- expected vs. unexpected

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Originally Posted by ohmydaisy View Post
I was merely responding with my own experience with both expected & unexpected deaths. Not speaking for everyone, but from my own experience. It was more difficult for me, still is, with how unexpected his death was. I didn't say that I wanted to say goodbye, but I would have liked more time with him, as he was only 24. My brother was killed and massively injured. DOA. We were only allowed to see his hand.

Your way, your thought process does not help with my loss.
I was going to say something along those lines but you said it perfectly.

I'm sure you wouldn't have wanted him to suffer a long, lingering terminal illness instead so you could have more time with him. Everyone's grief/loss is different.:t hrob: I thought the comment about having him suffer instead minimized your pain or downplayed it.

And thinking of him suffering instead of having a sudden death wouldn't help me either. That's because as I think I said below, I lost a good friend suddenly and unexpectedly about 2 years ago. I wish I had more time, wish I had told him some things.

This opposed to losing my mom after she wasted away from cancer. Both are painful but in different ways. And no, I wouldn't have wanted my friend to suffer a long terminal illness, with mom dying suddenly and unexpectedly. Neither one is easy.
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