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Unread 06-23-2017, 05:08 AM   #11
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Default Re: I found my mother dead and can't cope

I've been wanting to go to therapy but dont have the money to pay for it. Im not working because I hurt my back and have something going on with my lungs and just barely got to go to the doctor. Also, when I mention it, my husband makes it seem like I'm over reacting. He always makes me feel like I'm overreacting whenever I try to talk about how I feel. It hurts even more, I need him to be there for me but our marriage has gotten pretty bad since my Mom passed away. It wasnt very good before either. Everything is just so messed up right now, when my husband and I first started dating it was wonderful. He made me feel so special and important. Like he wanted me to be part of his life. He used to text all the time from work to see how my day was going. We used to do things together like work on the house, I really believed that he cared. A couple years ago everything changed and since my Mom passed away he never texts me, if I text him he'll answer 3 or 4 hours later if I'm lucky. He works later by a couple hours and even started working on the weekend. When I try to talk to him hes really snappy if he answers at all. And if I talk about my Mom and it makes me cry, he just stares at his phone. I feel so alone and dont understand why he's being like this in the time I need him most. I dont have many friends and my registration on my car is expired. He controls all the money since he makes it and wont give me the money to get it registered so I'm stuck in my Moms house everyday all day.
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Unread 06-23-2017, 07:51 AM   #12
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Default Re: I found my mother dead and can't cope

Hi ajpj

I am so very sorry for your loses, and I understand all of this must have been/is devastating for you
As for your husband........maybe he's finding things hard.......maybe he just hasn't got it in him to give you what you need right now, I'm sorry.........but at least you've found here to talk

And as for your mom try to remember that you did all that you could, hey??
Those last messages...........to me..........those were a testament of the caring and love she felt for you and a real special bond between you despite the severely hard times you both went through separately and together.
And you know that alcoholism is a disease or an illness, depending on how you see it, and sometimes it takes away every single element of control someone/anyone can have over it.........sometimes there will be nothing anyone can do/or say to "make things better"/to temper the effects and the ultimate effects.......sometimes it just can't be fought........
What you did achieve though was something so very powerful.........you kept that deep down bond, you kept that love alight despite the alcoholism........and despite the difficulties and that is priceless, in the event of nothing else you could have done/anyone could have done that had to matter so very much
And maybe, if not now.........then in time..........you can feel that she is now at peace or released from the pain, while still remembering you both did have something real special.......beyond everything else........something that did truly matter deep down.
And you know that is still there for you, it's always going to be there for you to pull on........you can still feel the warmth of that even if she isn't there physically

And grieving can be real tough.........allow for your feelings, whatever they are, but also remember that you did what you could, and allow for any memories of good or touching moments between you and the knowledge that you had, and still have her in your heart

Alison
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Unread 06-23-2017, 08:03 PM   #13
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Default Re: I found my mother dead and can't cope

ajpj1213 welcome to Psych Central. I am sorry you are having strains and stresses in your relationship. It does not sound like a good situation for you. I hope you find ways to keep yourself positive as much as possible. I do exercises, Tai Chi, yoga and mindfulness to help me. This is a series of mindfulness short videos that really help me understand mindfulness better. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2n7FOBFMvXg
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Unread 07-14-2017, 10:12 AM   #14
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Default Re: I found my mother dead and can't cope

Yes, it's the way she died, I'm so very sorry, but, you did all that you possibly could, everything, you just need lots of support at this time, and time will heal, not completely of course, you were there to do whatever and that's what you did, try to stop beating yourself up, when people are on a self destructive path "hell bent" so to speak, what can one possibly do, therapy is really what you need, it's called the 'talking cure', and whilst it doesn't really 'fix' anything, it helps us to work through issues, get perspective and direction .........take care dear broken hearted one......you will recover
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Unread 07-15-2017, 10:46 AM   #15
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Default Re: I found my mother dead and can't cope

you said that he won't give you the money to get your care re registered, I'm sorry but that sounds very much like he's controlling you, and he's avoiding you, by working longer hours during the week and on the weekends also, you said that's not how it used to be....I know that you're grieving over the loss of your mum, but, right now I'd be very concerned about the way he's treating you, sorry, don't want to alarm you, but that's sounds to me like he's beginning to control you, this is not good, I would suggest you 'confront' him about it, I know that it's not my business, but I recognise the beginnings, and I speak from experience, please let us know how things go, I am concerned for you.....
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Unread 07-16-2017, 09:52 PM   #16
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Default Re: I found my mother dead and can't cope

Hi AJ ,

I am sorry for your loss , my heart and hopes go out to you.

I too have lost , and it hurts like hell , and the hard part is my mind will not accept that fact my mom dies 12 years ago and my dad 2 years.

I spend most of my days missing them both , but I can not grieve in a traditional sense.

