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Old 10-20-2018, 12:51 PM   #1
derangedcandy
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Default Missed Miscarriage

I am not sure where to start... my mental health was doing pretty darn good. I found out I was pregnant in the beginning of May. It was exciting, and scary. My husband and I already have a 2 year old boy so it was exciting to add another baby to the family, and that my son would have a sibling, but I was afraid of how my relationship with my son would change.

Anyway, I was taking an antidepressant, and was slowly trying to come off of it, but it was really difficult. I had an easy time coming off of it with my first pregnancy. Eventually my obgyn said it's ok and I can stay on the lowest dose. My husband and I got to see an ultrasound picture of our little baby, I was able to hear the heartbeat a few weeks after that ultrasound. It was fleeting, but I heard it. There were times in June where I just didn't feel pregnant, and I was extremely moody. I started getting some pelvic pain, but it didn't seem too alarming. I called the doctors office and got in the next day or so. I can't quite remember, but it was July 2nd.

The midwife who was on call, got her handheld doppler out to listen for a heartbeat. I gestured to the area where my regular ob found it before, but nothing. She said she would go get the ultrasound machine, and she came back with another doctor. I started feeling nervous. They did an abdominal scan first, then internal... things felt off.... and I asked if I should be worried. The midwife and doctor told me they were so sorry.... there was no heartbeat. I screamed and cried, and screamed and cried. I had to get an official ultrasound done, but I couldn't get in until the next morning. I prayed for a miracle, but that next morning I did start bleeding... and it was confirmed that my baby died around 8 weeks, but I was around 12. My body never recognized it. My husband and I decided to let my body miscarrying naturally.

It was on July 6th when I finally miscarried my sweet little baby. I ended up going to the ER because I bled so much. Fortunately it wasn't bad enough that I needed blood, but there was an ob on call and we went over my options. Since I already passed my baby, I decided to do a D&C to make the bleeding stop faster. It was bittersweet, and gave me some closer to get the procedure done.

It has been over 3 months since my miscarriage and I've been doing better, but I have days where it hurts so bad. I feel guilt, I feel like a failure. My body failed me, I failed my baby, I failed my husband, and I failed my son. All of my hopes and dreams for having another child were just crushed. I remember women telling me before that they had a miscarriage and I felt bad for them, but I never knew what hell they really had to endure. The physical and emotional pain is like no other. All of my mental health symptoms came back tenfold. It was like I was back at day 1 in 2009 when my mental health first crashed.

I just feel so alone, my "friends" don't really understand and they hardly reach out to me when I'm having bad days. I want to be strong for my son, but some days I wish I didn't exist.

If you actually read this... thank you for reading.
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Old 10-20-2018, 02:46 PM   #2
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I'm so sorry. There are some local groups in some places for parents of babies that passed on before birth, or maybe someone here has had that experience here and can post to you. I'm sure it must be very hard. But know that it's not your fault, since I've heard that such little ones had physical (organ) problems and couldn't have survived.
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Old 10-21-2018, 01:41 PM   #3
*Laurie*
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Hello derangedcandy, I sure hope you see this reply to your OP. I do understand. Everything you have written.

I was joyfully pg with my third child - this was 13 years ago. There was something "off" from the first. You put it so well - I didn't "feel" pregnant...not like I had for my first and second pregnancies. It was as though my body would yes, be pg...then no, not really. And my state of mind was very odd, as though subconsciously I knew something was wrong. For example, I had bizarre nightmares, symbolic and frightening. I had heard the sweet baby's heart beat, though, so kept telling myself that everything was okay.

The night before my second trimester began I began to miscarry. June 9th. I will never forget that cursed date. By the morning the bleeding was really scary. I went to the hospital. And so on.

My entire world feel apart. Every single thing I looked at, my mind told me, "That baby will never see a flower"..."That baby will never walk in the produce isle of a grocery store and see a shiny apple"....on and on. I was crazy from my thoughts, my feelings. Everything. I had been young for my age, and vital. After the m/c I felt that I had aged 20 years. Nothing meant anything. My usual ability to create was entirely absent. All there was was flatness. Flat line. A horrible, ghastly nothingness.

Finding a support group (online) of women who had gone through pregnancy loss and stillbirth saved my life. I mean, seriously saved my life. Those women really understood. No one, I don't care how compassionate, understands pg loss unless she has been though it. It's a strange thing...it seems that women think, "Oh, big deal...it wasn't even a 'real' baby", or something like that. But women who have been through it - we know exactly how it feels, and why it feels like it does.

Please, please find an online group or an IRL group specifically for women who have experienced pg loss. I will never, in my entire life, be the person I was before that June 9th. My baby had been due on Christmas Day, 3 days before my own birthday. No Christmas will come again that feels like a day of joy. I will never again have a normal Christmas. But, I am still friends with the core group of women I met 13 years ago. We are going through our lives, together. And always, always, we support each other. That caring support makes all the difference.

