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Old 08-06-2018, 05:49 PM   #1
Unicornicopia
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Throughout my life I've had to deal/cope with a lot of loss. Since it feels like everyone closest to me seems to always be the soonest to pass, I've kind of began detaching myself from everyone I love, in hopes of maybe preventing the inevitable from hitting me so hard and so deeply. But I know it's not possible... Nothing really prepares you for death, whether it be someone else dying or yourself.

My first close loss was of my [maternal] great-grandfather. I was only seven at the time and he was my first personal experience with death. I knew what death meant but at that time I didn't think it would hit so close to me and as hard as it did. At his wake, I never really spoke much. I just sat there silently crying. When I got the chance to see him in his peaceful state I placed a picture of myself (next to my brother's picture) on his chest. It was hard seeing his chest no longer slowly rise and fall with every breath. It was also hard feeling his hand...how cold and stiff it was. I wished for him to wake and for him to be okay again but I knew that he was finally at peace in Heaven.
I never really got to grieve the loss but I didn't really allow myself to grieve either. I didn't want to face the reality that one of my closest family members had passed. I was heartbroken that I would never see his sweet face nor hear his soothing voice again. As time passed on, the loss kept weighing heavily on my mind. I couldn't stop thinking and remembering. Eventually, I built an emotional wall around the loss as well as around the future losses I came to witness.

The most recent loss was that of my beloved cat, Yoda. [the post about Yoda can be found here] Since we were so close and had such an unbreakable bond, her passing really pushed me over the edge. It was then that I started really pulling away from life and no longer enjoying anything that used to bring me joy. (Trigger Warning) It eventually got so hard living without her that I attempted suicide. I just wanted to be with her again and living on without her hurt more than any pain I could ever imagine.

Until now...
I live with my dad, stepmom, and her mom. My stepmom's mom had to come live with us since her Alzheimer's/dementia has made her unable to live alone. She is currently bed/wheelchair-ridden since she has become so weak and losing what strength she has left. My dad...well...he's also losing what strength he has left.
Recently, he has been diagnosed with Stage 4 colon cancer, Stage 4 kidney failure, as well as his other on-going heath issues such as lymphoma, and his mental health issues such as being bipolar, schizophrenic, and having severe paranoia.
Not only am I losing my father, I am also losing myself... I emotionally as well as mentally cannot handle my situation. I'm losing everything...from loved ones, pets, and friends, to even losing my will to live...again. All of this deep heartbreak is literally killing me. I can't seem to handle anything anymore. The slightest things that go wrong seem to push me closer to my end. I don't want to ever get to that point again but I feel like it's the only way out of this dark pit I'm in. I'm in a catch-22 and no matter what happens, I'm going to lose something. I honestly can say that I'm completely exhausted and don't know what to do to make anything easier. No therapist nor medication can help me out of this situation. Loss seems to follow me no matter where I go or what I do. I have nothing left to grieve...except for what's left of my sanity.

I need help, but I feel nothing will ever be able to fix anything in my life...
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Old 08-07-2018, 08:02 AM   #2
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Hi, Unicornicopia. I'm so sorry for all these losses and for your dad's situation. Loss is hard. As I get older, I am experiencing more and more losses. It's so tough, as you indicate. I wish I could make you feel better.

The way I get by (in the last few years, I have lost a dog, my mother, my best friend, and many other people I have known and cared about) is by 1) knowing I will see them again one day. (I believe in eternal life), and 2) knowing they would want me to keep on going and to enjoy the life that I have. In fact, my mother had a message read at her funeral that said that--and I know that's how loved ones who have passed on feel about us.

So, please think about that. Although I still miss my dog and the other people who have passed on, I am going on with my life--getting a new dog and new friends. I hope you will know that life can still be good and enjoyable. Look for the good and be good to yourself. Okay, sweet one?
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Old 08-09-2018, 04:13 AM   #3
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Something one of my late relatives had said back when they were dying was "I'll return to haunt you, if you don't carry on with your life." To me, that was more testamemt to having witnessed themselves what it's like to watch someone they were close to, not do just that. It's a matter of honoring their memory.

It really, really stinks to live through being beside someone with a terminal illness. It's an emotional rollercoaster ride.

Just know that you aren't alone.
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Old Yesterday, 10:10 PM   #4
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I am sorry for all your losses. It sounds like grieving has made life a real challenge.
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