I have never cried my *** off , it is all bottled up inside and thats not good , I know that.

When my mom dies my dad feel apart , so I didn't`t have time to grieve , I had to take care of dad.

When my dad died , it was it , just a huge void in my live.

My body is slowly dying , I know this , however there is little I can do.

When I found my dad passed out the Sun. before Thanksgiving 2014 , I check his vitals and he came to while I was and asked me to help him up. After checking for broken bones or other damage that would prevent me from moving him , I picked him up and asked what happened , he told me he slipped.

I wanted to take him to the hospital , but he said no , he was the boss , so I did not.

The following day we saw our orthopedic doctor and dad was structurally ok , however he suggested my dad see his cardiologist as soon as he could , we went the next day.

My dad had suffered a cardiac event that caused him to pass out , he did not slip.
A bunch of test were done and his heart was dying , and the doc told me age ( 101 ) and weakening of heart muscle had caused congestive heart failure , he died 6 months latter.

I can write about it , tell people about it , but no one seems to care.

Not one soul has stopped by in kindness since my dad past.

It`s like I don`t matter , or at least seems that way.

I am fortunate to know that I do matter , we all matter.

So here I am , writing this post looking towards another day in the fog.

I will tell you all , live , live the best way you can for as long as you can.

Comments and PM`s are all welcome.

Later guy`s.

Me 
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Unread 07-17-2017, 02:54 AM   #17
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Default Re: I found my mother dead and can't cope

i'm so very sorry for your loss i also found my mom dead. she was on the floor by her bathroom. her hands were blue. i should have tried to give her cpr but i was in shock and froze. i just called 911. like your aunt, my sister blamed me for what happened. even the waiters at her favorite restaurant said why didn't i watch over her better? i felt so guilty for many, many years. all the should'ves and could'ves. i saw many therapists trying to feel better but it took a long time. you are in shock right now but please talk to someone to get your pain and guilt out else you will be stuck in your despair. even if you can't find someone to listen, just talk out loud to yourself, or post here or journal. try whatever way you can to get your feelings out. it's been nine years since my mom passed. i have worked hard at sorting out all that happened. i made mistakes, not intentionally of course, but my mother's decisions also played a factor in why she died the way she did. i have let go some of the guilt but i continue to work on coping with what is left. time has dulled the pain.

your mom's drinking, the root cause of why she even began drinking, your father's death, the ensuing grief, depression, plus the meds and probably other factors beyond your control, are what finally killed your mother. you tried very hard to keep your mother safe. you were a good daughter and there was so much love between you two. hold on to that love. don't feel bad that you didn't know your mother was reaching out for you at the end and that you feel you weren't there for her. i know if you had known, you would have rushed to her side. but that's just it, you didn't know. and i'm sorry no one was there for you afterwards especially your husband. sometimes it is hard for another person who has not gone through the same thing to understand our grief. and being the child of two alcoholics might complicate things even more. have you tried or considered grief counseling? some places do a sliding scale on their fees.

how are you feeling these days? we are here to listen so please post as much as you need. my thoughts are with you.
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Unread 07-18-2017, 12:59 PM   #18
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Default Re: I found my mother dead and can't cope

Quote:
Originally Posted by Keyplayer View Post
Hi AJ ,

When my dad died , it was it , just a huge void in my live.

My body is slowly dying , I know this , however there is little I can do.

When I found my dad passed out the Sun. before Thanksgiving 2014 , I check his vitals and he came to while I was and asked me to help him up. After checking for broken bones or other damage that would prevent me from moving him , I picked him up and asked what happened , he told me he slipped.

I wanted to take him to the hospital , but he said no , he was the boss , so I did not.

The following day we saw our orthopedic doctor and dad was structurally ok , however he suggested my dad see his cardiologist as soon as he could , we went the next day.

My dad had suffered a cardiac event that caused him to pass out , he did not slip.
A bunch of test were done and his heart was dying , and the doc told me age ( 101 ) and weakening of heart muscle had caused congestive heart failure , he died 6 months latter.

Comments and PM`s are all welcome.

Later guy`s.

Me 
I am sorry for your loss. My dad was in a nursing home for 2 years. In the end he was in great pain for a week or two. But I have all them memories that came before that. Hope you find a way to work through the many layers of grief that bubble up.
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I took the one less traveled by,
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Unread 07-18-2017, 10:24 PM   #19
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Default Re: I found my mother dead and can't cope

Thanks "Candc" , I really hope that someday I can enjoy life , but I don`t know how anymore. It seems the longer the time is the more pain there is. I guess I have a wound that even time will not heal.

Thanks for thinking of me. and thanks to all who read and cared or just even a passing thought , right now I need all the help I can get.

Take care guy`s , I`ll be here tomorrow , have a good evening.

Later

KP 
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