I wish you the very, very best.
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Old 10-21-2018, 05:02 PM   #4
Buffy01
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Quote:
Originally Posted by derangedcandy View Post
I am not sure where to start... my mental health was doing pretty darn good. I found out I was pregnant in the beginning of May. It was exciting, and scary. My husband and I already have a 2 year old boy so it was exciting to add another baby to the family, and that my son would have a sibling, but I was afraid of how my relationship with my son would change.

Anyway, I was taking an antidepressant, and was slowly trying to come off of it, but it was really difficult. I had an easy time coming off of it with my first pregnancy. Eventually my obgyn said it's ok and I can stay on the lowest dose. My husband and I got to see an ultrasound picture of our little baby, I was able to hear the heartbeat a few weeks after that ultrasound. It was fleeting, but I heard it. There were times in June where I just didn't feel pregnant, and I was extremely moody. I started getting some pelvic pain, but it didn't seem too alarming. I called the doctors office and got in the next day or so. I can't quite remember, but it was July 2nd.

The midwife who was on call, got her handheld doppler out to listen for a heartbeat. I gestured to the area where my regular ob found it before, but nothing. She said she would go get the ultrasound machine, and she came back with another doctor. I started feeling nervous. They did an abdominal scan first, then internal... things felt off.... and I asked if I should be worried. The midwife and doctor told me they were so sorry.... there was no heartbeat. I screamed and cried, and screamed and cried. I had to get an official ultrasound done, but I couldn't get in until the next morning. I prayed for a miracle, but that next morning I did start bleeding... and it was confirmed that my baby died around 8 weeks, but I was around 12. My body never recognized it. My husband and I decided to let my body miscarrying naturally.

It was on July 6th when I finally miscarried my sweet little baby. I ended up going to the ER because I bled so much. Fortunately it wasn't bad enough that I needed blood, but there was an ob on call and we went over my options. Since I already passed my baby, I decided to do a D&C to make the bleeding stop faster. It was bittersweet, and gave me some closer to get the procedure done.

It has been over 3 months since my miscarriage and I've been doing better, but I have days where it hurts so bad. I feel guilt, I feel like a failure. My body failed me, I failed my baby, I failed my husband, and I failed my son. All of my hopes and dreams for having another child were just crushed. I remember women telling me before that they had a miscarriage and I felt bad for them, but I never knew what hell they really had to endure. The physical and emotional pain is like no other. All of my mental health symptoms came back tenfold. It was like I was back at day 1 in 2009 when my mental health first crashed.

I just feel so alone, my "friends" don't really understand and they hardly reach out to me when I'm having bad days. I want to be strong for my son, but some days I wish I didn't exist.

If you actually read this... thank you for reading.
I'm so sorry that this has happened to you! You have a lot of support from us. My mom had plenty of miscarriage. She nearly lost me because of her difficult pregnancies. Have you thought about seeing a grief counselor or someone who specializes in trauma of miscarriage? Do you have someone else who you could stay with? I hope that I was able to help you.
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Old 12-21-2018, 10:47 PM   #5
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Quote:
Originally Posted by *Laurie* View Post
Hello derangedcandy, I sure hope you see this reply to your OP. I do understand. Everything you have written.

I was joyfully pg with my third child - this was 13 years ago. There was something "off" from the first. You put it so well - I didn't "feel" pregnant...not like I had for my first and second pregnancies. It was as though my body would yes, be pg...then no, not really. And my state of mind was very odd, as though subconsciously I knew something was wrong. For example, I had bizarre nightmares, symbolic and frightening. I had heard the sweet baby's heart beat, though, so kept telling myself that everything was okay.

The night before my second trimester began I began to miscarry. June 9th. I will never forget that cursed date. By the morning the bleeding was really scary. I went to the hospital. And so on.

My entire world feel apart. Every single thing I looked at, my mind told me, "That baby will never see a flower"..."That baby will never walk in the produce isle of a grocery store and see a shiny apple"....on and on. I was crazy from my thoughts, my feelings. Everything. I had been young for my age, and vital. After the m/c I felt that I had aged 20 years. Nothing meant anything. My usual ability to create was entirely absent. All there was was flatness. Flat line. A horrible, ghastly nothingness.

Finding a support group (online) of women who had gone through pregnancy loss and stillbirth saved my life. I mean, seriously saved my life. Those women really understood. No one, I don't care how compassionate, understands pg loss unless she has been though it. It's a strange thing...it seems that women think, "Oh, big deal...it wasn't even a 'real' baby", or something like that. But women who have been through it - we know exactly how it feels, and why it feels like it does.

Please, please find an online group or an IRL group specifically for women who have experienced pg loss. I will never, in my entire life, be the person I was before that June 9th. My baby had been due on Christmas Day, 3 days before my own birthday. No Christmas will come again that feels like a day of joy. I will never again have a normal Christmas. But, I am still friends with the core group of women I met 13 years ago. We are going through our lives, together. And always, always, we support each other. That caring support makes all the difference.

I wish you the very, very best.
I agree with everything that you said.
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