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Unread 09-07-2017, 04:24 PM   #1
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Default Should my 20 yr old stepdaughter move in with us?

My SD who will be 20 next month hasn't said that she wants to live with us, but I can see H trying with all his might to make it happen. She currently lives with her mom and her mom's BF 3 hours away. She goes through these bouts of drama where nothing goes right for her. SO many boy problems, she takes a job and then quits because "everyone she works with is out to get her". We don't know if she's going to school or not because she'll go for a semester and then stop because she has anxiety or something. She can be so moody and when she's here she just sits on the couch and plays on her phone. I'm not sure what her current relationship is with her mother, but it seems to be okay. She smokes a lot of pot, freely in front of both her mom and dad. She drinks and does that freely as well. I mean she came up with a friend for a concert last month and stayed with us and H tells them as he's going to bed "You guys can have at the rest of the whiskey"! And they did. Her parents aren't parents, they are friends. H disses on her mom for just being a friend but he doesn't see he's the same way. He never asks her about school or if she's even attending, about any boys in her life, about her goals. Their conversations seems to consist of movies, video games and sushi. H thinks he can swoop in and save the day when she gets like this and things aren't going right with her mom or friends or school or work so that's when she wants to come up and live here.

He is going down to see her next weekend and I can just see him coming home saying "I told her she should come up and live with us for a while". He doesn't see any need in talking to me about it, because even if I get upset and say I don't want her here he'll say she's his daughter and she can come whenever she wants. We've never had her stay with us for more than 2 weeks and no, she can't just up and come and live with us at 20. She needs to get out away from her parents and live with friends or something. Moving herself 3 hours away to a podunk town to simply do the same thing she's doing down there does nothing for her. Sure, H will say that it will be so different for her here and he'll make things happen, but he won't. He'll come home and drink and smoke pot with her and play video games. She's working at Starbucks down there and is apparently starting school in 2 weeks, although H doesn't seem to know for sure if she's going or not. She's got her friends there.

Do you think she would really WANT to come up here if he posed the question? Do you think she SHOULD? Do you think she just needs to get away from everyone?
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Unread 09-07-2017, 04:37 PM   #2
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Default Re: Should my 20 yr old stepdaughter move in with us?

It's hard to say. It depends on how much he can convince her of the "wonderful" life he can give her. It's a shame he doesn't take your opinion into account. At 18 she is an adult. Too bad she doesn't get her act together and that your H enables her. (But he so much wants her to like him.)

Should she move in? Goodness, no!
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Unread 09-07-2017, 04:54 PM   #3
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Default Re: Should my 20 yr old stepdaughter move in with us?

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Originally Posted by Travelinglady View Post
It's hard to say. It depends on how much he can convince her of the "wonderful" life he can give her. It's a shame he doesn't take your opinion into account. At 18 she is an adult. Too bad she doesn't get her act together and that your H enables her. (But he so much wants her to like him.)

Should she move in? Goodness, no!
She ALMOST moved in about 5 years ago when things weren't going good with her mom and her mom's then bf. She came up one weekend and reiterated how much she hated it there and then after I went to bed H talked to her about coming up and living with us. Yup, didn't even consult me because he assumed by me silently nodding all the times he said that she should live with us that I had agreed to it. But the deal was that she had to tell her mom and H wasn't going to say anything. Way to parent together huh?! Sorry but a 14 year old girl can't make the decision to just move out of the custodial parent's house! Oh H had her so excited about living with us. How awesome it would be and took her by to see the school and how much fun we'd all have. Well of course she'd want to move here if things weren't awesome there! Of course, when she told her mom she got pissed and told H they were up and moving to Minnesota so he couldn't see her. They never did move out of state but they moved to the most remote corner. Then of course within a year she loved her mom and hated her dad and they didn't speak for a year.

I'm sorry she is having issues, but she is causing the drama as far as I can tell. She can't keep going back and forth between parents every time something goes bad.
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Unread 09-07-2017, 04:56 PM   #4
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Default Re: Should my 20 yr old stepdaughter move in with us?

My opinion is you have every right to a say in who lives in your home. Especially an adult child who obviously has problems. Worring that your husband will just drink and smoke pot with her is a big red flag then you will have 2 adults living in your home who are acting like children.
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Unread 09-07-2017, 05:02 PM   #5
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Default Re: Should my 20 yr old stepdaughter move in with us?

