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Old 01-23-2018, 05:33 PM   #1
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Default Death- expected vs. unexpected

What do you see as the major differences in expected death and unexpected death?
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Old 01-24-2018, 10:38 AM   #2
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Default Re: Death- expected vs. unexpected

My dad was unexpected (hit by a car) and my mom was expected (cancer). The biggest difference between the two for me was not being able to say goodbye to my dad. That caused me a lot of pain.
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Old 01-24-2018, 03:00 PM   #3
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My dad was unexpected (hit by a car) and my mom was expected (cancer). The biggest difference between the two for me was not being able to say goodbye to my dad. That caused me a lot of pain.
I agree with you on this. I think that's the biggest thing is not be able to say good bye, I love you, or discuss past issues. So many unanswered questions. Where as expected you know what's happening, time you have, have time to make peace with it.
Sorry for your loss of both.
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Old 01-24-2018, 05:01 PM   #4
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Question is a bit open ended. i.e. Who's dying?

My 2nd wife knew she was dying. Knew for several years. No visible outward signs. She was living a normal life for the most part. Her death was not only expected by me, it was expected by her!

I can't imagine having to carry that knowledge at the age of 22. Expected does not always provide a chance for closure. I was lucky to have been with her, holding her hand, when she died. She did not die alone. I could just as easily been out of town, or she could have been at work. It happened quickly when it did. (40+ years ago.)

From her perspective:

"We're all dying and while I'm pretty sure I'm going before you, I have no idea when that will be."

In the end, even her "expected" death was "un-expected." There was no difference for me. She was still gone.
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Old 01-24-2018, 06:37 PM   #5
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Default Re: Death- expected vs. unexpected

For me,even though some deaths were "expected" and I thought I was prepared for them,I wasn't at all.I think both are equally hard to deal with.
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Old 01-24-2018, 08:41 PM   #6
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Default Re: Death- expected vs. unexpected

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Originally Posted by FinalSynapse View Post
Question is a bit open ended. i.e. Who's dying?

My 2nd wife knew she was dying. Knew for several years. No visible outward signs. She was living a normal life for the most part. Her death was not only expected by me, it was expected by her!

I can't imagine having to carry that knowledge at the age of 22. Expected does not always provide a chance for closure. I was lucky to have been with her, holding her hand, when she died. She did not die alone. I could just as easily been out of town, or she could have been at work. It happened quickly when it did. (40+ years ago.)

From her perspective:

"We're all dying and while I'm pretty sure I'm going before you, I have no idea when that will be."

In the end, even her "expected" death was "un-expected." There was no difference for me. She was still gone.
So sorry for your loss. I'm glad you were with her when she died. Yes, it's hard either way, expected or not expected.
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Old 01-31-2018, 03:40 PM   #7
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My dad was unexpected because we had an estranged relationship. We got a call from his wife saying he was dying of terminal colon cancer and wouldn't last but a few days. Had to say goodbye over the phone while he was in a coma. He lived two days after that phone call. My mom suffered for years with copd and that was difficult watching her not being able to breathe. Thinking any day might be her last to have her bounce back and act somewhat healthy then to watch her deteriorate to where she couldn't even sit up anymore and her weight drop down to around 80 pounds. Sometimes you just want it to be over with. They are both bad. I have thought about this many times and wonder which way is better. I decided there is no good way. With my mom, though i got to say goodbye to her and tell her how I felt and talk to her about death. With my dad I felt more anger more not being told sooner. They say people hear you when they are in a coma but you don't know for sure. The good thing is I didn't have to watch him suffer.
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Old 01-31-2018, 04:05 PM   #8
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At age 20 I was dying from Autoimmune Hepatitis. I needed a liver transplant. The news came as a surprise but I came to peace with it. Said goodbye to all my friends. Told them that I loved them. I eventually fell into a coma hours before a liver was donated. My 15 year old donor died upon impact in a car accident. No time for him to say goodbye. That breaks my heart. I think that unexpected deaths are the worse.
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Old 02-14-2018, 10:21 PM   #9
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Default Re: Death- expected vs. unexpected

My Dad died unexpectedly and I think thatís worse. We had a good relationship and I got to see him the week before and I always told him I loved him, so I am very thankful for that. He forgot his cane one morning when he went to the bathroom. When he came out, he fell and hit his head so hard that he only lived until that night.
My Mom now walks with a walker, but is constantly forgetting to use it, so now Iím scared that Iíll find her on the floor when I go over there one day!
Iím dealing with the issue of anxiety about anything being taken away in the blink of an eye. Iím depressed, donít want to go out and am very anxious about loss. Besides going to work, I just want to sleep all day and stay home with my dogs. I canít seem to break out of this funk.
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Old 02-17-2018, 01:49 PM   #10
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Originally Posted by RubyRae View Post
For me,even though some deaths were "expected" and I thought I was prepared for them,I wasn't at all.I think both are equally hard to deal with.
I agree----one can't be prepared either way.

I lost a good friend suddenly in July of 2016. Even the doctors couldn't tell what caused it. He just collapsed suddenly and never woke up again when the ambulance got him, taking him to the hospital. The worse thing for me is I didn't find out till about 2 months later, online.....Terrible way to find out something like that. Just so impersonal or something. And I also feel bad about getting annoyed with him the last time I saw him. How could I know it was literally the last time? He didn't look well, as I recall. But death was the last thing on my mind...and maybe his too.

For an "expected" death, my mom got lung cancer last year. I knew she was dying, so it was just a matter of time. But I didn't know how long, nobody did. So I'm not sure this was easier--just different.

With my friend, it was such a shock that he's just gone just like that.

With my mom, going through each day thinking "Any day now, any minute now" was brutal. I didn't know how to deal with that. I don't think I ever did.

I didn't get closure in either death, like saying goodbye. I didn't have a good relationship with my mom, and I barely saw her the last few months. Never bonded with her, never got to talk about things before it's too late.

I know that any of us can "go at any time" but most of us don't think about it. I know I don't, as getting through the day is hard enough without thinking, "I could get hit by a car tomorrow" (example).

Those experiences have left me a different person, like I now hold my tongue on petty annoyances. That person could be gone tomorrow.

Not sure, but I might have lost another friend. She wasn't close but it's not like her not to call me back. She is (was?) an old lady who lives alone and is in poor health. Last time I tried to call again after a couple of months passes, her number was disconnected. That left me with a bad case of deja vu. (My friend's number was disconnected awhile before I found out the reason why......)

I was going to have the police due a "welfare check" but I don't know her address. Just an old phone number.


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