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My opinion is you have every right to a say in who lives in your home. Especially an adult child who obviously has problems. Worring that your husband will just drink and smoke pot with her is a big red flag then you will have 2 adults living in your home who are acting like children.
Yes I SHOULD have a right to say who lives there seeing as how I pay 95% of the bills and pretty much all the mortgage because he can't afford to help most months. Yeah that's another thing. Lets bring in another person who can't help with bills! But if I tell him I don't want to have her here I sound selfish and mean and I'm a horrible person in his eyes. He thinks he has every right to have her live with us for as long as she wants. As I said, he's not a parent to her. Lets her drink and smoke.

Is she all of a sudden going to blossom with all this confidence and have a go-getter attitude because she's away from her mom and living with her "fun" dad? And it doesn't take much for him to get under her skin. If he touches her too much she slaps and yells at him and one time they argued at the top of their lungs for so long that the neighbors called the cops to check on us. I don't need that drama in my house.
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Unread 09-07-2017, 05:46 PM   #6
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Default Re: Should my 20 yr old stepdaughter move in with us?

I may be devil's advocate here but he needs to put his child before anyone else. This doesn't mean I agree with the enabling part-but bottom line is it's his daughter and he should be able to help her in any way he sees fit. Not all 20 year olds are totally mature-I wasn't l, and that's partly because my mother abandoned me at age 15 for a man who didn't want me because I was "troubled". All that did was mess me up more. Frankly I would tell anyone I marry that my children come with me-drama or not, at whatever age-you've become the other parent. And if they aren't okay with that , they can forget about me.

Also, the way you talk about her-especially as a 14 year old child it sounds like you have an intense dislike for her . Which frankly may have contributed to her issues. I know it did mine.
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Unread 09-07-2017, 06:07 PM   #7
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Default Re: Should my 20 yr old stepdaughter move in with us?

Doesn't matter which parent she lives with she's not going to suddenly mature when they are both enabling illegal activity on her part. It sounds like you don't get much input despite paying the bills.
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Unread 09-07-2017, 06:08 PM   #8
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Default Re: Should my 20 yr old stepdaughter move in with us?

Quote:
. My SD who will be 20 next month hasn't said that she wants to live with us, but I can see H trying with all his might to make it happen
So you're not even sure she would want to live with you yet and just assuming your H will try to make it happen,right?

This gives you time to figure out how you will handle it if it does.You can use this time to prepare a list of rules,what boundaries you need to set,whether you will have her contribute income towards bills,whether she will contribute towards household chores,decide how long she can stay,etc.Doing that ahead of time(just in case) will make you feel more in control of the situation.

If you just absolutely don't want her there at all you really need to speak up before it happens or it will turn into a disaster for everyone involved.

Are you close to her?Do you two get along?
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Unread 09-07-2017, 06:31 PM   #9
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Default Re: Should my 20 yr old stepdaughter move in with us?

Woah, let me wrap my head around this. you pay 95% of the bills, your husband sits around smoking pot and YOU are selfish and mean???? This is going to sound really harsh, but it doesn't sound like you are being selfish and mean...it sounds like you acting like a doormat.

I'm really concerned about you more than your SD. What is selfish and mean about expecting a grown man to contribute and pull his own weight in your home? No not at all! And now he wants to bring his adult daughter who has maturity issues also into your home....I don't see this turning out well at all.
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Unread 09-07-2017, 08:22 PM   #10
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Default Re: Should my 20 yr old stepdaughter move in with us?

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Originally Posted by Shazerac View Post
Woah, let me wrap my head around this. you pay 95% of the bills, your husband sits around smoking pot and YOU are selfish and mean???? This is going to sound really harsh, but it doesn't sound like you are being selfish and mean...it sounds like you acting like a doormat.

I'm really concerned about you more than your SD. What is selfish and mean about expecting a grown man to contribute and pull his own weight in your home? No not at all! And now he wants to bring his adult daughter who has maturity issues also into your home....I don't see this turning out well at all.
I would agree that it's unfair of him to sit around and not do anything...it also depends on other factors with the SD because when I was living with family I was unable to work but I did contribute with income from my SSI...either way she also chooses to stay with this person. You can't change other people and like I said I do understand him putting his daughter first but the rest I more or less agree isn't okay.
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